Hank's trip report

This trip report is from my cousin, Hank, who had not been to Las Vegas before (or much of anyplace else).

Dear Cuzin Rick,

My boy, Leroy, is written this here letter for me. He’s plumb smart on these computer things.

Anyhows, me and the old lady, Elly June, we heered tell of this Las Vegas place where folks go and gamble a bit. Well you know me, me and the boys been shooten craps in the church parking lot for the past 10 years while our old ladies go to the preachen.

Billy Joe down at the store said we’uns ought to go get us a travel agent since we didn’t know nuthin about airplane flyen and stuff. So we got into the pickup and drove all the way down to Russelville and found us a travel agent. She was real nice, got us tickets for the airplane and a place to stay while we was there. We just gave her our money and she gave us some pieces of paper to show folks when we got to Las Vegas.

The day finally arrived when we were supposen to go and get on the airplane. Elly June was so excited she just about peed down both legs. She ain’t ever rid on a airplane afore (me neither). Billy Joe down at the store said he’ed drive us to Little Rock to catch the airplane, business was purtty slow anyhows. So’s we throwed our box of extra duds in the back (Elly June made me take a clean pair of overalls) and all piled in his pickup and headed for LR. Whoeee, that sure is a big city. And folks were in a godafful rush, just zipping around here and there like they was a run’en from a fire.

He said we’ud have to check in at a counter so’s we got off and went where he tole us to. We had to stand in line for a spell then a nice lady called us up to her spot. I showed her all the papers the travel agent lady give us and she picked out some of them. She asked me if I wanted to check our box of extra clothes and I said heck no, I checked it real good afore we left home.

Rick, you outta see this place. They got dozens of them airplanes all lined up up and down a long hall way at places they call gates (but there were’nt no gates there just doors). They got so many they even have to give them numbers to keep them all sorted out. And there was more comin in and taking off all the time. I wanted to stop and look around for a spell but Elly June said we’ed look like ignert tourists.

They had a place for folks to set and wate and it was real nice. They had nice upholstered chairs that was all hooked up together. But some of them had tore places so I got out my roll of duck tape and fixed them. After a spell everyone got up and got in line at a door. Pretty soon a feller started letting folks through but when we started to go through he wanted to see our tickets. So I showed him all the papers the travel agent lady gave us and he picked out a couple pieces of card board and tore them in half and tole us to go on in.

Behind the door there was a loading chute, kinda like where we load hogs up to go to market only it was downhill and had fancy carpet on the floor. We followed it a ways and come to the airplane. Elly June kinda got scared right about there and were’nt gonna get in but I gave her a shove. There was a nice airplane lady at the door telling everyone hi. We found us a couple nice seats right up front and set down. There was even a place under the seat for our box of extra clothes. Prutty soon this feller comes up and says we is set’n in his seat. I said I don’t reckon so, we’uns was here first. So he got in a huff and went and got the airplane lady. She sided with the huffy feller and said we would have to move. Then she showed us some numbers on the piece of tore cardboard the gate feller gave us. Said that was supposed to be our seats numbers. So we moved but the seats wernt near so nice and were all crowded together.

I got to study’en on this later and got it all figured out. After folks buy their tickets, they draw numbers out of a hat to see who gets to set in what seat. Sure was hope’n we draw one of them seats up front coming back but didn’t happen.

Directly two of them nice airplane ladies came down the aisle pushing a little cart just given away sody pops -– for free. Me an Elly June both got us a Pepsi and they even gave us a nice little glass to drink it out of. Later they was a throw’n those nice little glasses away so me and Elly June kept ours. Rick, did you know them airplanes has indoor johnnies? There little bitty but a feller can go in there and do his business. Then you push this little lever and it all dumps outn the bottom of the airplane. I sure do pitty those folks on the ground, though, when a airplane flys over. I know a ain’t ever looken up again when one comes over our house.

After a spell the airplane landed and everyone got off so we got off too. I’d heered tell there was gambling right in the airport in Las Vegas, slot machines and all but we didn’t seen nuthin but lots of folks rushing around like they was in a terrible hurry. So I asked one of them airplane ladies where was all the slot machines and where could we catch a ride to the Westward Ho. She says we were’nt in Las Vegas but we was in Denver and to go to gate 37 and catch another plane to Las Vegas. Shoot, that ignert travel agent lady sent us to the wrong city.

We done like she said and it was the same as when we got on at Little Rock. The gate feller found some more little card boards and tore them in two. Elly June said for us to look on the tore cardboard pieces for seat numbers and sure enuf there was some. She’s real smart.

