I am ashamed to admit it, but I have more shows programmed onto my DVR than friends on speed dial. I like TV. I donâ€™t care much for people. I have no patience, a very short fuse, and absolutely cannot stand when people do things in a manner I deem wrong. This stellar part of my personality leads me to have a grand total of 4 friends. Sure, I have acquaintances, people I can say hi to at Starbucks, and people I choose not to run over with my car when I see them jogging, but at the end of the day, I can safely say there are 4 people in this world, besides my family whom I would pull out of a burning building Out of my 4 friends, not one lives in my state. I actually have to import friends. How sad. What follows is a report of the 4th annual bleach and botox tour. Neither one of us is blonde, or has had botox, but all the women in my neighborhood are and do. Making fun of the plastic wives is the highest of comedy in my book. The cast: Me â€“ Overweight, underdressed desperate housewife who has not had a job in 7 years. Ginger- My partner in crime from Philadelphia. Has been known to consort with known criminals. G arrived in Tampa at noon on Wednesday. She could not meet me in Vegas, as she refused to fly alone. My attempt to convince her that flying alone to TAMPA was proof that she indeed DOES fly alone went unaccepted. We left Tampa on time via SW on Thurs AM and had an uneventful flight. Arrived at the terminal, went down the escalator, and we had our first celebrity sighting. Well, G had her first sighting. I had no earthly idea who we were looking at. G was shaking and looking for a pen and paper as I stood by. Turns out, it was the members of a group named Danity Kane. I still have no idea who they are, but G was dutifully impressed and got autographs from the girls. Off to the taxi line with no wait whatsoever and into a cab. I handed the driver a $20 and told him Harrahâ€™s- make it work. He got us there in $12.40- nice tip. I did not want to say â€œno tunnelâ€ like an asshole, so I figured $20 was more than enough. Got to the check in line at 12:30 and heard the one person in front of us told there were no rooms ready and to check back at 3. So when the clerk called us over, I was ready for defeat. I told her I would take the janitorâ€™s closet if it was ready now, as I had been up since 5:30 eastern time and was beat. Magically, there was a room ready. I was on a full comp, in a deluxe room. I have no idea if what I got was deluxe, but we were in a renovated room in the Carnaval tower, with a â€œviewâ€ of the strip. The view was actually of the front of The Mirage, overlooking the Venetian parking garage and Casino Royaleâ€™s roof. Whatever. I didnâ€™t come to look out the window. We unpacked and got cleaned up. I sent Mikey a text letting him know where we were and told him to meet us at 5:00. We headed downstairs with the intent of eating a light lunch. On the way, I spotted my favorite machine. I have no idea what itâ€™s called; I just call it burger bonus. If you hit the bonus, you get to hit the button until you land on collect. I put a 20 in, and got the bonus on the first spin. Cashed out $60.00. Lunch was non descript at the Harrahâ€™s cafÃ©. We then headed into the pit, where I played 6:5 $10 blackjack for a profit of $70. So far so good. Back up in the room we showered and got ready. Mikey was punctual and we enjoyed a few SoCo and cokes in the room for a half hour or so. (Thanks for the bottle, Mikey; it was gone by Saturday morning.) We headed over to the Venetian and had a delicious dinner at The Grand Luxe. I had THE most awesome Chicken Picatta I have ever eaten and the Asian nachos were killer. No alcohol flowed, and three dinners, one appetizer and three cokes was $80 tip included. Good deal in my book. We grabbed a cab to downtown, and got long hauled. Arrived at the Golden Nugget and I was impressed. I think I would actually stay there. The shark tank and pool were awesome looking and the whole place had a good vibe. We played some $5 craps, but never got on a good roll. Mikey had a good roll; he held the dice for about 15 minutes. The dealer and I were in full on flirt mode, and I was extremely impressed by him being able to name the obscure movies I was quoting. It was a fun time, and we made a few bucks. From there, we headed outside and got our first glimpse of downtown. I think we went to Binionâ€™s. We sat at an empty pai gow table, and Mikey taught me how to play. He was frustrated as hell with me and kept yelling â€œno!