Bad joke of the day 2020

600 replies, and this thread isn't stickied yet? Get with it, Sonya!

 

Probably better that it is not stickied. Many never read them.. LOL.

And, since it gets so many NEW jokes, it stays in the first page anyways.

Thanks to so many that have provided so many laughs.

And - a smacks up the side of my head for disrupting the flow here with side comments.

 

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

 

I asked my new girlfriend if she smoked after sex. She replied "I'm not sure - I've never checked."

 

Following the moon landing in 1969, the scientific agency of {fill in a country} met to decide how to one-up the Americans.

"Gentlemen! (There were few ladies in space programs back then.) We will make history! We will be the first group to land a man on the sun!"

"But Chief, uh, the sun is on fire! If you get within a million miles or so, the spacecraft and pilot will be vaporized! Have you thought of that?"

"Yes, and the solution is simple. We time the landing so he touches down at night."

 

An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees.

The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone. He yelled, "Mayday, mayday!! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack.

I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory.

"I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!"

The employee in the tower immediately put him on speaker phone.

"Calm down, we acknowledge you and we'll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!"

He then began his series of questions:

Tower: "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet??"

Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the Altimeter dial in front of me."

Tower: "Okay, that's good, remain calm. How do you know you're traveling at 180 mph?"

Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the Airspeed dial in front of me."

Tower: "Okay, this is great so far, but it's heavily overcast, so how do you know you're flying upside down?"

Aircraft: "The shit in my pants is running out of my shirt collar."

 

Speaking of the sun at night.

 

Didn't work.

 

Still didn't. I need a drink.

 

They were funny, believe me. Hard to copy/paste on iPhone.

 

A couple was strolling through the park when it began to sprinkle.

He: Hey, open your umbrella.
She: I can't.
He: Why not?
She: It's full of holes.
He: Well, why did you bring it?
She: I didn't think it was gonna rain!

 

Wife tells her husband to go to the doctor and get some pills to help him get erect.
When he got home, he tossed her a bottle of diet pills.

 

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second, from Chicago, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles, chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few pieces left over."

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington DC, shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine. Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable."

 

A northern couple were driving through rural Florida when they stopped at a service station to fill up. Also filling up was a local farmer who had a huge mound of something in the back of his truck.

"What's that in your truck?"
"Manure."
"Whadaya use that for?"
"We spread it on the fruit."
"Hmmm, strange, back home we use whipped cream!"

 

What kind of music are balloons most afraid of?

Pop

 

The problem with most political jokes is they get elected. (not trying to start a political discussion here )

 

Why did the cows come back to the marijuana patch?

Because...the ....the....pot called the cattle back.