A Squidward Trip Report - Semper in merda sumus; altitudo solum variat!!!

Day 1 – Party Hard!

OK let’s start with a little Latin! Why… hell if I know? It means “We are always in sh!t, only the depth varies”. Well my poor Latin translation anyway. See Sister Clara… I was sort of listening in Latin class!

Enough of that… lets get going.

I was originally scheduled to attend an IT conference in early May… life interfered and I had to cancel this trip. I rescheduled for late May for an alternative telecommunications convention for late May.

I announced my decision to Ms. Squid and she said please go… you need a break… and is this tax deductible, right… your company going to pay for it, right? I answered in the affirmative and she blessed another tax deductible “monkey” business trip for me. Then she reminded me to “take it easy”…”you have been under a lot of stress lately”… somehow I forgot that part of the conversation until I got home?

I was attending the CTIA Convention (Cellular Telecommunications Industry Association) at the Sands Convention Center. Got my conference passes and called MSS reservation. I had 3 nights comped and asked for 4… no problem! Then I checked on airfare… Sh!t!

I was not going to fly Spirit or Frontier… they were no cheaper than SWA or United on the days I wanted to fly. I chose SWA because the airport is closer to my home than United (Houston has two major airports.) I paid through the nose… $375 with early bird confirmations? At least I had a vendor pay for my conference passes and I had Ms. Squid’s approval (she is an Officer/Director of my little corporate empire.)

I arrived at Houston Hobby airport at 4:45 am for a 6:00 am flight. Checked my bags and was through security by 5:15… got a cup of coffee, checked email, and was on the very crowded flight at 5:45. Got an exit row window seat (SWA first class)… love those early boarding passes.

We touched down in Vegas a little after 7:00 am (Vegas time). My bags were at the carrousel by the time I got there… how do they do that? OK, I stopped to take a tinkle and get another cup of coffee… but still it is amazing how SWA can do this!

Grabbed my bag and took the escalator down to level 0, then caught the WAX to downtown and was standing in front of Walgreen’s before 8:00 am! My first impulse was to go to Dunkin Doughnuts at the Freemont for another cup of coffee, but when I walked in there was a sign that said $2.00 Heinekens! So yes once again I was drinking a little after 8:00 am in Vegas?

Sat at the Fremont’s Casino Bar with my bag between my legs… now this is not a dirty comment… well until now… and had a couple of Heineken’s. I even tipped 2 bucks a beer to make up all the times I stiffed the bartenders here in the past.

I did not even dare to play V/P here because the pay tables suck at the Freemont bars. So I grabbed a third Heineken and headed through Binion’s… through the Cal and was standing in front of the desk clerk at MSS at 8:30ish. I was assigned room 1514, double queen overlooking the freeway. Awesome clean room and the maids on the 15th floor know me by name on this floor (yes, I tip… and I always mention them on the guest survey when I get home.) I would guess it is challenging to get this kind of service in an anonymous fancy-smancy hotel on the strip!

So I grab a sixer of Heineken at the gift shop (using my sapphire card for a discount) and go upstairs to unpack and have a beer. I was at the MSS bar before 9:00 am!

I quietly sat down at seat number two… bartender looked over and our conversation was like this:

Bartender – “You here for another convention?”

Me - Yep

Bartender – “Pale Ale?”

Me - Nope

Bartender – “Heineken?”

Me - Nope

Bartender – “Coffee?”

Me - Nope

Bartender – “J&B and Soda?”

Me – Yes Sir!

Bartender – “Party Hard!”

And that’s just what I did, well if you can call playing .25 V/P at the MSS bar and drinking scotch till noon Partying Hard?

And yes dear readers one can loose 200 bucks playing .25 V/P at the MSS bar while drinking scotch and soda’s before noon… Sh!t!!!

I went to the Triple 7 and had an incredible bowl of chili with a Pepsi (because MSS don’t have no Coca-Cola.) Then decided to try to do something different… well different than loosing at V/P anyway?

So I went up the escalator to the overhead over to the Cal. My semi-drunk behind decided to stop at the Ice cream shop and I loudly ordered a “grape” milk shake. I was told that there was no such thing as a grape milk shake? WTF… why not? I tried to argue the point a grape milk shake would be great! Geez… I have not been here 6 hours and I have already pissed off some nice lady? The poor woman made me a chocolate milkshake and promised me that I would love it… well it was OK, but it did not go with my beer and scotch and chili… I have a discerning pallet?

