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Bad joke of the day

Discussion in 'Non-Vegas Chat' started by wormhole, Jul 14, 2016.

  1. abraxis

    abraxis Low-Roller

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    Howcome smoky the bear doesn't have any children?







    Because every time his wife gets hot, he beats her with a shovel!
     
  2. dmr

    dmr Registered Abuser

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    Conversation on the subway ...

    "Uh, can you tell me how to get to Grand Central Station?"

    "Yeah, sure, just watch me and get off three stops before I do."

    :)
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
  3. wormhole

    wormhole VIP Whale

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    When in darkness or in doubt,
    run in circles scream and shout.
     
  4. Breeze147

    Breeze147 Button Man

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    A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!" -
     
    That 70's Breeze
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  5. wormhole

    wormhole VIP Whale

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    This joke was written from a woman's point of view:

    Sex is like snow. You never know how many inches your are going to get or how long it is going to last.
     
  6. dmr

    dmr Registered Abuser

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    On the street, man passing a woman pushing a large stroller ...

    He: Are they twins?
    She: No, she's an only child, who's your optometrist?

    (Why am I posting these?)
     
  7. rittermd

    rittermd Low-Roller

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    What do you get when a blond does a handstand - A brunette with bad breath
     
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  8. Big dan

    Big dan High-Roller

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  9. Breeze147

    Breeze147 Button Man

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    Q: What did the blonde say when she saw the sign for the YMCA?

    A: "Look, they spelled Macy's wrong!"
     
    That 70's Breeze
    • Like Like x 2
  10. zenvegas

    zenvegas Low-Roller

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    A grasshopper goes into a bar. The bartender says, "hey, we've got a drink named after you".
    The grasshopper says " You've got a drink named Roger"?
     
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  11. wormhole

    wormhole VIP Whale

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    What is the difference between a Harley Davidson motorcycle and a Hoover vacuum cleaner?

    The position of the dirt bag.
     
    • Like Like x 2
  12. SteveO

    SteveO Low-Roller

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    A very ratty looking string walks into a bar. The bartenders says "We don't serve strings in here. Are you a string?"

    The string replies "I'm afraid not" >>>>> "a frayed knot" just in case.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  13. Crambone

    Crambone Froggy went a riding he went a courtin'

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    A drunk on the bus sits behind the driver for a spell. To many of the girls that get on the driver mumbles "tickle your ass with a feather?" to them. Never hearing that correctly the girls exclaim "EXCUSE ME?" to which the driver says plainly "particularly nice weather". The girls shuffle on dumbfounded and leery. Soon the bus driver gives up so the drunk takes a stab at it. To the next embarking girl he proudly says "stick a feather up your ass lady?" The gal stops, and the drunk seeing her astonishment, replies "think it's gonna rain?"
     
    Last edited: Sep 21, 2016
  14. Richard Alpert

    Richard Alpert LOST

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    I'm going in for a follow-up exam tomorrow. I've been asked to provide a stool sample. So, here it is...
    sample.jpg

    I am left with two lingering questions:
    1. Who is so unfamiliar with backless, casual seats that they need to see an example?
    2. Why is my dentist asking for this?

    RICHARD
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
    • Informative Informative x 1
  15. flyguyfl

    flyguyfl VIP Whale

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    A waist is a terrible thing to mind!
     
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  16. Richard Alpert

    Richard Alpert LOST

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    My dyslexic mentor always told me that!
     
  17. The Stig

    The Stig VIP Whale

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    This sounds like a two Ronnies sketch from many years ago. It starts from 4 mins on this clip.

     
  18. eaglejohn

    eaglejohn VIP Whale

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    confusius says: Woman marries man thinking he will change. And he never does.
    Man marries woman thinking she won't change. And she always does.
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  19. dmr

    dmr Registered Abuser

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    A mindf*ck is a terrible thing to waste!
     
  20. Richard Alpert

    Richard Alpert LOST

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    What did one snowman say to another snowman?

    "Do you smell carrots?"