Beef
Low-Roller
My brother and I arrived an hour and a half late due to a security breach at McCarran that happened earlier. Got luggage and into cab, I am looking down at some coupons and brochures. When I look up we are in the tunnel! Dammit, why are we going this way?? The driver immediately starts in with the BS. (thick accent) “Tropicana Ave is too crowded with rodeo traffic – I saving a lot of time going this way!†You’re a crock, I say, and of course I am right as the traffic is just as bad getting off I-15 at the exit. Now this guy is panicking and trying to prove he is legit, so he starts driving like an idiot to save time. He’s cutting people off, driving on the shoulder, we are getting honked at and cursed out. Meantime he’s saying “I do thee best I can, I do thee best I can…†somewhat under his breath like he is trying to convince himself. Another crook, and not a great start to the trip. Fare ends up being $15, I throw the money on the passenger seat with no tip as he is still trying to impress us by scrambling to get our bags. FU jerk, it’s too late for that.
Into the Excalibur, and holy mackerel this place must be the NFR headquarters. Never have I seen so many dudes in the same outfit at one time. Cowboy hat, button down long sleeve, Wranglers with big belt buckle, and ass-kickin’ boots. Many have the Copenhagen bulge in the lip. Country music on the sound system and in the Lounges. I’ve never been to Vegas during the rodeo, nor am I a fan, but don’t get me wrong. I don’t dislike Cowboys or Country or the rodeo, it just isn’t my thing and I have never seen Vegas like this. A different scene to be sure. Check-in about 15 min. We try the $20 trick which would have worked like a charm for a Parlor suite except for two factors—all the suites are still under the control of the casino hosts here, so even if they wanted to the front desk staff can’t touch them. Also, all the suites were already given away to rodeo folk anyway. What they did do is give us a room that is used to adjoin to the suites…28th floor Tower 2, 2 queen beds, view of the 4 corners, nice bathroom with steam room shower.
Down to the casino. We got a screamin’ deal to stay at the Ex, and we do like the joint, it’s just so much more chaotic there. We always see lots of kids, wedding parties, and foreign tourists. This time it’s all of those things plus hundreds of cowboys and their brethren. Crowded to say the least. After a recon and a few hands here and there we head to our favorite spot, Luxor. We usually stay here, like the casino and lounges, have pretty good luck. A few drinks and video BJ at Nefertiti’s, a light dinner at Hamada’s, then some real BJ. After 2 hours of playing $5 chips I’m down $20. Not up, but I’ll take it. Over to the Nile bar for some VP and booze. The bro joins for awhile, then back to the tables while I have just hit a nice 4 of a kind. Another couple rounds, and here comes a stunning blond from around the corner. She plops down on my right side in her provocative outfit and immediately starts chatting me up. Hmmm… After some small talk I of course ask what she does, she gives me the demure smile and says “I’m an entertainer…†Gee I never would have guessed. She had just gotten run out of the Mirage for soliciting an employee. We shared a laugh about that one. She was (obviously) very friendly and fun to talk to about business, Vegas, and VP. This girl was a video poker fanatic and was talking all kinds of strategy, the best machines, best casinos, etc. Never once did she proposition me. That means she either had some respect for my wedding ring, or she thought I was a complete pig. Whatever, nice talking to you Brandy, now my bro is back and we must adjourn to Déjà vu.
Ah yes, here we are and the cowboy theme continues as the girls are gyrating to some country tune as we walk in. We spend around 2 hours chatting, watching. It actually was a nice break from the booze for me as I tend to always overdo it on the first night in town. The girls are nice, not too aggressive with the hustle. I thought the place would be packed to the gills but it was easy to get around in there. OK that’s enough female anatomy study for this evening, let’s gamble some more.
We were going to get creative with our destinations, but we just ended up going back to the Luxor. Stick with what works, am I right? For giggles I walk back around to the Nile bar to see if Brandy is having any luck and of course there she is in the same seat. She is talking with a guy who looks around 60 and he is obviously eating from the palm of her hand. He is halfway out of his seat looking like he is ready to give her his ATM card or give her the moon. She notices us and flashes a huge sh*t eating grin. We roar about that one, the guy looks toward us where she is looking, and she quickly looks back at him, touches his cheek and turns his head back to hers. More roars of laughter from us as we walk to the tables. Another hour, I am down $60. Off to Nefertiti’s again for some more VP and booze. The bro stays at the table, comes to meet me another hour and a half later. By this time I am seeing two of the cowboy lounge act. 3am hit the sack.
