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My first Royal Flush and met Royal Flusher

Discussion in 'Vegas Trip Reports' started by squidward, Jun 1, 2012.

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  1. savage810

    savage810 Low-Roller

    Joined:
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    My trip next month WILL include Heinekens and "Remember the Alamo!"

    Great TR!

    :beer:
     
  2. Joe

    Joe VIP Whale

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    I quit ordering Heinekens and it used to be my beer of choice in Vegas. Not often, but occasionally I would get skunky ones.

    No proof, but I decided it was because how long they could sometimes sit on the loading dock in 120 degree heat after delivery. Does that also happen with other deliveries, yes. But never had it happen to anything but a Heiny. Maybe it's the boat trip over?
     
  3. chiabro

    chiabro Newbie

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    "...put up my luggage in the fridge."

    You won me over early in the trip with that one. This is a classic report. Thanks.
     
  4. trooth

    trooth Low-Roller

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    I'm amazed with what you got away with in the tourney. That is hilarious.
     
  5. jpw711

    jpw711 Is that your cat?

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    Hopefully you will run into the young couple on day 4:thumbsup:

    Loving this report, thanks for the laughs!
     
    No reason to go home yet.
  6. craps1

    craps1 Low-Roller

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    The "skunkiness" occurs when the beer is exposed to light. Green bottles is a partial conduit for this to happen. Hence, you will sometimes get skunk beer from Heinikens and Becks and some others packaged in green bottles.
     
  7. robert m.

    robert m. High-Roller

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    Love downtown, and loved your report!

    Whoop!
     
  8. NurseLisa

    NurseLisa High-Roller

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    Really enjoying your report! Getting me in the mood for our trip coming up soon.
     
  9. squidward

    squidward Probationary Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
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    Day Four - Trust the Man-Panties

    Once again, last night before I went to bed I arranged for a wake-up call for 8:00 am; then opened my blinds to enjoy the late-night view of the Cal and Plaza, and had another Alka-Seltzer Plus Orange Flavor nightcap. I'm telling you this Alka-Seltzer stuff works miracles, so for those that tend to overindulge like I do; try it, you can thank me later.

    Woke up at 7:00 am to a bright and sunny Thursday morning. Yep I forgot to close the blinds again. One would think I would stop doing this after all these years? Anyway, I felt great! Had another Alka-Seltzer Plus Orange Flavor after I got up just to be on the safe side. I got dressed in my last change of business casual and was out of the room even before the wake-up call came.

    Stopped by the Boars Head bar for coffee and video poker. My conversation with bartender went like this.

    Him - "Pale Ale?"

    Me - "No, Coffee."

    Him - "Heineken?"

    Me - "No, Coffee?"

    Him - "J&B and Soda?"

    Me - "NO, COFFEE!"

    Him - "Pussy."

    I do appreciate a smart-ass bartender, and they know it! Anyway, had a couple (that's two) cups of coffee and made a $40.00 donation to the stingy DDB machine and went over to the Market Street Cafe at the Cal for an excellent Loco Moco and OJ. Also made a note to myself that it's Thursday so and they are serving the Oxtail Stew as a special today, ummmmm another one of my favorites here. Whipped out my lucky Bconnected Sapphire card and paid with points.

    Went through the Cal, passed through Binion's, and onto the SDX to the Interop Convention at Mandalay Bay. I got there and attended two morning conference sessions. After the second conference I was sitting in the lobby area having a nice conversation with a Rep from Dell Computer. All of a sudden the President of the company that I had won the conference passes from and met briefly yesterday (and later took his sales staff to a party) comes over to me and is looking very angry.

    He stands over me shaking his finger at me and starts telling me how he does not appreciate me taking his staff out drinking all night. He is livid because they all showed up late, hung-over and he holds me personally responsible. Seriously, WTF! He gets even madder when I start laughing. I mean it's not even noon today and someone is pissed off at me? I just politely excused myself to the Dell Rep and turned my back on this idiot and walked away without even acknowledging his rant, other than laughing and shaking my head.

