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Sentir Mon Doigt: or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Midget Strippers

Discussion in 'Vegas Trip Reports' started by Crawfordesquire, Sep 5, 2018.

  1. Crawfordesquire

    Crawfordesquire Low-Roller

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    My Trip Report

    September 6, 2018-September 10th, 2018
    Four Seasons Hotel

    For anyone who dislikes a long-winded trip report, leave now. for anyone easily offended, now is your time to leave. Otherwise sit back, pour yourself an adult beverage, put your feet up on someone, and enjoy.
    The title of this trip report is like any HuffPo headline, pure click-bait. I doubt this trip will have any strippers, midgets, midget-strippers, or Wonka Factory slaves/employees. Speaking of slaves, no ball gags either, breathable or otherwise.
    Also, no buffets...unless there is a nearby vomitorium. So perhaps an exception can be made for the Bacchanal buffet at Caesars, as it’d make sense if they had a vomitorium there, right?
    This will updated on an intermittent basis with a longer write-up/summation to finish. If you want to consider that semi-live, cool. I am not going to do updates every 20 minutes just saying I did a shot or won $12 on a slot machine (I hope you consider that a good thing). Pictures will be ample. sante
    [​IMG]
     
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  2. 93 Octane

    93 Octane Chief bottle washer

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    Oooooh ya!!
     
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  3. grosx2

    grosx2 Have fun storming the castle!

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    I like your style.
     
    GGWU 2018 and Fleetwood Mac @ T-Mobile Arena
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  4. Crawfordesquire

    Crawfordesquire Low-Roller

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    I apologize for the generic, run-of-the-mill name for this trip report, but it is my first. Give me some credit. This trip report is beyond overdue. I’ve gone to Vegas a decent amount and enjoyed thousands of others’ reports, and have been inspired by many, but mainly my three old school favorites: @MikeE, @airball1996, and @BeeeJay, and my three new school favorites: @Vegasworm, @UKFanatic, and @MikeOPensacola. @notfromconcentrate is an honorable mention, of course.
    Lots of love to all the other great contributors on this board who assist in reducing my at-work productivity, but namely @deansrobinson. With that out of the way, I would like to give short preface, as all good stories begin with another story.
    I first visited Vegas in circa 1996. My parents brought me to see Lance Burton at the Hacienda, and the theater’s cocktail waitresses’ bosom had me thinking twice about standing up. I was hooked on Vegas (ironically enough that now I’ll be staying site of the former Hacienda and now it’s my wife’s chest that’ll be stimulating me, but I digress).
    Fast forward to my 20’s and I am venturing to Vegas annually and becoming a full-fledged degenerate. Like it does for most, life happened and my interest in Vegas temporarily waned. My last visit was in August 2016 with my old man, and it was a great time. That visit rekindled my love affair with Vegas.
    Speaking of love, my wife Mrs. Crawfordesquire, a vegas virgin, (hereinafter ‘B’) will be joining me on this trip. As B is not a sick-fuck degenerate like myself, I will be sending her to the spa a few times. However, I plan on getting her to toss the dice at the craps table a little bit.

    I have a tendency to over-plan and over-analyze things. I am just a planner and do not enjoy surprises or having to choose things last minute. In my planning, several questions arose:

    * Where do you take a Vegas Virgin without overwhelming them?
    * How do I get my wife to look the other way on my gambling?
    * What would make for some special meals that will create some indelible memories, beyond the obvious Sbarro and Panda Express?
    * Is OJ the father of the fat Kardashian?
    * Could I balance indulging my inner degenerate without my wife demanding a divorce?
    * Are three D’s in a question an overuse of alliteration?

    I was confident I would figure out some answers. With some help of this great board and also my favorite vegas podcasts (‘Tipping the Odds’ and also Five Hundy) while ignoring my duties at work, I planned the trip and am confident in my ability to perform. Insert your own ‘perform’ joke.


    PS-if you are wondering, my avatar is not a depiction of me, but a famous Jacksonville jaguars fan who I find entertaining. The video from which it is from can be viewed here:
     
    Last edited: Sep 5, 2018
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  5. UKFanatic

    UKFanatic The Arbiter of Taste Caviar Kid

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    Thanks for the kind shout out! I actually prefer the reports I wrote a few years ago to the ones I write now. But I'm just trying to get in the swing of things again the past couple months with writing them.