Sunday we are up around 9. We get ready to head to the Bellagio sportsbook for some NFL games. Our taxi is stopped in the left turn lane of the intersection in front of Bellagio and here comes this homeless bum. I say bum because he is slowly walking across the street in the crosswalk while looking at each and every car with his middle finger up. We are laughing, but the car to our right has an older couple in it who look confused as to why this guy would be flipping them off. To our left is a black Lincoln Town Car with two guys who look securityish. They immediately get on their cellphones when they see this guy. Let me tell you the bum took extra time and effort with the cars on either side of us to make sure they saw him and his finger. Hopefully the guys to our left called a crew to give the bum a bath in the Bellagio lake.
The sportsbook is standing room only. Dammit we wanted a seat. We try Caesar’s, same result. By this time it is around 11am, we need food. We try the closest option, the Palatium buffet at Caesar’s. I have to say this place was a ripoff. 14 bucks for their “Champagne Sunday Brunch.†Our server gave us drinks immediately, then disappeared. Never cleared plates, refilled us, or did anything until we were about ready to leave. Food selection wasn’t anything special, I would think you would have some better selection for 14 bucks. The cantaloupe stunk. The honeydew melon sucked. The prime rib you could have wrung out like a sponge it was so soggy and blood soaked. I didn’t eat it. This place was a big mistake.
After that fiasco we sit at the slots in the back of the CP Sportsbook for a while, then back to Bellagio to see if any seats have opened up. Yeah right. There are more people here than before, and the same dudes are still in the seats. Don’t these slugs ever move? Screw the sportsbooks, let’s play some VP. Bellagio has such a great selection of VP machines you will think you are in VP heaven. Silicone-laden hotties began to bring us bloody marys with tasty big olives. We settled in, I started to have some good luck. Some full houses, 3 of a kinds, etc. I’m up like 100 coins, then the bro goes to the head. While he is gone I hit 2 quads, sixes and queens. Nice. After a few hours it is nearing 1pm, we cash out and head to Aladdin. We find a nice spot at the Lamp Bar for VP and the 49ers-Packers game. VP is very tight, the Niners lose. Stupid Lamp Bar.
After hitting NYNY for some food, we take a rest in the room. Then it’s time to try the luck at the home hotel. I find a nice VP machine and proceed to hit everything in the book (except the Royal of course). Over a couple hours I milk over $200 out of it, which is a lot for a low roller like myself. The bro stays somewhat even at the tables and rewards himself with ice cream from the Little John’s snack bar. Now it is time for some lounging. Cab up to Venetian first, up to the tiki bar at Venus. A great place to start your night, and if you like tiki bars, this place is a must see. After some time we head to the VooDoo lounge. Neither of us had been there, we had a great time. The view is amazing of course. Down to the Rio casino to play BJ. Now I have begun to stagger around. I notice people looking and chuckling so I give myself a time-out. To the nearest lounge (don’t remember where it is) for some west and wewaxation, and coffee. Of course being in my state I try to drink the coffee too fast and burn the crap out of my mouth. Uhh can I have some ice please? Anyway I chilled out there while watching these clowns try and work on their bottle tossing skills. They broke more than a few.
The bro got smoked at the Rio tables. After my timeout we decided to reward ourselves (for what I have no idea) with a trip to the Spearmint Rhino. The hustle was in FULL EFFECT in that place. Holy crow we couldn’t go 45 seconds without some hussy plopping themselves in either of our laps. We gave in after a while thinking we would be left at peace for awhile, but noooooo. A constant stream of skin and teeth and hair and chatter kept coming at us like a freakin freight train. I didn’t have time to sip my drink much less sit back and enjoy. The guys in front of us weren’t getting one-fourth of the attention we were, I asked what’s their secret. They say “you’ve got to be a dick to them.†Well I don’t want to do that so I begin my strategy of inane chatter with the girls. I talk so much they don’t have a chance to ask if I want to go in the back. Everything from the Theory of Relativity to weather systems to Hunter S. Thompson books I was blabbering about. Eventually they would move on but there were too many of them. We admit defeat and get the hell out with some of our money at least. 3am hit the sack.
