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Bad joke of the day

Discussion in 'Non-Vegas Chat' started by wormhole, Jul 14, 2016.

  1. EnglishGent

    EnglishGent Low-Roller

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    Jimmy Carr: 'Is a midget an abortion that made it?'

    (He's got some flack for that one)
     
  2. Breeze147

    Breeze147 Button Man

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    3 Stages of Sex:

    1. House Sex - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house, in every room.

    2. Bedroom Sex - After you've been married for a while and you just have sex in the bedroom.

    3. Hall Sex - After you've been married for many years, and you just pass each other in the hall and say, "F**k you!"
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
  3. oghuman

    oghuman VIP Whale

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    • After being away on business, Jack Benny thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.
      She showed him a bottle costing $50.00. "That is a bit much," said Benny.

      So the clerk returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. "That's still quite a bit," Benny groused.

      Growing annoyed, the cosmetics clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. "What I mean," said Benny, "is I would like to see something really cheap."

      So the clerk handed him a mirror.
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  4. oghuman

    oghuman VIP Whale

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    Not Funny!
    :thumbsdown:
     

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  5. Breeze147

    Breeze147 Button Man

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    An old woman walks into a sex shop, shaking.

    "Sir," she asks in a shaky voice, "do you sell vibrators?"

    "Yes, ma'am."

    "And are they this big around and this long?" she asks in a shaky voice.

    "Yes, ma'am."

    "And they're $22.95?" she asks in a shaky voice.

    "Yes, ma'am."

    "How do you turn them off?"
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  6. Breeze147

    Breeze147 Button Man

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    It's a Brit thing.
     
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  7. oghuman

    oghuman VIP Whale

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    • A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock that night.
      They got dressed quickly. Then the man asked his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked, thinking him pretty weird.

      The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door. Upset, she asked where he'd been. The man replied, "I can not tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."

      The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes, and yelled, "I can see those are grass stains on your shoes. YOU LIAR! You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
  8. oghuman

    oghuman VIP Whale

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    OK, I'll take your word on that.
     
  9. Breeze147

    Breeze147 Button Man

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    Q: What do you call a Shih-Tzu mixed with a poodle?

    A: A Shih-Tzpoo
     
  10. oghuman

    oghuman VIP Whale

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    • A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes and was short.
      The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me -- is our youngest son my child?"

      The wife replied, "I swear on everything that is holy that he is your son."

      With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
     
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  11. Breeze147

    Breeze147 Button Man

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    Five men and one woman wash up on a desert island after a shipwreck. Before long they are all getting pretty horny so they all make a deal. Each man will marry the woman for one week at a time, at which point the next man in line will marry her and so on. All the men get sex every five weeks and the woman gets sex as often as she wants with a different man each week. The situation works wonderfully for five years. When the woman suddenly dies... The first week after wasn't too bad. The second week was geting sort of bad. The third week was getting pretty bad. The fourth week was really bad. The fifth week was horrible! By the sixth week it was unbearable... so they buried her.
     
    • Wow! Wow! x 1
  12. oghuman

    oghuman VIP Whale

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    • A man who was called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.
      Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

      Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.

      "Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a v-neck right down to your navel."

      The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"

      The Rabbi replied, "No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
  13. dmr

    dmr Registered Abuser

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    From the endless-loop soda/pop debate ... :)

    [​IMG]
     
  14. Breeze147

    Breeze147 Button Man

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    Q: Why do men take showers instead of baths?

    A: Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
     
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  15. oghuman

    oghuman VIP Whale

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    • Just as a personal comment:

    • I was a computer operator, then I was computer tech, then I was a systems programmer, also had the title systems engineer at one point, then I was Technical Manager. Plus a few other computer related jobs all for large systems.


    • A project manager, a computer programmer and a computer operator are driving down the road when the car they are in gets a flat tire. The three men try to solve the problem.
      The project manager said: "Let's catch a cab and in ten minutes we'll reach our destination."

      The computer programmer said: "We have here the driver's guide. I can easily replace the flat tire and continue our drive."

      The computer operator said: "First of all, let's turn off the engine and turn it on again. Maybe it will fix the problem."

      Suddenly a Microsoft software engineer passed by and said: "Try to close all windows, get off the car, and then get in and try again."
     
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  16. dmr

    dmr Registered Abuser

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    That's the problem right there! {ducking, running, looking for a place to hide}
     
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  17. Breeze147

    Breeze147 Button Man

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    A guy finds his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in its mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house. He gives it a bath, blow dries its fur, and puts it back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.

    A few days later, the neighbor asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?"

    The guy stammers and says, "Um... no... what happened?"

    The neighbor replies, "We found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There are some real sick people out there!"
     
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  18. oghuman

    oghuman VIP Whale

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    • Murphy's Laws of Computing

      When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
      When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
      The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
      When the going gets tough, upgrade.
      For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
      He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
      A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
      The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
      A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.
     
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  19. topcard

    topcard Re-Open Vegas!

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    The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

    At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

    The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.

    But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

    Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since....
     
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  20. Breeze147

    Breeze147 Button Man

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    A fellow always wanted to own a pet skunk, so in the dead of winter, he took his girlfriend with him to go hunting for one.

    After a bit of waiting, they bagged a skunk and brought him back to the truck. The skunk was very scared and very cold, so the guy asks his girlfriend if she can keep the skunk between her legs to keep him warm.

    "But what about the smell?" asks his girlfriend.

    "Oh, he'll get used to it, just like I did."
     
    • Funny Funny x 1