I went downstairs at the Cal and crossed the street to the Las Vegas Club… walked strait through to Freemont Street bcause I did not want a 50 cent Hamm’s (and yes it still smells like a fart in there.) Decided to go to the 4 Queens Chicago Brewing as I have never-ever been there. I don’t know why, but I ordered an IPA at the bar while playing $1.00 DDB V/P? Tasted like a typical over-hoppy-craft-beer-cold-glass-of-spit. Again my discerning pallet rejected this selection. The bartender was a little pissy at my objection to the taste but then noticed I was playing at the dollar level and he replaced my beer with a J&B and soda. I sat there and lost another $200… Sh!t!

Have you ever been almost David Hassellhof drunk at 3:00 pm walking around on Fremont Street… well now I have…? Sh!t!

Remember what did Ms. Squid told me… “Take it easy.” What I was now hearing was “Party Hard!” I should really listen to Ms. Squid more?

Stumble into the Cal for a little .25 DDB at the San Francisco Pub with a few J&B and sodas. I caught up with the bartenders and waitresses there. That’s what I love about down-town… the staff always remember me (and my past antics.) Well that and I tip well?

Now it was close to 5:00 pm and I was really getting dangerously close to David Hassellhof drunk? By the way, I have been told that I look like him too (the older Hoff, not the young buff Hoff)… my demeanor was starting the get ugly… in a sort of handsome way?

So I walked back over to Binion’s, got a burger/fries/soda to go. Somehow made it back to my room to reenact the Hoff’s famous cheeseburger scene (Fact: the original Hoff/cheeseburger video was recorded in Vegas too?)

​

Party hard like the Hoff! Well that and I went to bed before the sun went down… I’m so embarrassed?


Up next:

Visit the Palazzo and Wynn for the first time ever!

Visit the Sands Convention Center for the first time ever!

Get kicked out of the Golden Nugget again?

Made a date with a Little Ole’ Hawaiian Lady? (Don’t tell Ms. Squid!)

Oh yea, I took pictures… but not on the first day… I blame the Hoff!

 

Good start! Except for the gaming obv. Look forward to some quads!

 

Don't keep us waiting long for more; you've already got me laughing!

 

Nice funny stuff. Great detail too. Seems you have a good time regardless of the mix of cuisine or the gambling score. Great attitude! Looking forward to the rest of the story.

 

EXCELLENT!

Love it, as I can close my eyes & follow you every step of the way...from the parking area at Hobby to the Wax to the front desk at MSS.

Thanks!

 

HA..Loving it

 

Can't wait for the next installment

 

great so far! looking forward to more!!

 

Day 2 – The return of the lucky man-thong!

Well I woke up butt naked in my bed with a deck of MSS cards in one hand and a bag of caramel corn in the other? Oh yea, I remember that I decided that I really needed desert after I did my Hoff/cheese burger reenactment last evening? Have no idea where I got the caramel corn… but I do remember giving Angie (Slot host at MSS) a big-drunken-Texan hug on my way back to the room. I don’t think I pissed her off or anything… well she gave me a free deck of cards so I must not have been too bad… or maybe she was bribing me to go away?

Anyway, it was now before 6:00 am and I enjoyed the beautiful Tuesday morning view from the 15th floor facing the freeway at MSS. I leisurely got cleaned up, dressed in my business casual outfit and headed downstairs completely sober… without a hangover too! See what a full nights [STRIKE]passing out[/STRIKE] sleep will do for you!

So I go to the MSS Boars Head Bar to drink coffee and contemplate what to do for the next several hours as the convention does not start until 10:00 am. So after $42.00 dollars worth of coffee… that’s two coffees with a dollar tip and forty bucks lost on .25 JOB V/P…. Sh!t!!!