    Well after this episode I decided that I had completed enough "business" for this trip, grabbed another big 16 ounce Heineken at the Conference Center gift shop and headed to the Casino gift shop for another big Heineken to get me to the bus stop. I know some of you are wondering "Squid, why do you purchase Heineken's at the gift shops at Mandalay Bay, they sell Heineken at the bars?" Well let me tell you; the bar sells 12 ounce bottles for $8.00 plus I always tip at least a dollar and the gift shop sells 16 ounce cans for six or seven bucks, no tip required. The other alternative is not to drink, and we know that's just silly talk. OK, now we have that mystery cleared up.

    On the bus, back down-town, over to the Fremont, a couple of Heineken's and one to-go to get me over to the Cal (that's three.) Where I stop at the San Francisco Bar where they truly appreciate a Bconnected Sapphire Card carrying video poker player with.... wait for it.... Yes, comped Heineken's!

    Well I sat down at the end by the cocktail waitress station played quarter DDB for a few hours, talked with friendly bartenders, flirted with the waitresses and I'm telling you I did not piss off anyone the whole time I was there, honest. So after a sixer (that's six) Heineken's and winning a whopping ten bucks I went to cash out my $30.00 ticket.

    Hey! Did everyone else know that there are these electronic cash dispensers that will take your ticket, and spit out cash in these casinos. After all these years waiting in cashiers lines I never noticed this. I always thought they were ATM's or something. Geez, I can be such a rube sometimes?

    Now I'm feeling no pain, waltzing my way back to MSS for round two of the slot tournament. I walk through the crowd, my head held high like someone who is currently in fifth place, and ignoring all of the stink-eye stairs and the little old ladies mumbling to each other. I'm pretty sure that little or nothing good was being said about me at this time and place, but that's just a guess. Went and drew my number, it was lucky number 28, hey that's a lucky number according to the Slovenian's right?

    I then walk over to the Casino Host on duty at the Bconnected Booth. She looks up at me and says "Are you the one that was causing a ruckus yesterday?" I replied "No, but I know who you are talking about, that guy was a real butt-head wasn't he! Can I get a late check-out tomorrow?" And then handed her my lucky blue Bconnected card. Well she squinted at me and gave me a sly unbelieving look, punched buttons on her computer and asked "How late?" I said "Three or four would be great, I have a late flight." She called the front desk and arranged for a 4:00 pm checkout, made sure I had a zero balance, and reminded me to get new key-cards from the front desk. My original keys would quit working an noon tomorrow. I said thanks, and immediately got out of there in case her memory some how improved and she "made" me. Went to the front-desk and exchanged key-cards with the lovely front desk clerks.

    Walked back to the tournament area and found machine 28, Crap! It was all the way in the back by the windows overlooking the lobby. How is one supposed to distract a large group of little old Hawaiian ladies way back here. This tournament is rigged I tell you. Anyway the same tournament host gets up to the microphone, shoots me another stink-eye for good measure, and says very quickly "NO QUESTIONS, 20 Minutes just like yesterday, ONETWOTHREEGO!"

    Crap again! Oh well, we all start slapping away. It was torture, all of my hollering "BIG KAHOUNA" every 6 seconds was for naught. My one and only old lady Hawaiian neighbor at the next machine (as I was at the end of the back row) kept a steady thousand or so lead on me. She would even look over at me with a self-satisfied grin and give me a "Humph" every few minutes, Ten minutes had passed and I haven't even got to 10,000 yet (my neighbor had, damn it.) At 14 minutes I finally crossed the 10K mark, I did not announce it to everyone like yesterday. My "BIG KAHOUNA" shouting slowed down to a snails pace. Poopers; the time had run out and I was looking down to a measly 18,942 score. I was glad to be at the back and at the end of the row now. By the time the tournament assistant got back to me to record the score, most of the little old Hawaiian ladies and their entourages had left. So with my head held low I humbly walked over to the Boars Head bar to commiserate my mediocre performance over a few Heinekens and some dollar JOB video poker.

