Discussion in 'Non-Vegas Chat' started by wormhole, Jul 14, 2016.
My pet mouse Elvis has just died
He was "caught in a trap".
The doctor told me I had Tom Jones disease.
"Never heard of it, Doc. Is it a rare condition???" I asked.
"It's not unusual."
A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane.
The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
What do the Starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?
They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons.
I keep an orthodontist on retainer.
This joke is supposed to be told by a guy, but I thought it's so hilarious, I don't want to withhold it from you:
My German girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performances on a scale of 1-10.
Last night we tried anal. She kept yelling 9. That's the best I've ever done.
Read that one twice and LOL the second time as it sank in.
Lots of good stuff in this thread.
Why did the tomato blush?
He saw the salad dressing.
Sam Adams's home in Revolutionary War Boston was a hotbed of Patriot intrigue. The British sent spies to try to overhear the Patriot plans. One entered the chicken house by mistake and the chickens began to shriek. Sam's Chinese cook came out...."Ah chicken cacciatore..."
Why did the chef quit?
They cut his celery.
Why did the lifeguards make the elephants leave the swimming pool??
...They wouldn't keep their trunks up.
I would tell you the joke about the ceiling, but it is over your head.
Mickey mouse divorcing Minnie mouse on the grounds that...
She was fucking Goofy
A man man wakes up one day feeling in the mood. His wife wants no part of it and tells him to go fly a kite.
The man takes it literally and builds a kite in the garage. He takes it outside and cannot get it to fly. It wobbles and crashes over and over.
The wife comes out to watch him.
She yells to him "Hey, I think you need a little tail."
He yells back "I told you that this morning and you told me to go fly a kite."
I'd tell you the one about the bed....but it hasn't been made up yet.
Or maybe the one about the fence....but you couldn't get over it.
And finally, I'd tell you the one about the pencil....but it's pointless.
A man was recently arrested in England. He was apprehended with calculator, protractor, and compass in hand. He was accused of being a member of Al Gebra bearing weapons of math instruction.
Christ, that's really terrible. I mean, that truly endeavors to be appalling. I think you "win".
Two hydrogen atoms meet.
One says, 'I've lost my electron.'
The other says, 'Are you sure?'
The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
Pulling up an old joke thread as I thought this one would be fun for this board...
QUEEN Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity". The Angel thanks Dolly and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, and drinks it down. Then, pees into a toilet and pulls the lever. The Angel says, "ok, your Majesty, you may go in". Dolly is outraged and asked,"What was that all about, I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She pees into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me"? "Sorry, Dolly says the Angel, but even in Heaven A Royal Flush Beats a Pair No Matter How Big They Are"
That last one wow never heard that one before but I sure do believe Dolly's cleavage is one of the best sights to behold in this world.
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