Day 1â€¦ Friday In front of my buddyâ€™s house at 7amâ€¦the expedition gets loaded up until it looks like weâ€™re ready for an African safari. Weâ€™re on the road and high fiving by 7:15. We pull in to Primm Valley golf course around 11:30 for the first round of the trip, on the Lakes course (our plan is to play the Desert course on the way out of town). Itâ€™s nice and hotâ€¦.105ish, which brings references to the last time we played here, and the woman at the valet pick-up asking me, â€œdo you think itâ€™s going to get any hotter today?â€â€¦.since the sun hadnâ€™t started coming up yet, I felt fairly confident in my answer. The Lakes course was in beautiful condition, and I started off the trip right by putting foot to ass, and winning lunch. We eat lunch in the restaurant overlooking the course, then head into Vegas. Get to the Luxor around 7pm. Had every intention of trying the $20 trick, but there was a supervisor directly behind the clerks, keeping a sharp eye on all transactions, so I didnâ€™t. Got a room on the 16th floor of the pyramid, reasonably close to the inclinator, and more importantly, the ice machine. Hit the shower, changed, called home, etc., then it was off to a night of drinking and buffoonery. Our plan was to make it an early night, since we had a 5:30am wakeup for golf the next morning. Uhmâ€¦.yeah, itâ€™s Vegasâ€¦.we hit the pillows at 2am. Nice. Day 2â€¦ Saturday Itâ€™s 5:30am, and I need some coffee, Stat! We get breakfast at the Pyramid cafÃ©, which is conveniently located between our inclinator and the exit to the parking garage. Nice. Today it is off to TPC at the Canyons for 36 holes. Love this course. Our plan is to play one round from the middle tees, and one from the back tees, to give us different looks. The first twosome we get paired with want to play the back tees, so we start our day from the back. My game seems to be working, and I start off day 2 by once again putting foot to assâ€¦ woohoo! Free lunch! We check in with the starter to schedule the replay, and the docket is surprisingly fullâ€¦.our choices are to go again in 20 minutes, or in two hours. The choice is obvious. I roll my free lunch to a free dinner, we hit the Expy to reprovision with lots of energy bars, apples, Gatorade, and beer, and we are good to go. We get paired up with a couple of young guys with Jersey / NY accents. We assume they are here to â€œlearn the family businessâ€. Turns out one is an attorney, and the other is an Ear, Nose and Throat Surgeon! Doh! Hahahaha The funny thing is, the Surgeon has the absolute worst touch I have ever seenâ€¦.. I mean Ever. The greens at TPC are huge, and this guy would consistently blow his chip over to the other side of the green, or blast a 10 foot put 20 feet by the hole. About 2/3 of the way through the round, after putting off the green, his buddy yells, â€œYouâ€™re a Fucking Surgeon!!!â€ hahahahaaha!!! Outstanding. The bad news is, after rolling up a ton of skins, the heat/dehydration/sleep deprivation catches up to me, and my game suddenly goes in the tank. I lose the match on a single hole, and spiral down into no-game despair. My buddy follows me a hole later, but itâ€™s too late for me, Iâ€™m on the hook for a lap dance. Damn. Back to the hotel, and we are Beat. Get in the inclinator, and about half way up I tell my buddy, â€œI will give you $20 to let me use the shower firstâ€â€¦this gets chuckles all around, and as we step out, one of the ladies we are sharing the ride with says, â€œhey, for $20 you can use My shower!â€ woohoo! Hahahahaa I get out of the shower, and feel much, much better. My buddy has made a trip to the ice machine, and our ice chest looks like a Corona commercialâ€¦.lots of ice cold coronaâ€™s, packed in iceâ€¦.I felt like the little guy on the Sprite commercialsâ€¦.â€oh no you didnâ€™tâ€¦.sniffâ€¦itâ€™s just so beautifulâ€¦â€ Without question the best tasting beers of the trip. We end up eating dinner at the Mandalay Bay buffet, primarily because we are starving, and want food Now. It was good, especially for me, since my buddy was payingâ€¦ heeheehee. Fully fuelled, it is now time for me to pay off my wager, so itâ€™s off to Cheetahâ€™s!! I guess I donâ€™t need to go into detail hereâ€¦.letâ€™s just say that we both had a Very good timeâ€¦.drank quite a few coronaâ€™s, and had a Lot of lapdancesâ€¦.both of us having fattened up our Vegas slush funds in anticipation. Outstanding time. Back to the Luxor, leave a wakeup call for 5:30, which isâ€¦.three hours from now. Nice. Day 3â€¦Sunday Itâ€™s 6am in the Pyramid CafÃ©, and I donâ€™t feel so good. Did we not specifically say we were not going to play hung over this trip? Damn. As was the case the previous morning, there are a couple of tables of hip kids that have stayed up all night (I can tell they are hip, because the guys all wear the uniformâ€¦. untucked dress shirt, with unbuttoned cuffs). We get a semi bitter, middle aged chuckle by noting that these guys are always having breakfast with the hotties, instead of ordering room service after giving their room the Rock Star treatment. Today itâ€™s off to Paiute golf resort, which has three magnificent courses. Our plan is to