    When I got there my spirits were lifted immediately! Why you ask? Well Kelly the attractive bartender was there! Oh... on a side note: Besides being an attractive bartender, Kelly is an attractive Professional Masseuse. She works gigs at various conventions and at the WSOP events. Whenever I see her at CES I let her work her magic on me, Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Sorry, I lost my concentration there for a minute.

    Anyway after a couple-couple (that's 4, remember) Heineken's I was feeling much better and doing better than OK with my JOB play. I was getting flush and outside-strait opportunities left and right and I was hitting way more than my fair share. Throw in a couple of full-houses and four 4OAK and I had my ticket up to $800.00. Then it hit me, this is my last night here and I have only gambled at four different casinos. I have only played craps, blackjack, and video poker (not counting the Big Kahouna machines.) Come on man! I am up almost three grand and I still have a clean pair of lucky thong man-panties up in the room. I need to try some new games and get out of my rut. So up to the room I go to change and finish off the two surviving Heineken's that were still in the fridge. So I evened up my pocket money to $1,000.00 and went back down stairs.

    On the way down the elevator doors opened, and wouldn't you know it, my rival old Hawaiian ladies got on to make their way to their high school class reunion over at the Cal. So I put on my most haughty demeanor, stuck my nose up in the air, and said "Evening Ladies" without even looking down at them. Well they were just chattering away and headed over to the Slot Tournament Scoreboard to look at the final results. I followed behind while keeping a respectful and safe distance between us.

    I finally had to shove my way in-between a few of them to get a good look. Unbelievable, I only fell to 13th place! I finished in the money! OK, 13th place was only $50.00, but I was in the money! I said very loudly "Back-up girls! Gotta take a picture of this! I'm in the Money!" Ohhhh, the looks that I got from the girls of Hawaiian High School Class of 1912 (or whatever they were) were priceless. I took my picture of the score and got the hell out of there while the getting was good.

    [​IMG]

    Made my way over to the Cal and picked up my 50 smackers at the cashiers cage. Then it was over to the Four Queens. I have not shown them any love this trip, and they do send me comps now and then so I decide to put the Thong Man-Panty to work (it was my metallic blue pair, by the way.) I was on full power drunk logic at this time, and decided I needed to only play high variance "carnie" type video poker games that I have never played before. First up....$1.00 Five Play Super Times Pay video poker! I didn't even look at what variation it was, JOB, DDB? I don't know, I was too enamored with this silly game to notice. Just put in a hundy and pushed Bet Max button.... holy crap, no wonder I have not played this before. I have just put $30.00 at risk, not $25.00. Whew, I looked up and I had three-threes and the 5 times pay thingy was on? Hold, hold, hold on the threes....held my nose and pushed draw...damn thing gave up $375.00. Got my ticket out, cashed it out quickly. MAN THAT WAS FUN, I have never done anything that risky at that high of stakes before. And let me tell you my drunk logic was telling me something like.... Trust the Man-Panties...Trust the Man-Panties. Hey! After as many Heineken's as I have had today and not eating since breakfast, this can happen, I promise.

    Well for a change a little angel lands on my shoulder and says to me "Go eat! Go eat now!" So I head back over to the Cal with the idea of getting the Oxtail Stew Special. Line was huge and I was in no mood to wait. Damn, Redwood Grill was not open tonight, so I drunkenly waltzed into the Pasta Pirate. I had on shorts and flip-flops, but I was wearing a collard shirt as I had sold my lucky T-shirt a couple of days ago, remember. But I suppose I still had the drunk-tourist look, as the hostess looked down her nose at me and said in a very whiny-nasally voice "Do you have a reservation Sir?" I just grinned peeled off a twenty and said "A booth please!" Well then, her attitude improved immediately and responded very enthusiastically "Right this way Sir!" So I had the Shrimp Cocktail, House Salad, Filet with Prawns, and a couple of Heinekens (of course silly.) Paid with my lucky blue Bconnected card points and left a $20.00 tip (the tab was less than 40 bucks.)