They gave away some more sody pop and even give out some dinner – all for free. I tried to pay for it, we ain’t on welfare you know, but they said it was ‘complementing’ or somethun like that and wouldn’t take no money. That grub sure was good too and it came in these nice little plastic trays. After we et me and Elly June licked them treys out real good and save ours.

When the airplane landed in Las Vegas, that wind was a blowing hard and the polit feller had to rassel that airplane around for a spell afore he got it going straight down the runway. Liken to scared Elly June to death, she said it was worse than riden the Tilta-Whurl at the county fair.

This time when we got off the airplane we was sure enuff in Las Vegas. I went right up to one of them slot machines and put a nickel in it. It just fell right on through and clunked on the bottom. Elly June said I was supposen to put in a quarter, said so right there on the front. Dang. That’s right expensive but she said go right ahead and put a quarter in it. She been saven up egg money for purt near 4 months and had almost $25 saved up and we was going to use it all gambling. Wow, I heered tell of high rollers but never thought I was one. So I put a quarter in the thing and pulled the handle. The little wheels started spinning around then started stopping one at a time. All tree wheels stopped on a diamond looking thing but the machine started ringing and a light flashing on top. I recken I broke the thing so’s we just eased on off, I sure didn’t want to pay for fixen no slot machine on our first day in town. Folks was a looken at us mighty funny about taken off but I didn’t care, we just skeedadled out a there. Lost my quarter though.

The travel agent lady tole us to find an outfit called Grayline and they would give us a ride to our hotel. We asked around and sure enuff they was there waiting for us. I gave them our traveln papers and they took one of them and tole us to get on. It was like a little school bus but had real nice seats and it was air conditioned too. A lot of other folks got on too. They sure have got a bunch of funney looken buildings in Las Vegas, one looked like them Egept piramids and another was all gussied up to look like New York city.

Billy Joe tole me we was supposed to tip folks when they did somethin or nuther for us, like getting our baggage (but we didn’t have no baggage, just our box of extra duds). Anyways when the feller what drove the little bus got our box out I gave him a dime tip. I guess Billy Joe was wrong about that tipping stuff cause the way that feller looked at that dime, I could tell he never got a tip like that before.

Billy Joe tole us when we got to the hotel we had to go and check in. They would tell us what room we was sleepen in and would give us a key. I guess folks in Las Vegas are not very honest as they keep the doors locked all the time. So we done like he said and the nice folks at Westward Ho gave us a key to a room out back behind the casino. There was a whole bunch of rooms out there, a lot more than the Pull – Inn motel over at Mount Avery. The room was real nice and even had clean sheets on the bed and it was all made up. We just left our own sheets in our box of duds for the whole time we stayed there. They had indoor plum’en here too with a tollet and sink and a bathtub. You ain’t gonna believe this, but they even put out these little bars of soap. Shoot, we didn’t need to bring none of that stuff. And they even had towels and wash rags. Smelled real good too just like a big bokay of flowers. I tell you, Rick, I ain’t used to fancy highflauten places like the Westward Ho but I recken we could get used to it in a hurry. Ha ha.

I got me a craven to shoot some craps so me an Elly June went in the casino. Whoee. What a fancy place. There was lights flash’en everwhere and it was great big. We was sure to get lost in here so’s we made up to meet back in the room at 4 oclock and go get some supper. Elly June got herself a whole roll of quarters and took off for the slot machines. I got out a 5 dollar bill and went looking for a crap game. I looked high and low for a bunch of fellers shooting craps but didn’t find nuthin. Then I heered some hooten and holleren and knew for sure it were a crap game. But the fellers werent on the floor, they was a standen around a hog trough up on legs. It had green carpet on the bottom with squares and numbers painted on it. The crap shooters was putten little round colored disks in the squares and one feller would throw the dice. Then the casino fellers would take some of the disks and give some back to other people. It took me a spell to figgur this out but the casino fellers don’t like folks gambling with real money. You got to buy these little round disks first then use them like they was money.

I bought me 5 dollars worth of the disks and the casino feller handed me one disk. I recken he would give me the rest when he had more time, they sure was busy. I stuck the disk in a square painted Don’t Pass and the shooter throwed the dice. I don’t recolect all that went on but purtty soon I had a big pile of those little disks, different colors too some greenuns and some blackuns. I was haven so much fun getting all those little disks I just about forgot about what time it was. So I asked a feller next to me what I was to do with all those little disks and he tole me to take them to the cashiers cage over yonder. So’s I put them all in my cap and went where he tole me to. The nice lady at the teller’s window took all the disks and handed me a bunch of money. She counted it out for me and there was $475. I said she musta been mistaken but she stacked all the little disks up again and said it was right. Godallmighty, I ain’t never seen so much money in all my born days. I knowed it was a mistake but I just stuffed all that money in my pocket and high tailed it out of there afore anyone caught on. Elly June had a big ol cottage cheeze carton full of quarters and she was real happy.

