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Bad joke of the day

Discussion in 'Non-Vegas Chat' started by wormhole, Jul 14, 2016.

  1. gs32794

    gs32794 VIP Whale

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    I just started a boat business in my attic.
    The sails are through the roof!
     
    • Funny Funny x 4
    • Like Like x 1
  2. progrocker2112

    progrocker2112 Watch out for this guy

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    I was talking to a piece of rope this morning. Personally I thought he was more like some string, perhaps twine but it made him feel good to say he was rope so I let him go with it. Turns out the rope had had a terrible life. He just kept pouring his heart out. He was an orphan. He was in about fifty foster homes, half of which he was abused in. By the time he was a teen he was rendered to group homes in which the other ropes bullied him relentlessly. Of course they kicked him out at age 18 to fend for himself. He managed to stay afloat for a while doing odd labor jobs, but by then depression had set in and he became an alcoholic. Eventually beer wasn't good enough so he was drinking pints of vodka. Pints because fifths, fifths became handles. Alcoholism turned into drug abuse. He said he had been in and out of state sponsored rehab more times than he could count. And here he was this morning, asking me for a quarter, probably to go get his next fix. I felt sorry for this rope, and I said to him,
    "Isn't there anything I can do to help you get straightened out?"
    He just shook his head with a somber look and replied,
    "I'm a frayed knot."
     
    Wherever you go, there you are
    • Funny Funny x 1
  3. flyguyfl

    flyguyfl VIP Whale

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    meds.jpg
     
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  4. loonytoony

    loonytoony VIP Whale

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    An old man and an old woman went on a vacation to Las Vegas every year

    Each time as they walked past the helicopter rides the woman would say to the man "please please please take me on a helicopter ride!"

    Every year the old man inquired about the cost of ride. Every year $100 was the response from the operator.

    Being a frugal old man he would look over at his aging wife and say "I would take you up honey but you know - $100 is $100."

    This took place year after year after year. The operator got to know the frugal old couple and felt sorry for the little old lady.

    One year he finally said "I tell ya what - I'll make you a deal. I'll take you up for free as long as you don't make a single sound. If you shriek or scream or even gasp then you pay me $100."

    They had a deal and the frugal old couple was sure they were about to get a free helicopter ride.

    Once in the operator pulled out all the stops. He dove and ducked and dodged the clouds. He pulled the craziest maneuvers known to helicopter enthusiasts. Rolls and loops and stops and gos. Not a sound from the back.

    Finally he gave up and landed the helicopter. He looked back at the little old lady and proclaimed "I thought for sure I had you! I can't believe you didn't make a single sound!"

    The little old lady, white as a ghost, looked up and said "Well, to tell you the truth, I was going to say something when my husband fell out, but you know, $100 is $100."
     
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  5. Breeze147

    Breeze147 Button Man

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  6. flyguyfl

    flyguyfl VIP Whale

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    Breeze made me post this.

    womenparking.jpg
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
  7. jamesxnj

    jamesxnj VIP Whale

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    Jeanette and her husband Terry went for
    counseling after 45 years of marriage.
    When asked what the problem was, Jeanette
    went into a passionate, painful tirade listing
    every problem they had ever had in the 45
    years they had been married.

    She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of
    intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling
    unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list
    of unmet needs she had endured over the
    course of their marriage.

    Finally, after allowing this to go on for a
    sufficient length of time, the therapist got
    up, walked around the desk and after
    asking Jeanette to stand, embraced her,
    unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his
    hands on her breasts and massaged them
    thoroughly, while kissing her passionately
    as her husband Terry watched with a raised
    eyebrow!

    Jeanette shut up, buttoned up her blouse,
    and quietly sat down while basking in the
    glow of being highly aroused.

    The therapist turned to Terry and said, 'This
    is what your wife needs at least three times
    a week. Can you do this?'

    Terry thought for a moment and replied,
    'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays
    and Wednesdays, but on Fridays,
    I play golf.
     
    • Funny Funny x 4
  8. Ten_On_The_End

    Ten_On_The_End High-Roller

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    Husband: "Our neighbor died last night"
    Wife: Who, Ray ??
    Husband: "I don't think cheering is appropriate at a time like this"
     
    • Funny Funny x 7
  9. flyguyfl

    flyguyfl VIP Whale

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    diningout.jpg
     
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  10. EastCoastVegasFan!

    EastCoastVegasFan! VIP Whale

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    August 20th - August 23rd
    December 30th - January 3rd - NYE!
    • Funny Funny x 2
  11. flyguyfl

    flyguyfl VIP Whale

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    I wish Coronavirus could’ve started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
     
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  12. bubbakitty

    bubbakitty Doing retirement again and happily so....

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    958DD491-A979-433A-B89A-F18311E1C721.jpeg
     
    At last, and finally it's close.
    • Funny Funny x 6
  13. loonytoony

    loonytoony VIP Whale

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    So a dyslexic walks into a bra
     
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  14. bubbakitty

    bubbakitty Doing retirement again and happily so....

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    I’m not gettin’ it. Maybe this is why.....:rolleyes:
    CD10D703-6D3C-4864-948D-81EE3C1F6193.jpeg
     
    At last, and finally it's close.
    • Funny Funny x 2
  15. gs32794

    gs32794 VIP Whale

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    I'm not an attorney, but if Covid-19 has forced you to wear a mask and glasses at the same time, you may be entitled to condensation.
     
    Last edited: Jul 1, 2020
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  16. flyguyfl

    flyguyfl VIP Whale

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    utah.jpg
     
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  17. Big dan

    Big dan High-Roller

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    Not everyone from Utah has families that look like that!
     
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  18. Big dan

    Big dan High-Roller

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    Some of us only have 3 wives!
     
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  19. flyguyfl

    flyguyfl VIP Whale

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    Unemployment Application Job Title: Burglar…Reason for lay-off: everyone is home
     
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  20. gs32794

    gs32794 VIP Whale

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    I'm reading an awesome book about anti-gravity; I just can't put it down.
     
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