1. Welcome to VegasMessageBoard
    It appears you are visiting our community as a guest.
    In order to view full-size images, participate in discussions, vote in polls, etc, you will need to Log in or Register.

Bad joke of the day

Discussion in 'Non-Vegas Chat' started by wormhole, Jul 14, 2016.

  1. Breeze147

    Breeze147 Button Man

    Joined:
    Aug 15, 2013
    Messages:
    10,939
    Location:
    Southern Maryland by way of Philadelphia
    Trips to Las Vegas:
    25
    This desperate guy named Jim goes to the whorehouse with 5$. He buys a the cheapest prostitute named Sandpaper Sally.

    As they start to have sex, Jim screams, "Ouch! Now I know why they call you Sandpaper Sally!"

    Sally scoots out of the room. Five minutes later she came back and Jim attempts sex once again.

    "What the hell happened?" asks Jim, "This is the best sex I''ve ever had!"

    Sally replies, "Oh, I just picked my scabs."
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
    • Wow! Wow! x 1
  2. ardee

    ardee It's only money.

    Joined:
    Oct 13, 2007
    Messages:
    9,969
    Location:
    SoCal
    Trips to Las Vegas:
    110
    jokedung.jpg
     
    • Funny Funny x 4
  3. Norman Chad

    Norman Chad Low-Roller

    Joined:
    May 3, 2019
    Messages:
    136
    Location:
    East Central IL
    Trips to Las Vegas:
    4
    Just threw up in my mouth a little...
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  4. FrontLineWinner

    FrontLineWinner Tourist

    Joined:
    Jun 17, 2019
    Messages:
    20
    Location:
    Kansas
    Trips to Las Vegas:
    4
    [​IMG]
     
    • Funny Funny x 4
  5. flyguyfl

    flyguyfl VIP Whale

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2014
    Messages:
    3,791
    Trips to Las Vegas:
    75
    dogtail.jpg
     
    • Funny Funny x 6
  6. Breeze147

    Breeze147 Button Man

    Joined:
    Aug 15, 2013
    Messages:
    10,939
    Location:
    Southern Maryland by way of Philadelphia
    Trips to Las Vegas:
    25
    A man decided to paint the toilet while his wife was away. His wife came home sooner than he expected, used the toilet, and got the seat stuck to her rear.

    Distraught, she asked her husband to unscrew the seat and drive her to the doctor.

    When they got to the doctor's office, the man lifted his wife's coat to show him their predicament. The man asked, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"

    "Well, yes," the doctor replied, "but never framed."
     
    • Funny Funny x 5
    • Like Like x 1
  7. Breeze147

    Breeze147 Button Man

    Joined:
    Aug 15, 2013
    Messages:
    10,939
    Location:
    Southern Maryland by way of Philadelphia
    Trips to Las Vegas:
    25
    A couple walked into the supermarket. They looked confused, so a clerk walked up to them and asked them what they wanted.

    The couple asked for a couple of lottery tickets. He gave the tickets to them, and they paid for them.

    The husband looked confused again. He asked the clerk, “What the hell do I do with these damn things?”

    The clerk replied, “Well, you're supposed to scratch the box and see if you've won anything.”

    The wife looked disgusted. “Oh please,” she muttered.

    “What?” asked the clerk. “Oh nothing,” she answered, “it's just that, well, he's been scratching down there for years, and he ain't won a damn thing.”
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  8. oghuman

    oghuman VIP Whale

    Joined:
    May 24, 2010
    Messages:
    2,532
    Location:
    NYC
    Trips to Las Vegas:
    43
    Fred had not been feeling well, so he went to his long time doctor.
    The doctor did some tests and walked back into the room.
    "Fred, I have some bad news for you, and I really don't know how to tell you. I've rerun all the tests and double checked the results. You are going to die of cancer. There is no cure for what you have. You have about 6 to 8 weeks to live."
    "Well Doc, I am glad you told me straight out though. Now I can get all my personal affairs in order."
    The doctor felt badly about Fred and the next day was at the gym when he heard two guys talking. "Did you hear about Fred?" "Yeah, I heard that he is dying of AIDS!"
    This really upset the doctor and he rushed over to a telephone to call Fred.
    "Hello Fred? Did you understand what I told you yesterday?"
    "Of course Doc. I am dying of cancer and have 6 to 8 weeks to live."
    "But I just heard two of your friends say you were dying of AIDS."
    "Yeah Doc, I know. You see, after I am gone, I don't want anyone screwing my wife!"
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  9. Breeze147

    Breeze147 Button Man

    Joined:
    Aug 15, 2013
    Messages:
    10,939
    Location:
    Southern Maryland by way of Philadelphia
    Trips to Las Vegas:
    25
    Q: What is the thing that you keep on looking for, but when you find it, you throw it away?