play the newest of the three in the morning, and pick one of the others for the afternoon round, if weâ€™re up to it. We meet the twosome we are to be paired up withâ€¦two singles actually, both nice guys, and itâ€™s off to the first tee. I vote for middle tees, but these guys want to play the back tees. Fine. My game is somewhat shakey, as Iâ€™m operating on 5 hours of sleep on day 3, with a fairly substantial hangover. My buddy and I trade punches for the first few holes, playing pretty evenly. Then the wind comes upâ€¦.not a breezeâ€¦wind. Iâ€™d say about 30mph. This has the effect of turning the back tees into Championship tees. My will is quickly broken. Iâ€™m not alone, as â€œMr. I need to play the back teesâ€ starts pumping shots into the desert, lakes, etc.. Dumbass. Hahahahahaa This guy had the fastest swing I have ever seen, and could hit the ball a Ton, but on courses like this, if you canâ€™t put it on the fairway, it doesnâ€™t matter how long you are off the tee. The comedy highlight comes as Dr. Longball is bending over to tee up his ballâ€¦.my buddy takes a picture of the island green we had just played. Longball asks if we want him to take a picture of us with the green in the background. I say no, we were just getting a shot of him bending over for our website, and that he should check the internet in a month or soâ€¦.as heâ€™s getting the â€œaw, shitâ€ look on his face, my buddy says, â€œitâ€™s amazing what you can do with digital pictures todayâ€¦..whatâ€™s your favorite kind of dog?â€ hahahahaha the guy hangs his head and dead pans, â€œgerman shepherdâ€â€¦ we are howling. Excellent fun. I succumb to the heat/wind/back tees, and my buddy wins the match with some really good play. Good for him. Lunch is on me in the beautiful clubhouse restaurant, with floor to ceiling glass that looks out over the courses. The wind is blowing even harder now, and we decide we donâ€™t need more of that pain. Back to home base. Our original plan was to move to Primm Valley Monday night, so we could play the Desert course on the way out of town Tuesday morning. I decide Iâ€™ve had enough golf, and ask my friend if he would mind if we cancelled those reservations, and just stay in Vegas another night, sleep in, and drive back Tuesday morning. He doesnâ€™t seem overly pleased, but agrees. After showing and changing, we decide that a nap is probably a good call, so itâ€™s lights out for about three hoursâ€¦.I feel so much better. I am off to play some holdâ€™em, as my buddy has aâ€¦ uhmâ€¦. errâ€¦.date. See ya in a few hours, you know where to find me. I meet his friend on the way out. I saw pictures last time, so I felt like I knew her already..heeheehee Off to the poker room for some 2/4 holdâ€™em! I sit down and my first hand isâ€¦. pocket aces baby. I slow play them, and check raise two guys on the riverâ€¦. Cha ching!! Nice start. The table is at least half tourists, very pleasant. After three hours I am up a hundred, and my very relaxed buddy is ready for dinner. We make the rounds of Luxor and Mandalay Bay, and realize that most restaraunts close at 10pm. Stupid. We end up at this cool upscale burger place in the walkway between Luxor and Mandalay Bay. Build your own burger with different kinds of beef, and stuff like jalpeno bacon. Each booth has a little tv in the wall playing clips of black and white 30â€™s / 40â€™s looking soft porn. I like it. Hahahaa Refueled, itâ€™s off to play some black jack. We play for an hour or so, and Iâ€™m up about a hundred. Good day gambling. We successfully get an early night in, on the pillows by 1am. Day 4â€¦Monday Today is Rio Secco day. We love this place. I am rested, not hung over, there is only a slight breeze, and we are a twosome, which means we can play the middle tees, and have some fun. I donâ€™t understand the attraction of playing the back tees when you donâ€™t have the skillsâ€¦.why torture yourself, especially on vacation, when you could play the middle tees, and give yourself a good chance to hit fairways and greens? The leader board says we are tied at two rounds apiece, so today will decide the overall championship. A fierce battle ensues, as we both bring some game to the course today. The 16th hole is a longish par 3 over water, overlooked by the clubhouse and restaurant. High comedy is provided as my buddy pumps two into the lakeâ€¦.heeheehee I am up one hole as we come to the 18th tee box. On the green, I am down a stroke, which means I need to make my 15 foot putt to tie the hole, and win the match. My putt tracks right to the hole, andâ€¦. hangs on the freaking lip!!! Brutal! A third of the ball is hanging over the cup, and it wonâ€™t drop in!! Dammit!!! The tie breaking round isâ€¦. a Tie?! Most unfulfilling. And to add insult to injury, I have to buy my own lunch! Hahahahaa We have been looking forward to lunch at Rio Secco for two yearsâ€¦. no menu requiredâ€¦ we both want â€œThe Harmonâ€. Named for Butch Harmon, who has one of his golf schools hereâ€¦ the one where he worked with Tiger. It is a Very large ground beef pattyâ€¦more like a small meatloaf reallyâ€¦. stuffed with jalapeÃ±os and cheddar cheese. Awesome. It doesnâ€™t disappoint. Back