â€ when I went to set my hand. I finally got it, (I think) and I made $5.75 before we headed outside for the lightshow. I was less than impressed by the show; it was a commercial for LG. Some people watching followed and we walked to the Golden Gate, The Plaza and Glitter Gulch. Call me spoiled, or elitist, but downtown is not my scene. While walking through the Plaza, I smelled the WORST body odor I have ever smelled. I sniffed Mikey, G and my own pits. None of us was the offender. The hospital, Ben Gay and no deodorant smell was enough for me, but when the people were six deep to watch the sphere of death motorcycle show, I knew I was out of my element. We grabbed a cab back to Harrahâ€™s where G and I were fighting to stay awake. G fell asleep watching TV while Mikey and I nursed the bottle of SoCo and played sudden death Go Fish. He kicked my ass all over the place and won almost every game. But, we laughed a whole lot and I really enjoyed it. Mikey left around 12 and I fell into bed. Up at 8am on Friday, after a great nights sleep. The room was quiet and the bed cozy. My only complaint was the temperature. We could never get it below 74, even setting the thermostat to 65. Mikey pointed out that the A/C was on motion sensors also. So, walking back into a hot room was no fun. We had breakfast at McDonaldâ€™s next to Harrahâ€™s and headed to the Wynn. Signed up for the red card, and no, they no longer have the 50 point promo. It is now 150 points. They are offering a free spin on a screen. Prizes range from $10 free play to $10,000 free play. G won 2 buffets, which was fine with us, as thatâ€™s what we came for. I won $20 free slot play. I played Monopoly on the free play and won enough to keep me spinning until I hit the 150 points and cashed out with $4. I went over to the desk, and they put the free buffets on my card. So now we had 4 buffets for which they paid us $4 to eat. We walked back to the Harrahâ€™s, after walking through the Venetian, Sephora, and stopping at Casino Royale for 3 $1 Margaritaâ€™s each. Back into Harrahâ€™s, where we played craps for an hour with 3 guys from Minnesota. I had never met anyone from Minnesota, and felt quite star struck by this. I didnâ€™t even know people LIVED in Minnesota. Won a grand total of $5 on the table, but got 3 Coronaâ€™s and lots of laughs. The guys asked us what we were doing that night, and we said all we planned was the buffet at Wynn. We got their cell numbers and told them weâ€™d call, but plans changed and we never called. When we checked in, we got a ticket for the â€œfreeâ€ Mac King show. Free meaning $11.76 each. The $11.76 included a â€œdrink.â€ Drink meaning pre-made, all mix margaritas. I found the show to be boring and sophomoric, G fell asleep, and the crowd was all blue hairs and families. But, it kept me out of the casino for two hours and it was relaxing. After the show, we headed back to the Wynn for our first round of free food. I am not a buffet fan, contrary to the size of my ample ass. I was less than impressed with the food. The crab was cold, and although it was a nice touch for them to pre-crack it for me, dipping cold crab in cold butter is not my thing. Would it KILL them to put a little steam under the tray?? They had a selection of Asian food though and all I ate was sushi and a slice of prime rib. As we were finishing up our dinner, the woman next to us asked me if I knew they had a crepe station. Being polite, I acted happy to hear such great news. Truth be told, I donâ€™t like crepes, but my New Yearâ€™s resolution was to be nicer to strangers, so I let her regale me with the tale of crepe greatness. I was nervous when I returned to the table with my desert selection, which did not include a crepe. Shockingly, it took her all of her 8 seconds before questioning me. â€œYou didnâ€™t get any crepes?!?â€ I explained that I was so full and would rather have the crepes when I could fully enjoy them. All while I was choking on my words, wanting to tell this know it all busy body that I HATED crepes, hated people that LIKED crepes, and did not feel I needed to justify my desert to some stranger whose husband looked like Ed Grimly. But, I kept quiet and continued eating my Bananaâ€™s Foster. Dinner went through me immediately and after tipping the waitress, I ran to the restroom out in the hall. I was in there for quite a while, quite certain that I had been poisoned and wishing I had just had a crepe. G came to check on me, and I told her to go have a seat in the hall, I would be a while. When I emerged from the bathroom, G said â€œWe have something to do tonight!â€ I suspiciously asked her what- figuring she had fallen prey to a timeshare whore, and we would be spending our Friday night listening to the Tahitian Village people preach the virtues of vacation ownership. Turns out that while G was waiting for me, she met Nancy. Nancy is a high roller with a bad knee at the Venetian. Nancy was given two comp tickets for Blue Man Group that evening and her knee was in no shape to make the walk over there to see it. She gave G the tickets and told her to have a great time. Good thing I had the food poisoning and not G. If I had met Nancy, I would have turned to stone the minute she started talking about her trick knee. (Did I mention I am not a people person?) G, being the nice girl she is, listened to Nancyâ€™s tale of woe regarding her bionic knee and was rewarded for it. We looked at the tickets. The show was at 8. It was 6:30. We were wearing shorts and T-shirts. We ran back to Harrahâ€™s, changed into more appropriate attire and were back the V at 7:53. The show wasâ€¦..weird. There