5/02-5/06: The most epic weekend of my life

I am going to need at least a week to recover from this weekend. Wow.

So let me preface by saying that I do not consider myself attractive. I'm 5'8" and have a little chub on me lol. I compensate for this by hanging out with friends much more attractive than I am. So a few months ago I asked two friends from college (both more than 6 ft tall, better looking, and much more successful with the ladies than I) if they wanted to do a weekend in Vegas. Now any given weekend in Vegas with 20-something kids is going to be fun - but since college, when the three of us are together, we always go crazy...and in Vegas I would've given us a 50/50 chance of getting arrested or something.

Anyway...we're all in different cities so I got in on Friday afternoon. Checked into the 34th floor strip view condo and went straight to the Venetian poker room...within an hour I was down $200. Doh. So I walk down to Denny's and do a little people watching. The one thing I remember from my trip 12 years ago was the ridiculous amount of hooker advertisements being handed out all over the place - looking out the window at Denny's...I realized it hasn't changed at all.

Headed back to the condo around 8pm, got spiffy and headed to the MGM Grand poker room...bet $10 on red at roulette...lost. Went to the poker room...met some cool kids...but lost about $20. So now (in the first 5 hours of my trip) I'm down about $230. Yikes.

I meet my buddies at the condo where I have some tequila shots on tap...we down several and head to Tao at the Venetian. Three guys getting into clubs is not so easy...but this is where the two 6' good looking friends come into play. They immediately find three cougars in line who let us walk in with them...sweet. Tao very appropriately fits into the fake glitz/glamour theme of Vegas...two essentially nude models in tubs covered in rose petals greet you at the entrance...with multiple sets of nude models groping each other and dancing inside.

I do a quick run through and within 10 minutes I find one of my buddies chatting up some girls at the bar. Seriously I don't know how he does it. Within another 10 minutes they've invited us back to their hotel, the Monte Carlo (yes, serious). We go drink some of their alcohol and then they come across the street to our place...now we're basically thinking that barring some natural disaster, we're going to seal the deal with these chicks. They even suggested we all go to the strip club together but we wanted to keep them in the room...well maybe we got a bit too cocky and they ended up leaving after half an hour. Oh well...so we say fuk it and decide to go to Spearmint Rhino anyway. LOL.

Within 10 minutes I'm getting a lap dance from two asian girls while one of my buddies is paying $200 for some oral satisfaction in their back room (yes, serious) I decide to blow $100 on a back room dance (without the whole hooker business) and I get the most liberal lap dance of my life...girl says I can touch wherever I want except the you-know-what...afterwards she offers to come to my hotel with her friend for $1000...yeah right...

So now it's about 5 am and we're wide awake...so we head back to the Venetian poker room...within an hour I am down another $20 and my buddy is up $500. DAMN! I tell him to quit while he's ahead (and to pay for the cab, lol) We leave the Venetian with the sun well up and go back to the pad to crash.

It's now Saturday around 11am...we've had 4 hours of sleep at most but we're running on adrenaline (but still very hung over) so we head to the Bellagio cafe for a nice breakfast...my buddy who had one $500 4 hours earlier gladly offered to pay, lol. Afterwards we headed to the Sports Book to put some money down on the Kentucky Derby...I bet $5 each on the four horses with the worst odds of winning (hence best payouts) and $10 on the favorite - Big Brown. We still had a couple hours to kill before the race so we headed to the Wynn poker room and put our names down on the $1-3 NL list. While waiting we went next door to the bar and watched my horse win! So in total now, I'm down $250 in poker...and up $4 on the derby (lost $20 on 4 horses, won $24 on Big Brown lol)

Played some poker at the Wynn where I stayed about even but my friend (who had won $500 that morning) ended up losing $200 (the always inevitable result, right)...we finish around 7 pm and head back home to get ready for our dinner reservations at Nove at the Palms. We get there and have the coolest waiter I've ever had...a.) he looked like a pirate and b.) he practically knew more about food and wine than Emeril. Dinner with wine for the three of us was a reasonable $250 after tip...after which we payed the $30 cover and headed up the escalator to the Playboy Club. Stunning views, ridiculous limit blackjack tables (minimum bet at any table was $100 I believe) and of course plenty of stand-offish bunnies. We nursed a drink for a bit and headed up yet another escalator to the Moon club on the top floor of the hotel...where the real action was. My buddies found some more cougars with bottle service who let us join them while I found this Tera Patrick lookalike on the dance floor who basically screwed me with her clothes on. I've never grinded with anyone that hard in my life. Still reeling from it lol.

