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A Little Chuckle

Discussion in 'Non-Vegas Chat' started by Dans Lady, Feb 27, 2013.

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  1. Someone

    Someone High-Roller

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    Elmo and Betty had just gotten married and decided to get some relationship advice to get things started off well

    they listen to the advice of the instructor and he says that a man needs to know his wife's favorite things and he says a good one to know is her favorite flower "guys do you know your wife's favorite flower?"

    Elmo nudges Betty and says "it is Gold Medal All Purpose isn't it?"
     
  2. gambler

    gambler VIP Whale

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    I love my husband dearly but this one made me laugh!
     

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  3. JWBlue

    JWBlue VIP Whale

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    What is the medical procedure to transform a woman into a man?

    A: An adedectomy
     
  4. Someone

    Someone High-Roller

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    DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.


    The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish . . . . On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"


    The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.


    A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull . . . . . .


    With every step the bull is gaining ground on the

    officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored

    before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly

    terrified.

    The rancher runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs . . . . .

    "Your Badge, show him your Badge!"
     
  5. DonD

    DonD Super Moderator

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    An angry man walked into his local bar, waving a revolver and yells

    "Who in here has been screwing my wife?”





    A voice from a booth in the back replies....



    “You’re gonna need more ammo!"
     
  6. crussader

    crussader Low-Roller

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    A couple was having a party to celebrate their 60th wedding anniversary. All the guests were remarking about how amazing it was that the couple had gotten along so well for all those years. Nobody had ever seen them have even the slightest quarrel. What was the secret you ask?

    At the time of their marriage, horse and wagon was the primary mode of transportation. As they were leaving the church, one of the horses stumbled. The groom announced, "That's one." A little further down the road, the same horse stumbled again. "That's two" said the groom. A short while later the horse stumbled one last time. "THAT'S THREE!" shouted the groom as he hopped out of the wagon and grabbed a 2x4 from the back. He proceeded to beat the horse senseless.

    The bride was outraged. As the groom got back in the wagon, she delivered a long, impassioned speech about how despicable her husband's actions had been. As for the groom, he sat quietly and patiently waiting for her to finish. Once she had, he turned to her and calmly said, "That's one."...
     
    Last edited: Jun 26, 2013
  7. gotavegasjones

    gotavegasjones VIP Whale

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    Where's Shecky when you need him?

    When a woman steals your husband there is no better revenge than letting her keep him.

    The trouble with some women is that they get all exited about nothing. And, then marry him.

    Get a new car for your spouse. It is a good trade.

    You know it is an awful day when your blind date turns out to be your ex.

    Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

    My friend divorced recently over religious differences with his wife. He thought he was God. She did not.

    later, GVJ
     
  8. Joe

    Joe VIP Whale

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    A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

    The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness."

    Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway.

    You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

    The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis.
    They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

    The man perks up.

    "So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want.

    But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife.

    If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out.

    If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed.

    It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

    The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

    The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

    "Yes I have," says the man. "And has she helped you make a decision?"

    Yes" says the man.

    What is your decision?" asks the doctor

    We're getting granite counter tops!
     
  9. Someone

    Someone High-Roller

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    A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco . When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Temple to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

    The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

    The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

    While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunk cowboy from Denton, Texas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

    The drunk replied, you might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test!
     
  10. chitownjohn

    chitownjohn High-Roller

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    Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

    She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

    The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.

    I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children.

    So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

    She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

    Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

    I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
     
  11. freddywill

    freddywill Low-Roller

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    cop joke

    I'm sure you heard this one before but its still funny.......


    A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
    The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
    "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
     
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