    As for your thoughts, here's my unsolicited two cents:
    *Bellagio fountains (and hotel). Surely your wife has seen them on TV. They're big, fun, and the quintessential vegas. I feel like everyone should see them on their first trip
    *As for the gambling, test the marriage! Let her watch and enjoy! About five years ago, I took my partner to vegas (Bellagio cypress suite; followed my own advice about the fountains, lol) and I let her sit next to me in the high limit as I played baccarat. That was back in the days when I played consistently bigger. The tables were not kind that weekend and I dropped $30k. My partner didn't bat an eye, never seemed concerned, cheered when i won, and booed when I lost. Later, I asked her if it bothered her watching me piss away that much money. She said no and added that she assumed I knew what i was doing. I knew then she was a keeper, lol
    *For meals, if you really want to make a memory, I say go high end. if its not too late, see if you can get a reservation at Rubochon. If you can't get in there, try for some place at Bellagio or Wynn. I assume your Four Seasons stay is within Mandalay. I like several of the restaurants there, but none of them feel memorable or special to me.

    Have fun. post some 4S pics. I haven't seen the rooms there in a long time
     
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  6. ardee

    ardee VIP Whale

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    Lots of luck. I'l be following along. Nothing wrong with posting the occasional shot or winning $12 on a slot or whatnot.
    It's all good when you're having fun.
     
    Holiday Trip! Making Merry in Sin City.
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  7. Crawfordesquire

    Crawfordesquire Low-Roller

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    I concur about your older reports, and thank you for the feedback/input. I will certainly post a decent amount of 4S pics, not enough gets shown of the joint, which makes sense of course.
     
  8. Crawfordesquire

    Crawfordesquire Low-Roller

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    @ardee I totally agree, different strokes. just outlining what I'll be doing. and i hope you enjoy. I intend to get a sinatra smash in your honor :drunk:
     
  9. nancyf

    nancyf Low-Roller

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    haha - I am anticipating a fun report!
    I do want to answer this one question - * How do I get my wife to look the other way on my gambling? - simple answer - sit her down at a slot machine and start feeding the machine - once she gets a few hits (hopefully a big bonus) she won't care what you are doing as long as she has gambling money for her machine...
     
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  10. Crawfordesquire

    Crawfordesquire Low-Roller

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    So to break it down-

    Who: B and I.

    Where: Four Seasons at Mandalay Bay. My goal is to sell B on vegas so I knew the best bet was the Four Seasons. no smoke or crowds. Solid service, with all that is Vegas only a five minute lyft ride away. Also, I got a good rate, so this was a no-brainer choice. $200 out the door for rate+taxes+resort fees. Fine by me on a four night weekend with awesome weather and week one NFL.

    When: September 6th-10th, Thursday morning to Monday night.

    How: our United flight Thursday is quite early, departing from the beautiful city of Fayetteville, NC at 6 am. This obviously means it will be a 330am wakeup, and who doesn’t love those just as much as asking their Primary Care for some antibiotics?!
    The flight is through DC with a short layover before landing in sin city. Flying back will be a red-eye on Delta.
    In-Vegas transportation will be via lyft and our legs, unless I can happen to steal some blue hair’s rascal scooter. (I told my wife if I do then we’ll extend the vacation with a trip to the Grand Canyon)

    Why: we need a vacation! it’s actually our anniversary (labor day was, to be specific). Two years ago we met and got married 10 weeks later. crazy right?! I basically consider it a self imposed arranged marriage. 2 years in, couldn’t be happier

    plans for the trip

    dining probabilities: shake shack, veranda, china poblano, momofuku, tableau, esther’s kitchen, stripsteak, SW steakhouse, and joe’s stone crab.

    drinking possibilities: mandarin bar, hyde, chandelier bar, parasol up/down, skyfall lounge, fireside lounge, petrossian bar, downtown cocktail room, and atomic liquors.

    what do I drink? no rum (freshman year of college memories) no mezcal- I do not like it. beyond that I am down.
    Electively I took a two month moratorium on imbibing before this trip, so my tolerance might be down (or up? not sure) so I will be a cheap(er) drunk than I usually am.
    Also, I am having some wine priority-overnighted to the Four Seasons. Partially out of necessity as the shop I bought from now doesn’t ship to North Carolina (lame). So the shipment includes two wines I ordered plus I added in a bottle of Krug and an old slutty Alban. Hopefully the McCarran baggage handlers do not treat my package as if they’re auditioning to be a Berlin sex worker.
    If you’re still reading this, I hope you appreciate how PC I am and wrote ‘sex worker’ and not ‘hooker.’