Moon was overall quite amazing...smokin hot gogo dancers, bass that makes your chest vibrate, a sweet retractable roof and outdoor patio, and just overall awesome atmosphere. Highly recommend this one.

Now it's about 3 or 4 am again and we decide to head to the Mirage poker room. This is where the luck changed. After two hours of play I was up between $250-300 and my $500 Venetian buddy was down another $200. So now we're both basically even again in terms of our gambling wins/losses. I of course pay for the cab back at 7 am and we make a quick stop to Spearmint again where I had left my camera the night before...which gives us the temptation to get a nice "rub-and-tug" as Johnny Chase and Turtle so eloquently put it for all you Entourage fans. The cabbie says he knows exactly where to take us and unfortunately that meant taking us to this place with the sketchiest asian girls I've ever seen...so I say no thanks and we get the hell out of there...finally getting home at 8 am.

Four hours later we're up and on our way to the Wynn Sunday Champagne Brunch. The line is an hour long and we're almost contemplating not waiting when four girls (two very hot, one a 7, and one kinda ugly lol) come up right behind us. So we spend the hour in line getting to know them very well...and these girls are AWESOME. They were from Mexico and in town for just one more night...they were totally eating us up...even laughing at things I was saying...so we get two tables next to each other and down some mimosas while taking a bunch of pictures and having some good laughs (while most certainly annoying the poor patrons around us...4 hours of sleep 2 nights in a row and an obscene amount of alcohol will incite that)...we exchange phone numbers and plan to meet up later in the evening. Sweeeet.

We head home, change into our swim trunks...and make our way to the infamous Rehab pool party at the Hard Rock. Now before you yell at us for being idiots...we know we're idiots. We didn't get on any lists before hand so we ended up paying the full $75 cover....as shitty as that is...it was most definitely worth it. More fake boobs than I've ever seen in my entire life. It was three hours of full on eye-candy...and even a bit more (definitely some x-rated stuff going on in the pool lol)

So we're chilling on pool chairs drinking our $22 vodka-cranberries when this dude who is obviously high on something comes up to our chairs and starts throwing around peoples towels and cell phones and getting pissed because he can't find his sweatshirt or something. On top of it, while he was turned around (because he was pissing everyone around us off) I tossed an ice cube at him which plunked him right in the head...lol...which pissed him off even more because he had absolutely no idea who did it or even which direction it came from. Finally about 8 security guards come up and forcibly escort him off the premises...quite an entertainment. I should also mention that we ran into those girls from night 1 (from the Monte Carlo who came back to our place) at the pool and one of them thought I was her janitor! Yikes. Whatever...they had found some sugar daddies with an $8,000 a day cabana to take care of them it looked like...and they weren't even hot in daylight compared to 90% of the other girls there (or the girls we had met earlier at the Wynn.)

We head back to the Wynn poker room for a few hours where I proceed to lose $200 again...so I call it quits (but not before making one last $30 roulette bet on black...which won )

Now understandably we are completely drained of energy at this point...but we have to meet those girls from the morning...so we take a few "Bad Larrys" (Corona + Bacardi Limon) and head back to the Body English club at the Hard Rock. The girls text us telling us they're inside...except we're 3 dudes in a huge line at midnight trying to get in...not happening. So we say fuk it and go up to the bouncer and ask how much to get us in...he says $150 on top of cover ($30 each) so we end up paying $80 each to get in...also shitty but ending up being definitely worth it.

We immediately find the girls waiting inside...looking very hot and very drunk...perfect. We each pick one we like (leaving that ugly one to fend for herself...I feel kinda bad) and luckily for me both my friends were much more wasted than I was and left the hottest one to me...so we're all dancing and drinking and having a fantastic time when they remind us that their flight home is at 6 am (it's already 2 am) so they have to leave in like an hour...I am fully convinced that if that wasn't the case we all would've gotten laid that night. Bummer. Regardless, as they're about to leave, I and one of my buddies (who has had a girlfriend of five years) end up making out with our new female friends like the plane was going down...turns out my cheating friend was making out with a girl about to get married in four months...how appropriate lol. Seriously though...these girls were really, really cool and I actually plan on keeping in contact with them (we exchanged e-mail addresses on Body English napkins )

We stayed at the club for a little while longer and saw some famous rapper who looked like either Twista or Timbaland perform, until we got kicked out of some private area we were apparently in. We made one last trip to the Venetian where I ended up falling asleep in the middle of a hand at 5 am and so we called it quits after less than an hour.