    A: A booger.
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  10. FrontLineWinner

    FrontLineWinner Tourist

    Joined:
    Jun 17, 2019
    Messages:
    20
    Location:
    Kansas
    Trips to Las Vegas:
    4
    [​IMG]

    They'll find you..and never stop calling
     
    • Funny Funny x 5
    • Like Like x 1
  11. GeorgeandTheBear

    GeorgeandTheBear High-Roller

    Joined:
    Jan 14, 2010
    Messages:
    907
    Location:
    Melon fields of southwestern Indiana
    Trips to Las Vegas:
    14
    The Earth rotating on its axis really makes my day...
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
    • Like Like x 1
  12. Norman Chad

    Norman Chad Low-Roller

    Joined:
    May 3, 2019
    Messages:
    136
    Location:
    East Central IL
    Trips to Las Vegas:
    4
    Oh man. This is going straight to the top of my dad joke bag.
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
    • Agree Agree x 1
  13. dmr

    dmr Registered Abuser

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2011
    Messages:
    14,423
    Location:
    Somewhere in Middle America
    Trips to Las Vegas:
    70
    Shoot! You beat me to it.

    From the Did You Know queue, as a good one for a Friday ...

    "As The World Turns" makes my day.
     
  14. Breeze147

    Breeze147 Button Man

    Joined:
    Aug 15, 2013
    Messages:
    10,939
    Location:
    Southern Maryland by way of Philadelphia
    Trips to Las Vegas:
    25
    On a senior citizens bus tour, while the passengers were unloading to do some sightseeing, one elderly lady stopped and whispered in the driver's ear.

    She said, ''Driver, I believe that I was sexually harassed!'' The driver didn't think much of her complaint, but promised he would check into it soon.

    Later, that same day, as the passengers were unloading again, a second little old lady bent down and whispered in his ear, ''Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!'' This time, he figured he'd better look into it.

    A few passengers had remained on the bus, and he decided to go back and question them, to find out if they knew what was going on.

    He found one little old man crawling along the bus floor beneath the seats and stooped down to question him. ''Excuse me sir, could I help you?''

    The elderly man looked up and said, ''Well, sonny you sure can. I've lost my toupee and I'm trying to find it..."

    The man continued, "I thought I'd located it twice, but they were parted in the middle, and mine is parted on the side!''
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
  15. ardee

    ardee It's only money.

    Joined:
    Oct 13, 2007
    Messages:
    9,969
    Location:
    SoCal
    Trips to Las Vegas:
    110
    brajoke.jpg
     
    • Funny Funny x 3
  16. oghuman

    oghuman VIP Whale

    Joined:
    May 24, 2010
    Messages:
    2,532
    Location:
    NYC
    Trips to Las Vegas:
    43

    • Once there were three men, Dave, John, and Sam, who were involved in a tragic car accident in which all three died. As they stood at the gates of heaven St. Peter came up to them and said, "You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly." St. Peter looked at Dave and said, "You, Dave, were a bad man. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat up Dodge." Next St. Peter looked at John and said, "You, were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota stationwagon." St. Peter finally looked at Sam, and said, "You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife! For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari." A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sam's Ferrari and there he is, sitting on the hood, head in hands, crying. "What's wrong, Sam?" they asked. "You got the Ferrari! You are set forever! Why so down?" Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth and cried, "I just saw my wife go by on a skate board."
     
    • Funny Funny x 4
  17. Breeze147

    Breeze147 Button Man

    Joined:
    Aug 15, 2013
    Messages:
    10,939
    Location:
    Southern Maryland by way of Philadelphia
    Trips to Las Vegas:
    25
    A teacher was telling her students about human anatomy in a sex education class. She took her pointer and pointed to the picture of a male and a female.

    "The female has two breasts and one vagina. The male has one penis."

    A little boy in the front row jumped up and said that the teacher was wrong.

    "My daddy has two penises. He has a short one that he pees with and a long one that he brushes Mommy's teeth with!"
     
    • Funny Funny x 3
  18. oghuman

    oghuman VIP Whale

    Joined:
    May 24, 2010
    Messages:
    2,532
    Location:
    NYC
    Trips to Las Vegas:
    43

    • After the annual office party blow-out, Colin woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
      After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

      "Louise," he moaned, "Tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

      "Even worse," she assured him, voice dripping with scorn.

      "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire senior management and insulted the Regional Director General to his face."

      "He's an a**hole. I should have pissed on him."

      "You did," Louise informed him. "And he fired you."

      "Well, screw him!" yelled Colin.

      "I did. You're back at work on Monday."
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
  19. queuetee

    queuetee VIP Whale

    Joined:
    Jul 12, 2008
    Messages:
    1,396
    Trips to Las Vegas:
    25
    Being a vegan is a big missed steak.
     
    • Funny Funny x 3
  20. GeorgeandTheBear

    GeorgeandTheBear High-Roller

    Joined:
    Jan 14, 2010
    Messages:
    907
    Location:
    Melon fields of southwestern Indiana
    Trips to Las Vegas:
    14
    They have worked side by side for over sixty years and have never spoken to one another...