Bad joke of the day 2020

Very good

 

Love it

 

Smudges the Cat rules.

 

LOL

 

Yup, that's me! ☺️

 

So there's an 80 year old man who one day gets a call from the IRS.

IRS: hello sir we've noticed large amounts of money moving into and out of your account and I need you to come down for a meeting tomorrow and explain some things or we may have to perform an audit.

The old man agrees and after a good long minute he decides he's going to get himself a lawyer.

The next day the old man and his lawyer show up to their meeting and sit down with the IRS agent, the meeting goes as follows.

IRS: so we've noticed large sums of money moving into and out of your bank account and we may have to perform an audit if you don't tell us where all this money is coming from.

Old man: well you see I have a bit of a gambling problem.

IRS agent: you mean to tell me, that all this money is from gambling? What do you even gamble on??

Old man: horses, fights, actually I'll gamble on anything really.

IRS agent: you'll gamble on anything? Give me an example.

The old man thinks for a minute and comes up with a brilliant idea. He says "I bet you $5000 that I won't be able to bite my left eye!". The IRS agent thought long and hard before deciding there's no possible way he could bite his eye and agrees. With that the old man takes his glass eye out and bites it.
"Aww shit" the IRS agents jaw dropped in disbelief and before he was able to pick it back up the old man spoke up, "now I don't want you to be upset with me mr IRS agent so I'll make you a deal, I'll give you a chance to earn back your money and even more if you take my next bet. I bet you $10000 that I can bite my right eye too!"

The IRS agent thought even longer and even harder about this but he knew the old man wasn't blind because he was walking perfectly unaided. So he excepted, and with that the old man took out his false teeth and bit his right eye. "oh fuck ya, you old con bastard"
"Now now" the old man exclaimed, "I'll give you one more chance to earn all of your money back plus even more! I bet you $20000 that if your trashcan is on the other end of the room, and I'm standing on your desk, that I can't piss in that trashcan without spilling a single drop." The IRS agent replied faster than light knowing that what the man had offered was impossible, "you're on!" He shouted excitedly before moving his trashcan to the other side of the room.

With that, the old man whipped out his dick and sprayed piss all over the room and all over the IRS agents desk. The agent cheered for joy and laughed and hoorayed as he had just won $20000. He then looked over to the lawyer who had his head in his hands. "what's wrong with you?" He asked.

"He bet me $100000 that he could get you to enjoy him pissing on your desk"

 

This is a joke told by comedian Stan Boardman on the Des O Conner show in the 80's, this was a live show and this got a lot of complaints at the time. You can see the look on Des O Conner's face when the joke is being told.

 

A man and his pet goat walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: "Last call." So, the man says, "One more for me... and one more for my goat." The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the goat falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: "Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there." To which the man replies: "That's not a lion, that's a goat."

 

My Ex still misses me. Unfortunately her aim is starting to improve.

 

I was in the grocery store yesterday when a guy threw a jar of mayonnaise at me.

I said 'What the hell man".

 

Pretty Krafty reaction!

 

This is a sketch staring Steve Punt and Hugh Dennis, they started off on the Jasper Carrott show doing sketches. This is their fast food sketch, I used to work with a guy who once worked at Mcdonalds and he told me this video was used in their training to show the image of fast food places.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=M3wr3XTs42E

 

HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift....
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
________________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
_______________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home.. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
________________________________
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.

 

Alpert worthy.