I went over to the Four Queens and picked up a new players card... I forgot too yesterday. Now it is not that I lost my card, but I now qualify for the very special upgrade to the exclusive Club 55! Well the qualifications are that you have to be 55 years of age… but you get 20% discounts on rooms, meals, gifts shops, etc. Then to the Magnolia Veranda to enjoy a delicious order of Eggs Benedict and a Coke (cause they don’t have Pepsi-Cola here.) I sat in a booth and enjoying the view of the casino. Not much happening at this time of the morning, but I watched a few of my fellow Club 55 members pound away at penny slots. Well these ladies could have been members of Club 75… but they were having fun and they were fun to watch. I really do like little old ladies… even though I piss them off all the time.

After breakfast I went to the Kings Bar and had another $42.00 worth of coffee playing .25 DDB V/P… Sh!t!!! I then remembered that I had forgot my credentials for the convention so I headed back through the Las Vegas Club, the Cal, through MSS back to my room to get my paperwork. Well my morning work-out was complete… still had an hour and a half before the show… what to do… what to do? Oh yea… I went and gambled some more. So I sat at the MSS bar and had $84.00 worth of Club Soda with a twist of lime… Sh!t!!!

Fully caffeinated and hydrated I went over through the Cal and Binion’s to the bus stop and bought a 3 day bus pass. Caught the SDX and rode to the Fashion Show Mall exit. Went up the escalator to the overhead cross walk to the Wynn. Weather was a little windy but a comfortable 80 something… well comfortable to a South Texan who is used to 80% - 100% humidity. I made it through the barricade of beggars… water sellers… and rapper/CD salesmen. Now I understand the beggars and water sellers… but who the hell buys a CD from some random armature rap artist?

Anyway I was around the corner and up another escalator to cross over Sands Blvd. to the Palazzo. There were just beggars, water sellers, and people handing out flyers for the conference on this overpass. I stopped and asked one of the water sellers “how much”… he responded “what ever you feel it’s worth, I give it away and only ask for a donation.” So I handed him two bucks for an ice cold (and fresh unopened) bottle of water and said “Thanks!” He responded in with a very enthusiastic “God Bless You!” So for the rest of the week every time I passed him he had a bottle of water out for me and gave me a blessing and I made a donation. I appreciate an entrepreneur with a good product at a good price… no more six dollar bottles of water at the casino gift shops for me!

So I entered the Palazzo by the poker room turned right (south) and headed through the cavernous casino. This place reminded me of a fancy-smancy South Point… big rectangle shaped casino. Like the South Point if you looked closely there was a lot of wear and tear on the furnishings. Nice accoutrements, high ceilings, maybe a little smaller, and high limits but is just like a South Point for a wealthier clientele… well that’s my casino review anyway. An interesting tid-bit… they have kiosks so that you can reprint a new slot card without having to interact with a human at the slot club booth… never seen that before… but then again I always stay at the relatively low-tech down-town casinos.

I exited the casino and asked a security guard for directions to the convention area. Down the mall, turn left at the fountains; turn left again by the Rock of Ages show room. And after a fairly short walk with excellent signage I found the conference registration area. The convention took up almost all the space, upstairs and downstairs. It is very easy to get around and is much more convenient that the Mandalay Bay Convention Center… well that and it does not seem to be as remote to the casino and transportation to me. That’s my convention center review by the way.

I spent several hours looking at techno-magic and meeting with vendors… blah, blah, blah.

At about 2:00 pm I checked my cell phone and saw that I had a voice mail. Went out to the hall and it was an insurance adjuster working on a claim of mine and he had a ten digit extension? I did not have a pen with me… I know, I walked my several thousand free pens in the convention?

So I made the executive decision to go take a break and go back to the casino… besides I could borrow a pen from the slot club… besides I did not have a Palazzo slot card… besides I needed a Heineken… besides I had seen enough techno-magic for one day… besides I could play V/P while I was on hold for the insurance adjuster? Ummmm… maybe I was doing a little self justification there?

So anyway I walk into the casino turn right and ask the very nice young lady at Club Grazie for a players card… and ask to borrow a pen. She handed me a pen, said keep it, then swiped my driver’s license. I was already in their system? Oh yea… I got a card at the Venetian when back in 1999 when it first opened. Great data-retention I must say. So I corrected all of my contact information, grabbed my free pen, and walked over to a bank of V/P machines against the wall just past the mall entrance.

