Discussion in 'Non-Vegas Chat' started by wormhole, Jul 14, 2016.
I just started a boat business in my attic.
The sails are through the roof!
I was talking to a piece of rope this morning. Personally I thought he was more like some string, perhaps twine but it made him feel good to say he was rope so I let him go with it. Turns out the rope had had a terrible life. He just kept pouring his heart out. He was an orphan. He was in about fifty foster homes, half of which he was abused in. By the time he was a teen he was rendered to group homes in which the other ropes bullied him relentlessly. Of course they kicked him out at age 18 to fend for himself. He managed to stay afloat for a while doing odd labor jobs, but by then depression had set in and he became an alcoholic. Eventually beer wasn't good enough so he was drinking pints of vodka. Pints because fifths, fifths became handles. Alcoholism turned into drug abuse. He said he had been in and out of state sponsored rehab more times than he could count. And here he was this morning, asking me for a quarter, probably to go get his next fix. I felt sorry for this rope, and I said to him,
"Isn't there anything I can do to help you get straightened out?"
He just shook his head with a somber look and replied,
"I'm a frayed knot."
An old man and an old woman went on a vacation to Las Vegas every year
Each time as they walked past the helicopter rides the woman would say to the man "please please please take me on a helicopter ride!"
Every year the old man inquired about the cost of ride. Every year $100 was the response from the operator.
Being a frugal old man he would look over at his aging wife and say "I would take you up honey but you know - $100 is $100."
This took place year after year after year. The operator got to know the frugal old couple and felt sorry for the little old lady.
One year he finally said "I tell ya what - I'll make you a deal. I'll take you up for free as long as you don't make a single sound. If you shriek or scream or even gasp then you pay me $100."
They had a deal and the frugal old couple was sure they were about to get a free helicopter ride.
Once in the operator pulled out all the stops. He dove and ducked and dodged the clouds. He pulled the craziest maneuvers known to helicopter enthusiasts. Rolls and loops and stops and gos. Not a sound from the back.
Finally he gave up and landed the helicopter. He looked back at the little old lady and proclaimed "I thought for sure I had you! I can't believe you didn't make a single sound!"
The little old lady, white as a ghost, looked up and said "Well, to tell you the truth, I was going to say something when my husband fell out, but you know, $100 is $100."
Breeze made me post this.
Jeanette and her husband Terry went for
counseling after 45 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, Jeanette
went into a passionate, painful tirade listing
every problem they had ever had in the 45
years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of
intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling
unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list
of unmet needs she had endured over the
course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a
sufficient length of time, the therapist got
up, walked around the desk and after
asking Jeanette to stand, embraced her,
unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his
hands on her breasts and massaged them
thoroughly, while kissing her passionately
as her husband Terry watched with a raised
Jeanette shut up, buttoned up her blouse,
and quietly sat down while basking in the
glow of being highly aroused.
The therapist turned to Terry and said, 'This
is what your wife needs at least three times
a week. Can you do this?'
Terry thought for a moment and replied,
'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays
and Wednesdays, but on Fridays,
I play golf.
Husband: "Our neighbor died last night"
Wife: Who, Ray ??
Husband: "I don't think cheering is appropriate at a time like this"
I wish Coronavirus could’ve started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
So a dyslexic walks into a bra
I’m not gettin’ it. Maybe this is why.....
I'm not an attorney, but if Covid-19 has forced you to wear a mask and glasses at the same time, you may be entitled to condensation.
Not everyone from Utah has families that look like that!
Some of us only have 3 wives!
Unemployment Application Job Title: Burglar…Reason for lay-off: everyone is home
I'm reading an awesome book about anti-gravity; I just can't put it down.
Separate names with a comma.