Monday we gambled at the MB, Luxor, and Ex. Lost a little at every stop. Even my precious VP machine from Sunday betrayed me by sucking back $40 faster than I could order a beer. We checked out Star Wars on the IMAX at Luxor, it was pretty cool but you can’t see everything at once so action scenes are a little tough on you. Plus the volume in there does not go well with a mild hangover. Flight out of McCarran delayed of course. It always seems like it is tough to get out of town. Seeya in a month, Vegas.
Thanks for reading.
Into the Excalibur, and holy mackerel this place must be the NFR headquarters. Never have I seen so many dudes in the same outfit at one time. Cowboy hat, button down long sleeve, Wranglers with big belt buckle, and ass-kickin’ boots. Many have the Copenhagen bulge in the lip. Country music on the sound system and in the Lounges. I’ve never been to Vegas during the rodeo, nor am I a fan, but don’t get me wrong. I don’t dislike Cowboys or Country or the rodeo, it just isn’t my thing and I have never seen Vegas like this. A different scene to be sure. Check-in about 15 min. We try the $20 trick which would have worked like a charm for a Parlor suite except for two factors—all the suites are still under the control of the casino hosts here, so even if they wanted to the front desk staff can’t touch them. Also, all the suites were already given away to rodeo folk anyway. What they did do is give us a room that is used to adjoin to the suites…28th floor Tower 2, 2 queen beds, view of the 4 corners, nice bathroom with steam room shower.
Down to the casino. We got a screamin’ deal to stay at the Ex, and we do like the joint, it’s just so much more chaotic there. We always see lots of kids, wedding parties, and foreign tourists. This time it’s all of those things plus hundreds of cowboys and their brethren. Crowded to say the least. After a recon and a few hands here and there we head to our favorite spot, Luxor. We usually stay here, like the casino and lounges, have pretty good luck. A few drinks and video BJ at Nefertiti’s, a light dinner at Hamada’s, then some real BJ. After 2 hours of playing $5 chips I’m down $20. Not up, but I’ll take it. Over to the Nile bar for some VP and booze. The bro joins for awhile, then back to the tables while I have just hit a nice 4 of a kind. Another couple rounds, and here comes a stunning blond from around the corner. She plops down on my right side in her provocative outfit and immediately starts chatting me up. Hmmm… After some small talk I of course ask what she does, she gives me the demure smile and says “I’m an entertainer…†Gee I never would have guessed. She had just gotten run out of the Mirage for soliciting an employee. We shared a laugh about that one. She was (obviously) very friendly and fun to talk to about business, Vegas, and VP. This girl was a video poker fanatic and was talking all kinds of strategy, the best machines, best casinos, etc. Never once did she proposition me. That means she either had some respect for my wedding ring, or she thought I was a complete pig. Whatever, nice talking to you Brandy, now my bro is back and we must adjourn to Déjà vu.
Ah yes, here we are and the cowboy theme continues as the girls are gyrating to some country tune as we walk in. We spend around 2 hours chatting, watching. It actually was a nice break from the booze for me as I tend to always overdo it on the first night in town. The girls are nice, not too aggressive with the hustle. I thought the place would be packed to the gills but it was easy to get around in there. OK that’s enough female anatomy study for this evening, let’s gamble some more.
We were going to get creative with our destinations, but we just ended up going back to the Luxor. Stick with what works, am I right? For giggles I walk back around to the Nile bar to see if Brandy is having any luck and of course there she is in the same seat. She is talking with a guy who looks around 60 and he is obviously eating from the palm of her hand. He is halfway out of his seat looking like he is ready to give her his ATM card or give her the moon. She notices us and flashes a huge sh*t eating grin. We roar about that one, the guy looks toward us where she is looking, and she quickly looks back at him, touches his cheek and turns his head back to hers. More roars of laughter from us as we walk to the tables. Another hour, I am down $60. Off to Nefertiti’s again for some more VP and booze. The bro stays at the table, comes to meet me another hour and a half later. By this time I am seeing two of the cowboy lounge act. 3am hit the sack.