Now one of my friends had his flight out on Monday morning at 10am...well at 8:45 am he was still in bed...without a care in the world. Somehow he still made his flight...I have no idea how. Monday was recovery for my other friend and I...we ordered pizza, watched some movies...and prepared for my hooker appointment at night.

Yes, I guess I forgot to mention that I had arranged for a hooker to come over on my last night, as sort of a culmination of the trip lol. She called at 4 to confirm and said she'd call around 9 to tell me what she'd be wearing so I could find her downstairs...my buddy leaves around 8 for his evening flight and I get myself ready...when I get the call asking if she can reschedule. NO!!! I tell her it's impossible since my flight home is in the morning and so she says maybe she can do 3 am...so she says she'll text me and keep me updated but that was the last I heard from her. Oh well. (I've never seen a hooker before but I figured while in Vegas...why not? maybe it was a sign)

Morning came...I felt like complete death and I'm sure it showed. Got to the airport, lost $6 on those tight slots, and called it a weekend.

Until next year...

 

That was very interesting to read . . . . and I also learned something new:

I never realized that hookers "cancelled" appointments. It sounds like you're going to need a while to recover from that trip! Only in Vegas could you have that much fun!

 

hahaha awesome. Nice Entourage referance. That's my favorite show ever.

 

hells yeah! sounds like a great trip!

 

Dissed by a hooker. Nice.:evillaugh

 

I found that very entertaining.

I wonder if you're the first person to ever go to Vegas hoping to, but not getting laid...

HA...J/K!

Sounds like you had a good time.

BTW.. even after being married for 26 years, there's no guarantee I'll be getting laid in Vegas this year either.

 

Good one!

 

Negged!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Wow, there was only one hooker available in Las Vegas that night? :evillaugh

 

Very interesting report and extremely entertaining. If this is true, and this were me, I would be in some inpatient facility somewhere waiting on a liver transplant.....quite impressive and a great read! Thanks for posting.

 

Quite the adventure you had. Having a hooker cancel on you; maybe, you would have been better off taking up those two strippers on their offer

 

Fun stuff L ..thanks.

 

I thouroughly enjoyed your trip report. There were a couple of very informative passages. Glad you had a good time. I assume that you had your last appointment scheduled through something like the Erotic Review. If that happens again, (and sometimes a higher paying opportunity does cause rescheduling) just spend a few hours at one of the higher end video poker bars around 2 AM. You can do all your appraisals and negotiations in person. (or so I have heard)

 

Dude...

Who sets an appointment to see a hooker? As the old saying goes... You're doin' it wrong!

And I don't know how epic the weekend could be if you didn't get any lovin'. Maybe you should've investigated your options with the local cougar population--one of the best things about being in Vegas!

Mikey :evillaugh

 

thanks for all the comments! and for the record...yes I agree it's kinda pathetic that technically I couldn't even get a hooker to have sex with me lol

thanks for the tip! I'll keep that in mind next year

TONS of people. We're not talking streetwalker-types here. Think Eliot Spitzer lol.

 

WHOA! Hooker scheduling? I can see it now....

"I can fit you in between 3:00 and 3:30 but no later, I have a a panel of Japanese businessmen who I cannot keep waiting at 4AM."

"I only work on Mon, Wed, Fri and Sat on the even number weekends. The opposite on the following. I don't like it either but that's what happens when you get a union involved."

"What's that? You're south of the Flamingo? Let me refer you to another one of our chapters."

The oppurtunity for comedy has yet to be tapped on this subject.

 

Thanks for a great read. My matchplay and 2 for 1 coupon runs will never seem quite as exciting to me again.

 

My. Favorite. Report. Ever. clap:

(Made me go back and look for some of my old reports. lionel, You may appreciate this report. Check for Day One and Two reports. Man, I miss the guy trips I used to take.)

 

Dude, you guys spend more in cover charges then I do on meals. Sounds like a fun trip (except for the no nut bust thingy.).

 

Loved it! I like when you said those girls were "very hot and very drunk...perfect" that was the funniest shit I've ever read!!!

I miss my girl trips to Vegas. Glad you had fun at Rehab, I didn't realize the cover was that expensive! It is worth it, if one has never gone there. Thanks for sharing...will there be a bachelor party for your friend, or was this kinda like his bachelor party?