to the Luxor. When I get out of the shower, my buddy informs me that he has anotherâ€¦.uhmmâ€¦. â€œdateâ€ that evening. Cool! More poker for me! We have a few hours to burn, so he decides that he wants me to teach him how to play holdâ€™em. We go over the basics in the room, then down to a 2/4 table. Heâ€™s a typical novice, but the dealers and players are friendly. On one hand itâ€™s the two of us showing down, and I have a flushâ€¦.I try to check raise him on the river, but he checksâ€¦.damn him!! Hahahaha We play for a couple of hours, but dehydration is making him a bit goofy, so heâ€™s off to take a walk and drink as much water as possible before his date. I continue to play, but run into a bad streak, beginning with my AK hitting a King on the flop and the turn. The river brings a three. I bet and get raised. Huh? Yep. Someone stayed in with K3, to catch the boat on the river. Nice. I got hit with four or five beats in the next couple of hours, and decided I wasnâ€™t having any fun here. I decide to take the walkway over to Excalibur, and try my luck there. The poker room at Excalibur is quite nice. Spacious, lots of games, and a huge big screen with two big tvâ€™s built in the wallâ€¦.looks like a good spot during football season. Still stinging from the beating I just took at the Luxor, I make the worst decision of the trip. They have 1-3 holdâ€™em. I think to myself, this is the beginners gameâ€¦Iâ€™ll just play strong hands and clean up. What I experienced here was like nothing I have ever seen. It is what I always here better players saying about the level of game I play in ( 2/4 or 3/6 ), namely, that too many people see the flop, and call all the way to the river. There was a single one dollar blind, and I would estimate that an average of 8 players saw each flop. People were literally playing any two cards that came to them. When you have that many people playing trash, the flop is going to hit Somebody. It was hideous. My pocket Kings got beat by a guy who had paired up the unsuited 6 and 10 in his hand. I was astounded. Somebody said â€œnice handâ€â€¦..I wanted to scream out, â€œthatâ€™s not a nice hand! Thatâ€™s F-ing 10 6 offsuit you idiot!!â€ hahahaha yes, I was bitter. I will never, ever, play that game again. Thankfully after a couple of hours, my buddy came to get me for dinner. One last word on the Trashy Castle. Hilarious. A people watching extravaganza. Iâ€™ll just say thisâ€¦.If Mikey busted out the teef at a craps table, it would have zero comedy value. My introduction to the concept occurred as I first stepped into the hotel, and passed the mullet wearing gentleman with the jean jacked which he had modified into a vest by cutting off the sleeves. No shirt underneath, of course. Nice. So, now weâ€™re hungry, and in search of a place to eat, but, itâ€™s after 10pm, which makes it difficult. Was there not a memo to restaurant owners that Vegas is open after 10pm?! Maddening. I canâ€™t believe no one wants to capture that market share. We do the full loop of Luxor and MB, and end up at the Pyramid CafÃ©. Fine. Both have the prime rib special, which is surprisingly good. Off to play some blackjack. At the first table, the dealer pulls this string of hands on us: 20, four card 21, BJ, 6 up (I double down on my 8 and get a face card) five card 21, and finally another BJ. SEEYA!! Brutal. Off to another table. This dealer goes BJ, 20, BJ, four card 21, 20. Uhmâ€¦ yeah. Iâ€™m done. We head back to the room to have a couple of beers and B.S. before calling it an early night. In a reference to some buffoonery I perpetrated on last yearâ€™s October trip, my buddy opens the cooler and says, â€œthereâ€™s 20 cold beers in here, and it would be bad Ju-Ju to leaveâ€™em in Vegas.â€ Rut-Roh. We commence beer drinkingâ€¦.he at a faster pace than I, as Iâ€™m driving tomorrow. The topic of politics comes upâ€¦.a topic that he and I really try to avoid, as we are polar opposites in our views. This conversation takes approximately three hours or so. Good stuff really. My personal belief is that a lack of civil discourse is the reason for the highly charged political environment we find ourselves in todayâ€¦.that you find out what your true beliefs are by trying to explain them to someone with differing views, and listening to their points. We managed to do that, and both came away better for it. We call it a night, and itâ€™s onlyâ€¦. 3am! Beautiful. Day 5â€¦Tuesday. We wake up around 9am, eat breakfast, hit the gas station, and weâ€™re on the road. We recount our escapades to keep s awake on the drive (that and a couple of Starbucks runs). Home in time to pick up the kids and do some laundry. Nice. I took Wednesday off as a day to recover. I went to bed at 9pm Tuesday night, and woke up at 1pm on Wednesday. â€˜Nuff said. Wednesday is golf league night, so after being up for three hours, it was time to tee off! Hahahaha Afterwards, I get into my truck, and see a message on my phoneâ€¦..itâ€™s Bazootch, and his message is: â€œCan a Brotha get a trip report?! Jeez!!â€ hahahaha outstanding. Made me laugh out loud. So here it is, and now I can stop pretending that Iâ€™m working, and actually get some done.