    So I was about three of four percentage points more sober now and I no longer felt a deep seeded need to pick on old Hawaiian ladies. See what a good meal does for me when I have my Vegas on! But I have not sobered up enough to stop my Drunk Logic. Yep, the voice in my head kept it up... Trust the Man-Panties!

    So back over to the Four Queens, I was looking for the craziest highest variance video poker to test the voices in my head. Not to mention I could afford to take the risk and I had enough liquid courage in me. Then I saw it! It was the most amazing, sexy, and beautiful sight to behold!

    There were two Lesbians sharing a video poker game called Spin Poker! How did I know they were Lesbians...well they were sharing the same stool and they were snuggling and smooching, telling each other sweet nothings in between spins. Yea... Yea... Yea... Whatever; back to the amazing, sexy, beautiful Spin Poker machine! This thing looked like a triple-play machine, but you held cards on the middle row, and then it spun like a slot machine. Now this is where it gets exciting, IT PAYS ON NINE LINES! Where are these lines exactly, what exactly do they pay, hell if I know... but who cares, IT PAYS ON NINE LINES! Sorry, my Drunken Logic got carried away here.

    So nine lines times 5 for max play. Holy guacamole! That's 45 nuts a pull. Pucker up boys and girls, I'm in, l gotta Party Hard! So I sit down by the Lesbians and stick $500.00 bucks into the machine. Select a Dollar DDB option. Waitress stopped by, ordered a Heineken and I was off to the races at 45 smackers a hand or spin or whatever you call it on this thing. It was a BLAST! Let me tell you I was playing real slow, this was intimidating even with my lucky underpants on. I did the deal and the hold part of the game like a standard DDB game, the spinny-winny thingy was cute, but then all of those pay line things come up and you don't know what the hell is going on? It was a BLAST! I kept getting Jacks or Better (occasionally with a 3OAK thrown in) and allot of 2 pairs. I kept putting up 45 bucks and was consistently getting paid back $25.00 to $75.00.

    The butch girl of the couple next to me leans over to me and asks "What's the object of this game." I just look at her and say "To get something good; and it looks like you already did sweetie!" Anyway I started talking to this nice little couple and admitted that I really had no idea exactly how this game worked or even if I was playing it correctly. They sort of gave me respect as I was sounding confidant, playing at $45.00 a pull and was not even loosing. I was happily giving them such good Vegas advice like "Nothing ever good happens after 3:00 am" and "When you hear someone tell you to go big or go home... go home."

    Then I hit an interesting hand. I was dealt a diamond flush, insta-held all five so no spinny-winny thingy just gave me all diamonds on every card. Well then all 9 paylines pay for a total of $225.00. Looked really cool, reached for my cell phone to take picture, damn battery was dead. I blamed it on them dang old Hawaiian ladies, because I just had to take that last picture with the flash on just to piss them off (Drunk Logic is going into overtime now.)

    Now I'm up on this very fun machine, having a great conversation, and the cocktail waitress is dropping off the Heinekens like clockwork without even asking. She didn't forget to stop for the tip though. She even brings drinks to both my new buddies sharing the stool next to me even though only one game is being played by both of them. Then the girls ask me if I know of any gay-friendly bars around. Poof; the devil on my shoulder shows up. Ohhh come on now dear readers, you know I did it! Yep, I said with a straight face "You guys should try the Power Exchange. I have talked to some of the locals who enjoy going there, and oh yes it is Gay-friendly."

    After a few more hands this happens. I was dealt 4-Jacks, I mean blank,J,J,J,J. I hold the jacks and calculate a $750.00 payout. So I Push draw, and then remember that this thing has 9 pay lines. Dang if I know how, but it paid $1,125.00, no W-2, and no hand pay required.