was no talking and I thought parts of it were slow. Thanks to Nancy though, it was free. And the seats were damn good. So good we had to wear ponchos they provided. We could see them sweating. The toilet paper thing weirded me out quite a bit, but it was cool. Would I see it again? No. Would I have been slightly disturbed if I had PAID $132.00 to see it? Hell yes. After the show, we played a few random slots at The V. I hit WOF for $100 on my third spin and was happy at that point. Back to Harrahâ€™s where I accidentally found the Goldfish slot. I am in LOVE with this machine. The fish are so cute and fun. At $1.05 a spin, I was in heaven. I played for 2 hours straight on my $20 and cashed in for $68.75. We were in bed by 1. Up Saturday morning at 9, we were BACK at Wynn for our second free buffet. They were serving brunch and it was better this time. I had a bagel with cream cheese and lox and some of the best fruit I have eaten. Worth the $30 it would have been? No. Worth the $5 tip to the waitress? Yes. We walked back to Harrahâ€™s through the Palazzo and took the monorail to MGM. I decided to put $20 into a slot in each hotel and spin three times, win or lose. This turned out to be profitable as I cashed out at every one with more than my $20. The biggest win was at Paris, where I got the bonus on my first spin of Top Dollar. I took the first offer of $150 and ran. I wonder if I had kept going, would I have been offered the elusive $1000? From MGM we walked to M&M world where I picked up some gifts for my kids and ate all the runners from the trough below the dispensers. We continued down the strip and went into PHO. I hadnâ€™t been there since they switched from Aladdin. Again, I was not impressed. (Are you seeing a pattern here??) We signed up for their A list card and were given $40 in match play. $10 AFTER you play $20 on the slots, $5 in the sports book and $25 table. We only did the slots, which I used on Burger bonus, and cashed out $13.75. We were also given a free entry into the slot tourney, which we decided to try. It started at 6 and it was 5:53- so why not? In line, we talked to 3 guys from UF. We had some good ribbing back and forth, as I am a Hurricane. I teased that I was going to win, so they better watch out. I DID win! There were only 8 of us playing, and I got lucky. One of the UF guys was adorable and if we both had not been wearing wedding bands, I am sure it could have turned into a â€˜what happens in vegasâ€™ night. SIGH. From PHO, we walked through Paris, stopping at the Top Dollar and on to Ballyâ€™s where I hit for $50 on my first spin of a slot I call â€œbear.â€ We walked out the back door and over to Ellis Island for the $6.99 steak special. What a dump. It is small, smelly and smoky, but G loves it, so I went. Dinner was fine, and I could not wait to get out of that place. I felt dirty and violated when we left. We walked back to Ballyâ€™s where we got the monorail back to Harrahâ€™s. Stopped in at IP to see the dealertainers, and had a great laugh over Little Richard. Black face makeup like in the Three Stooges, but white hands. And Dolly looked quite rough. $100 on WOF and G hates me, as I could not lose. Until we got back to Harrahâ€™s, where I sat down at ANOTHER 6:5 $10 and played for 2 hours straight, losing $20 total. It was a grind, up and down. Met some interesting people though and had some great laughs. A redneckean sat down and the dealer asked where he was from. â€œTexasâ€ was his answer. The dealer asked him where in Texas, and he said â€œNear Wal-martâ€ I almost died laughing, near WAL-MART?? We all live near Wal-mart I said, and then he corrected me, he had said â€˜ near Beaumontâ€ But, I guess to my half drunk ears at third base, I heard near Wal-mart. The table stopped as the dealer had to compose himself. Trust me, if you had been there, it would have been hilarious. Typing it now, it doesnâ€™t sound near as funny. As we headed back to the room, I sat down at the Goldfish again and got plenty of kisses from the fish. Turned $20 into $150. One bonus hit for $78.50. I did not know it was possible to WIN $78.00 on a penny machine. But, I am here to tell you, it is. I was absolutely spent at this point, so we crashed. Got another great night sleep and was at the airport by 9am for my 10:15 flight. Security was easy and quick. Flew home with no issues, except for the 6ft11 guy who sat in the middle seat. He was sandwiched between me and a very generously weighted woman. I am not sure, but I think Mr. Tall and I may be engaged now. All in all, it was a great trip. I finally got to meet the Hurricane, after three years of stalking him, spent time with my best friend, ate, drank, slept and came home with money in my wallet. Donâ€™t write this down, but I think I am Vegasâ€™d out. Tentative plans are for the 5th annual B&B tour to be on a cruise. But, like an alcoholic coming off a bender who swears heâ€™ll never drink again, I may just be on the downswing of the high. Something tells me Iâ€™ll be trolling southwest for fares within 6 months. Thanks for reading.