For supper me and Elly June went to this thing called a buffay. It was expensive, cost us almost $8 and that was each, but what the heck were high rollers so just as well act like it. It was just like a great big ol’ church picneck back home only there wer’nt no preachen and you didn’t even have to wate for sayen grace. Rick, you outta seen the food there. They had fried chicken, mashed taters and gravey, mackorini and cheeze, and a lot of other stuff I ain’t never seen before. But they didn’t have no polk greens or hog jowels or rubarb pie. I et till I could hardly walk then got me some cakes and pies and et some more.

We went back to the room and I took my overalls off cause they was binden my belly. Then Elly June got real frisky, said we should make hay while the youngens were’nt around.

Leroy, stop that gigglin. Don’t write that.

The next morning we got up hongrey. I thought I would never get hongrey again after that gut-busting supper. So’s we went back into the casino. They had the buffay still goin on but now it had all sorts of breakfast stuff – and werent near so expensive. Elly June stuck some biskets and sawsage and some of them little jelley packages in her purse so’s we’ed have some stuff for dinner and not have to pay for it.

After that we went outside out front to one of them other casinos. Some fool had left the doors wide open and all the cold air was a getting out and flys could just buzz right in. There werent no screen door or nuthin. So’s I started to close the doors and couldn’t even find any doors to close, guess someone musta stole them last night. Folks really are dishonest in Las Vegas. I tole one of the casino fellers about it and he said they would take care of it. Reckon they had to order them some new doors cause they were still gone when we came back later.

There was a nice family selling magazines on the sidewalk. But guess they were foreners cause when I asked how much they cost he said somethun I didn’t understand. So I just gave them a dollar and took the magazine. It werent much of a magazine though, just a lot of pitchers of nekid women and phone numbers and no readen at all. I liked it but Elly June didn’t think much of it. I saw her sneaking into the trash can that night but I fetched it up and put it under the sheets in our cloths box.

When we got back in our room, someone had come in and made up the bed and cleaned it all up. Elly June was real embarassed and we made dang sure our bed was made up from then on before we left the room.

There was a lot of other stuff we went and did but I can’t recolekt it all. We went to a lot of casinos and I shot me some more craps. Oh yes, did you know that there is these here girls that come around and give you free drinks? And you could get likker too. So I had me one of them burbon and cokes. I remembered what Billy Joe said about tipping folks so’s I gave this drink fetching girl one of them black disks (there kinda ugly anyway), figgurn she could go over yonder and get money for it. But I think Billy Joe was wrong about tippen cause she acted like she never got a tip before. It was plumb embarrassin how she carried on. Anyways she kept bringing me some more of them burbon and cokes until I got all likkered up and purt near fell down.

Them poor casino fellers must be having a hard time payen the bills and all. I bet there elektrisity bill is a real whopper. But they ain’t spending a whole lot on them drink fetchen girls dresses, they is purtty skimpy. Me an Elly June just kept on winnen there money till we musta had 5 or 6 hunerd dollars. Elly June had one big cottage cheeze carton and two small cartons full of quarters, said we’uns would be payen for groceries with quarters for a long time to come. I recken so.

When it come time to go home, I went to the hotel counter and asked how much we was owen. Thay said nuthin, it was paid for. That nice travel agent lady paid for our rooms. It made me kinda feel bad for calling her ignert but you know what, she made the same dang mistake for us goin home. We landed at Denver instead of Little Rock. It was just lucky we had some extra of them little cardboards so’s we could get on another airplane to Little Rock. Elly June made me carry all them quarters she won and when I had to walk through that little door jam in the airport it just throwed a fit. Them policeman fellers made me empty my pockets of all them quarters and they didn’t have enuff of them little cerial bowls so’s I had to just pile them up. I was a scared one of them dishonest Las Vegas people would just grab a handfull and take off.

Billy Joe fetched us up from the airport and brung us home. We had a real fine time in Las Vegas.

Me and Elly June we been studyen on this for a spell and we figgur we could move to Las Vegas and make a better liven than rasin hogs and milken cows. But I would feel kinda bad about taking those nice casino fellers money all the time. What do you think, Rick.

 

So Funny!!!

 

If the airplane got lost they musta been flying Sky High Airlines. No-I guess not-they got plastic glasses with their cokes. Sky High is a member of the Green Group and uses only recyclable cans. Did enjoy seeing someone enjoy their first trip though. Reminds me of my first time.

 

This report is toooo funny to be true

sunni