Sunday we are up around 9. We get ready to head to the Bellagio sportsbook for some NFL games. Our taxi is stopped in the left turn lane of the intersection in front of Bellagio and here comes this homeless bum. I say bum because he is slowly walking across the street in the crosswalk while looking at each and every car with his middle finger up. We are laughing, but the car to our right has an older couple in it who look confused as to why this guy would be flipping them off. To our left is a black Lincoln Town Car with two guys who look securityish. They immediately get on their cellphones when they see this guy. Let me tell you the bum took extra time and effort with the cars on either side of us to make sure they saw him and his finger. Hopefully the guys to our left called a crew to give the bum a bath in the Bellagio lake.
The sportsbook is standing room only. Dammit we wanted a seat. We try Caesar’s, same result. By this time it is around 11am, we need food. We try the closest option, the Palatium buffet at Caesar’s. I have to say this place was a ripoff. 14 bucks for their “Champagne Sunday Brunch.†Our server gave us drinks immediately, then disappeared. Never cleared plates, refilled us, or did anything until we were about ready to leave. Food selection wasn’t anything special, I would think you would have some better selection for 14 bucks. The cantaloupe stunk. The honeydew melon sucked. The prime rib you could have wrung out like a sponge it was so soggy and blood soaked. I didn’t eat it. This place was a big mistake.
After that fiasco we sit at the slots in the back of the CP Sportsbook for a while, then back to Bellagio to see if any seats have opened up. Yeah right. There are more people here than before, and the same dudes are still in the seats. Don’t these slugs ever move? Screw the sportsbooks, let’s play some VP. Bellagio has such a great selection of VP machines you will think you are in VP heaven. Silicone-laden hotties began to bring us bloody marys with tasty big olives. We settled in, I started to have some good luck. Some full houses, 3 of a kinds, etc. I’m up like 100 coins, then the bro goes to the head. While he is gone I hit 2 quads, sixes and queens. Nice. After a few hours it is nearing 1pm, we cash out and head to Aladdin. We find a nice spot at the Lamp Bar for VP and the 49ers-Packers game. VP is very tight, the Niners lose. Stupid Lamp Bar.
After hitting NYNY for some food, we take a rest in the room. Then it’s time to try the luck at the home hotel. I find a nice VP machine and proceed to hit everything in the book (except the Royal of course). Over a couple hours I milk over $200 out of it, which is a lot for a low roller like myself. The bro stays somewhat even at the tables and rewards himself with ice cream from the Little John’s snack bar. Now it is time for some lounging. Cab up to Venetian first, up to the tiki bar at Venus. A great place to start your night, and if you like tiki bars, this place is a must see. After some time we head to the VooDoo lounge. Neither of us had been there, we had a great time. The view is amazing of course. Down to the Rio casino to play BJ. Now I have begun to stagger around. I notice people looking and chuckling so I give myself a time-out. To the nearest lounge (don’t remember where it is) for some west and wewaxation, and coffee. Of course being in my state I try to drink the coffee too fast and burn the crap out of my mouth. Uhh can I have some ice please? Anyway I chilled out there while watching these clowns try and work on their bottle tossing skills. They broke more than a few.
The bro got smoked at the Rio tables. After my timeout we decided to reward ourselves (for what I have no idea) with a trip to the Spearmint Rhino. The hustle was in FULL EFFECT in that place. Holy crow we couldn’t go 45 seconds without some hussy plopping themselves in either of our laps. We gave in after a while thinking we would be left at peace for awhile, but noooooo. A constant stream of skin and teeth and hair and chatter kept coming at us like a freakin freight train. I didn’t have time to sip my drink much less sit back and enjoy. The guys in front of us weren’t getting one-fourth of the attention we were, I asked what’s their secret. They say “you’ve got to be a dick to them.†Well I don’t want to do that so I begin my strategy of inane chatter with the girls. I talk so much they don’t have a chance to ask if I want to go in the back. Everything from the Theory of Relativity to weather systems to Hunter S. Thompson books I was blabbering about. Eventually they would move on but there were too many of them. We admit defeat and get the hell out with some of our money at least. 3am hit the sack.
Monday we gambled at the MB, Luxor, and Ex. Lost a little at every stop. Even my precious VP machine from Sunday betrayed me by sucking back $40 faster than I could order a beer. We checked out Star Wars on the IMAX at Luxor, it was pretty cool but you can’t see everything at once so action scenes are a little tough on you. Plus the volume in there does not go well with a mild hangover. Flight out of McCarran delayed of course. It always seems like it is tough to get out of town. Seeya in a month, Vegas.
Thanks for reading.