    gambling: my focus is sports
    [​IMG]



    as well as football, blackjack, and a little craps and roulette mixed in.
    Hopefully I’ll get some BJ action in at TI, some craps at Barbary Bill’s Cromwell, and possibly making a trek down to the M and/or the Palms.
    Also, the big HL slot pull going on at Cosmopolitan! Looking forward to that to meet some board members and share some laughter.

    other activities

    We are hoping to check out the Bellagio Fine Art Gallery- they have a exhibit featuring Japanese water (?) which sounds intriguing. I am not sure if a bidet is involved, but I am intent on using my amazon prime points for purchasing one for at home.
    We’ll be seeing Opium saturday night. I have seen Absinthe previously and loved it. Reviews on Opium have been mixed, but it’s my type of humor (can ya tell?) so I am looking forward to it.
    B is going to the spa Friday and Monday for various expensive exercises in getting rubbed down while naked by people other than me.
    I will be hitting up the spa to work out a little bit so I can hate myself a little less from all the calories.
    Hopefully there will be some naked wrestling with the wife, and I’m bringing our amazon firestick as I’m far too frugal for in-room pay per view porn. I don’t sleep that much so five hours or so and I am good to go. This isn’t my first rodeo. I don’t come to vegas to tuck in at 11 or sleep till noon. Lastly, I am a cheesecake fan/addict and my favorite is Carnegie Deli’s at the Mirage so hopefully I can get a slice (or three).
    sante.
     
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  11. ardee

    ardee VIP Whale

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    Thanks, @Crawfordesquire. I hope you'll enjoy. :beer: Sinatra Smash is a great drink.
     
    Holiday Trip! Making Merry in Sin City.
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  12. Miller12pack

    Miller12pack High-Roller

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    I have a feeling this is going to be a good one. I've got my reading glasses ready.
     
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  13. rooster42000

    rooster42000 Patriots #1

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    Good Luck, have fun.:feedme:
     
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  14. Havanotha

    Havanotha Tourist

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    Loving this TR I actually laughed out loud a couple times. You have my full attention. Cant wait for your next post.
     
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  15. breanna61

    breanna61 Super Moderator

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    All along I thought your avatar was you. A few times I thought "well she's a feisty gal" :D

    Looking forward to your report and some feistiness lol.
     
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  16. amk121

    amk121 VIP Whale

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    Have fun! It sounds like a fun trip planned
     
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  17. Crawfordesquire

    Crawfordesquire Low-Roller

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    330 doesn’t come so fast when you can’t sleep all night! Vegas and all it’s bounty of offerings. Took part in oral [hygiene], packed the carry-on suitcase, and got in the car by 4.
    Living in a rural area, we are used to nature and all that comes with it. Still, this morning was the first time I ever hit a deer. It was honestly a minor collision and while I can’t speak for the deers injuries (I think they were minor) my car had no damage. Save for one thing.. the deer’s fecal matter. So hopefully rather than injuring the poor fella, I just scared the shit out of it.
    about to board in fayetteville, here’s the big reveal of me and B...
    [​IMG]
     
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  18. Ezzy711

    Ezzy711 High-Roller

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    Oh man, that car should smell pretty ripe by the time you return.

    Best of luck to you both. Hope she becomes one of us so you can have many more trips together.
     
  19. Crawfordesquire

    Crawfordesquire Low-Roller

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    hey thank you! I feel the same way.
    Also, there wasn’t that much excrement that it should be a major issue.
    On a more positive note, I witnessed some awesome socks while on the escalator back in Fayetteville
    [​IMG]

    Yes, Hennessy socks.

    Currently we’re at Dulles, I am getting the boss coffee and I am about to chowdown my standard breakfast (4 hardboiled eggs and 3 pieces of bacon) with the addition of a valium to help me sleep or just not want to stab anyone on the plane.
     
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  20. Guardian

    Guardian Low-Roller

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    "just not want to stab anyone on the plane"

    I hear you.:wink2:
     
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