    Yowzer! I was very surprised, happy, even ecstatic, and once again lost any ill will towards elderly Hawaiian ladies. I didn't even feel like pissing anyone off ever again (well tonight anyway.) So I looked over to the girls next to me and said "Oh yea, I just remembered there is a place down the street called Drink and Drag. Its a gay bar with Drag shows if that would interest you. Wanna go, I'll show you where it is and buy you guys a drink." They both agreed that this would be a fun place to go and were more than happy to go have a drink with me.

    So I cashed out, and led them down to Neonopolis and we eventually found the place. Man they need signs; this place is hard to find. Well it was a fun place and very entertaining. I found out something new. I prefer my drag queens on the "fishy" side. In Gay slang that means I prefer the men that dress up like women to actually look like very pretty feminine women. Who knew! See, don't you learn so much from reading my Trip Reports?

    I had a couple of Heinekens with my new girlfriends and at 8 bucks a clip for my beer and like 12 smackers for Jager Bombs for the Girls this place was not cheap. Geez, it's a good thing I'm strait, cause I could not afford to hang out at Gay bars at these prices. Anyway after a couple of rounds I bounced and headed further up Fremont East to the El Cortez. I walked around the casino and sure enough, it was cleaner, and remodeled since the last time I had been here. It was getting close to midnight and I observed an interesting mix of young hipster/street critters and former customers of the Western.

    I sat down at the bar in the back by the cafe and restrooms. Hey! I thought pay tables were supposed to be good here? Not at this bar, and the bartender told me that this was the only bar open at this time of day. So I begrudgingly put a twenty into the video poker machine and ordered a J&B and Soda (cause I was tired of beer, didn't you guys notice how much beer I've had today!) He looks at me before he gets the drink and says "Uhhh, that will be an extra $2.25." I looked up and replied "I said J&B, not Glenmorangie!" He explained that they had this policy that they could only comp well drinks and that the gun would dispense Chivas if that was acceptable. I told him to pour the J&B, slapped down a finsky and told him to keep the change. Played and played 8/5 DDB on that twenty dollar bill. J&B's kept coming, I was tipping a buck a drink and we never had the discussion about an extra $2.25 again.

    There were probably 7 or 8 people at this square four-sided bar. Most were down and out elderly Ex-Western types and they all seemed to be playing video keno. I do not know if you have experienced a half a dozen or so loud video keno machines going bloink...bloink...bloink...bloink over and over and over, well it gets annoying. Or maybe I was getting tired.

    Every time one of the old-timers would get something good you could hear the payout. So could a couple of attractive hipster/street critter young girls. They would surround the lucky winner and congratulate him, pat him on the back, applaud his amazing skill at this game. Well these old-timers had the buckles and had been to the rodeo a few times. It was very entertaining watching the young girls on the hustle vs the hard old men. Made me forget the crappy video poker game and the repetitive assault on my ears for a half an hour or so.

    Then one of the hipster chicks sits down a couple of seats from me and starts screaming into her cell phone at someone because her roommate stole her cigarettes. She was demanding that whomever was on the other end of the conversation needed to come down to the El Cortez and bring her cigarettes and/or money right now!

    That's it, I have had enough of Fremont East! Blech! Eight dollar Heineken's, bartenders hassling J&B drinkers, crappy video poker, loud video keno machines, obnoxious oblivious hipster girls hustling old grisly men.

    I look up at the pretty little street critter and said "I'll give you ten bucks if you hang up that phone right now." She looks at me curiously and raises an eyebrow. I reach in my pocket, pull out a ten-spot, and slap it on the bar top. She ends the call without saying good-by and puts the phone in her back pocket. I just get up, I leave the tenner on the bar and walk out of the El Cortez without saying another word. I have had enough of making people mad at me on this trip.

