Bad joke of the day 2020

A local dentist was just arrested for dealing drugs. To say I was surprised would be an understatement. I’ve been going to him for ten years and never knew he was a dentist.

 

As a kid, I use to watch The Wizard of Oz, and wonder how someone could talk if they didn't have a brain...then I got Facebook.

 

Q: What do you give an elephant with diarrhea?

A: Lots of room.

 

A tired traveler pulls into a hotel around midnight. Very tired after
a long day's trip he asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills
out the paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting
in the lobby.
He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a
minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm.
"Fancy meeting my 'wife' here," he says to the clerk. "Guess I'll need a
double room for the night."
Next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over
$3000. "What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I've only
been here one night!"
"Yes," says the clerk, "but your wife has been here for three weeks."

 

A little boy and a little girl were taking a bath.

The little girl looked down and said, "What's that?"

"That's my little red sports car," said the little boy.

The little boy looked down and said, "What's that?"

"That's my little red sports car garage," said the little girl.

A few seconds later the little girl said, "How about you put your little red sports car in my little red sports car garage?"

"Sure," said the little boy.

The little boy's mother was down stairs and heard this blood curdling scream. She ran upstairs. Once she got there she saw blood all over the bathtub.

"What happened?!" she said.

"Well, Johnny tried to put his little red sports car in my little red sports car garage...but it didn't fit....so I cut the back wheels off....."

 

An avid golfer, Danny Burns was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh God no!" cries Danny. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"

"The good news is...... I have another arm to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I can go ahead with the transplant."

"Go for it, doc," says Danny. "As long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and a year later Danny was out on the golf-course when he bumped into the surgeon.

"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.

"Just great," says Danny. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch, and my putting has really improved."

"That's great," said the surgeon.

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."

"That's unbelievable!" said the surgeon. "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"

"Well, just two, said Danny, "I have trouble parallel parking: and, every time I get an erection, I also get a headache.

 

This morning as I was buttoning my shirt, a button fell off. After that, I picked up my briefcase, and the handle fell off. Then I went to open the door, and the doorknob fell off. I went to get into my car, and the door handle came off in my hand. Now I'm afraid to pee.

 

Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?

A: "What are you shaking about, it's me she's going to eat."

 

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!" The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."

 

Three flies in a trashcan get trapped overnight in a bathroom. The first fly goes to the sink, the second fly stays in the tub, and the third fly chooses the toilet.

The next morning, all the exhausted flies gather back in the garbage can.

The first fly says, "I'm exhausted! I almost got washed down the drain."

The second fly says, "I almost got squashed by feet in the shower!"

The third fly says, "The toilet was fine until it suddenly got dark. First, I heard thunder, then it started to rain, and if it weren't for that big brown log, I surely would have drowned."

 

A bunch of nuns are teamed together to paint the interior of their new church..while painting, the lead nun sister margaret announces that she wants everyone to be especially careful not to get paint on their new nun robes...so when sister margaret leaves...sister Erin turns to the rest of the nuns and suggests that since they are all girls, they paint nude..so as to not get any paint on their new nun attire.. the nuns agree and so they continue painting in the nude... after an hour they hear the door bell ring..
"who is it?" sister Erin asks...
"A blind man!" the man responds..
with a bit of relief, sister Erin lets the man in..
the man stops stunned at the door way...
"where do you want these drapes?" he asks..
"and do you always paint in the nude?"

 

Three gay men died, and were cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.

The first man said, ''My Benny loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane to scatter his ashes in the sky.''

The second man said, ''My Carl was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake.''

The third man said, ''My Jim was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time.''

 

If a paper bag is a poke,

and a donkey is an ass,

then why is a poke in the ass a goose?

 

One day three women went camping - a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. The blonde suddenly had to go to the bathroom. She went into the woods with her toilet paper and did her business.

While she was gone, the brunette and the redhead decided to play a joke on her. They skinned a rabbit and snuck up on the blonde, put the guts behind her and ran back to the campsite. Three minutes later they heard a scream.

Then they waited another half an hour and the blonde came back, sweating. She said, "I had to poop so hard I pooped my guts out. But thanks to God and these two fingers, I stuffed them back in."

 

Hmmmmm ... was anyone here a member of this fraternity back in college?

 

Three men were trekking through the desert and came across a magician standing at the top of a slide. The magician said, ''You may each go down the slide and ask for a drink. When you reach the bottom of the slide, you shall land in a huge glass of that drink.

The first man went down yelling, "Beer!" He landed in a glass of beer.

The second man went down yelling, "Lemonade!" He landed in a glass of lemonade.

The third guy man down the slide yelling, "Wee!"

 

There are three types of sex in a marriage. The first one is Kitchen Sex. This is when you are newlyweds, and you're still having fun, so you do it anywhere, anytime - but mostly the kitchen.

The second type is Bedroom Sex. This is when you have settled down a bit and probably have kids, so you can't do it anywhere except the bedroom.

The third type of sex is Hallway Sex. This is when you pass each other in the hall and say, ''Screw you.''

But there's also a fourth kind called Courtroom Sex. This is when you are getting a divorce and you try to screw each other in public.

 

Name something beginning with E, that you're not very good at.

Spelling

There are three kinds of people. Those that are good at math, and those that aren't.

 

Actually, there are 10 kinds of people, those who know math and those who do not.