    So back to the MSS. I go up to my room, plug my phone into its charger, put $2,500.00 into the safe and I take a couple of hundred bucks and go back to the Boars Head Bar. I put twenty after twenty into DDB video poker machines, lost it all. I stayed up till sun-rise staying drunk as Cooter Brown drinking J&B and Soda, loudly telling stories and lies to anyone who happens to sit within ear-shot of me. Just like I did when I started this week.

    ________________________________________________________

    I will quickly tell you how my fifth and final day went:

    Got up at 2:00 pm, Alka-Seltzer, Filet Mignon Sandwich at Triple Seven paid with Bconnected points, checked out at 4:00 pm, took the $2.00 WAX to the Airport, flew home.

    Sorry, nothing exciting at all on this last day. I had an amazing time, this trip was the perfect length, and I was ready to go home.

    Tadaa! The End!

    ________________________________________________________

    P.S. - Did anyone notice that I did not purchase another bus pass for Thursday. I just realized I took a trip on the SDX from Mandalay Bay to Down-town without a valid bus pass. Don't tell, OK?

    P.S.S. - When I got home I was scheduled to take my wife on vacation, which I did. And I spoiled her left and right with my ill gotten gains.

    P.S.S.S. - Yes, I went on vacation after I got back from Vegas because this was a "Business Trip"... Remember... Sheesh, pay attention!

     
    Last edited: Jun 7, 2012
  10. KellyLovesVegas

    KellyLovesVegas Earthling/retired space nerd

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    :nworthy::nworthy:

    Awesome Trip Report!
     
  11. reedy

    reedy Low-Roller

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    So what was the final total on Heinekens???

    U/O 65?????
     
  12. Hoowaa

    Hoowaa Tourist

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    Loved the report.

    Thanks for the effort.

    Made my morning reading the final chapter.
     
  13. Drambler

    Drambler High-Roller

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    If there was an award for most entertaining trip report of the year, I think this should win it. A great read and hilariously written. Give this man a Heineken!
     
  14. Royal Flusher

    Royal Flusher Savvy Gambler

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    Bravo Squidward!

    Great read, great gambling results! :beer:
     
  15. raraavis

    raraavis VIP Whale

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    absolutely loved it! :thumbsup:
     
  16. Tubbs

    Tubbs High-Roller

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    What a great read. Thanks for taking time to post all the drunken details and congrats on a nice win.

    BTW I have reported you to RTC. They will be staking out downtown, examining the underwear of any man caught hassling senior Hawaiian ladies, and turning anyone wearing man-panties over to the police. You have been warned.
     
  17. ck2124

    ck2124 Tourist

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    What a great report! We are so lucky on this board to have such talented writers who can really make you feel like you are right there. Thank you so much for taking the time that it took to put this together. You are hilarious and I have no idea how anyone can remember such detail and at the same time have to ask security twice for their room number!
     
  18. RonDiaz

    RonDiaz Low-Roller

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    LOVED these trip reports but AlkaSeltzer Plus combined with heavy drinking is a really bad idea. Acetaminophen combined with even light drinking let alone heavy drinking is a bullet train to liver failure. Do not try this at home kids. Stick to good ol asprin.
     
  19. squidward

    squidward Probationary Member

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    Actually I do remember most of this stuff? But, sometimes It's like the next day the fog clears and I sit there and have a "Ohh, crap, did I really do that?" experience. Too many times my memory recovery is initiated by unsolicited witnesses coming up to me at various bars and congratulating me on my outrages and stupid behavior. Seriously, Vegas is just full of these enablers, I love it.
     
  20. squidward

    squidward Probationary Member

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    Well then; I did not know this. I'm an IT professional, not a Health professional. Good thing I rarely do this as I only drink heavily when I'm in the State of Nevada twice a year.

    So, I officially resend my Alka-Seltzer Plus Orange flavor miracle hangover cure recommendation. I pledge to forevermore switch to the Aspirin and Pedialyte regimen recommended by others on this board.

    Well unless Ron has a problem with this strategy too? Thanks for looking after me and making sure I do no corrupt anyone else with my silly antics!
     
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