Sat down on one of those damn “schwoopy” chairs… you know the adjustable chairs that do not work correctly… they go “schwoop” when you sit on them and drop about a foot. I hope that the casinos sue the crap out of the manufactures for these defective things! Anyway I moved over to a chair that held firm, put in a twenty, inserted my Club Grazie card (with zero points) and got my cell phone and pen ready. Before I could hit deal or make a phone call there was a beautiful and tall cocktail waitress there asking me if I would like a drink! Duhhh… Heineken please! Wow this sort of makes up for the 8/5 .25 DDB pay tables. So I sat there and had $63.00 dollars worth of Heineken's and completed my phone call to the insurance adjuster? Yet once again, no quads… no flushes… no straits… no full houses. Best hand for an hour was three of a kind. This streak of mine was getting irritating… not ugly… but irritating… Sh!t!!!

After I complete my phone call I grab my Heineken and head across the street to the Wynn. I stopped by the Red Card booth in the Mall hallway. The poor lady took my information, issued me a new card, mentioned that there was $10.00 of free play and then proceeded to start explaining in great detail the requirements for a free buffet? WTF Steve Wynn? I do not need a twenty minute lecture on your overly-complicated comp system! I walked off mid-sentence on this poor woman and did not look back… I’m sure I pissed her off… I know she was just doing her job… but still?

So I find a 9/5 .25 DDB V/P machine, well that an improvement over Palazzo’s pay-tables. A very attractive tall cocktail waitress is taking my order (Heineken… Duhhh) within 3 nanoseconds and even stood there and gave me a 5 minute lecture how the free play worked? WTF Steve Wynn? Anyway my unlucky streak continued… $73.00 for three Heinekens (sixty of my bucks plus Steve’s ten bucks of free play plus a buck a beer tip… plus a free lecture?) I did not even see a three of a kind?

Time to go back down-town… I’m getting grumpy… so I walk out to Las Vegas Blvd. and jump on the SDX. I head back to MSS to change into my lucky outfit. That’s right I take a shower to wash off the losses and pull on my lucky bright orange man-thong! You have to feel a little sexy to win…besides I’m pretty sure the Hoff would approve… besides I’m sort of superstitious this way… besides I’ve had 8 Heinekens (I had a couple more when I got back to the room?) Oh yea; I also put on a pair of shorts, a shirt, and flip-flops… don’t want you to think I walk around with my man-panties exposed!

So I cruse over to the Golden Nugget to look around… Holy Crap they have hoity-toity Baccarat here now! I was doing new things today so I sat there and watched… never-ever played this game. No one came over and gave me a 20 minute lecture on how to play or anything. So I sat down, bought in for $300 and played for $25 a hand.

Now I believe in streaks when I am gambling, my streak at V/P on this trip was dismal, so I was looking for a streak the other way. Well I played banker almost 95% of the time here. It sort of pissed off my table-mates… many of them thought I was like a dark-side player on a craps table? But they got used to it when they realized that I was consistent on this bet… well that and I’m a loud obnoxious hard-headed Texan when I’m on a streak?

Table service was great… never had an empty glass of J&B and soda. The table was never full but I sat there and played my banker game. The cards were choppy to banker streaky? People came and went… I played on this table with two to six players for hours… slowly winning. I was sitting there doing my thing and eventually had the whole table convinced to play banker for about 8 winning hands and the Pit Boss came over and offered comps to every one… but me?

Seriously, he sent one couple off to the fish place, another group off to the steakhouse and left me alone all by myself? It was a new shoe so I stood up and said “Excuse me, how about a meal please?” Yes, I said please. He went over and looked at his computer and said “How about a buffet?” WTF… I looked at him like he was on crack… said “how long do you have me playing?”

He told me (very accurately) that I had been playing a little over four hours at $25/hand almost exclusively on banker. I was dumb-founded… a buffet? He started to give me a lecture on expected value of playing banker vs. player or something and I went on full-tilt at the Golden Nugget once again. I argued in a very belligerent drunken Texan kind of way that if any one plays for over 4 hours at any casino game at $25/hand they should expect something more that a comp to the buffet!

Well boys and girls… let me tell you… If you throw a hissy-fit at the Golden Nugget baccarat tables you get to meet security guards real quick. They very politely said to me “Sir, it is time to leave!” Well I am no stranger to getting kicked out of the Golden Nugget? So I cashed out, paid my commission, made sure that I had my stupid little buffet coupon and was escorted out of the Golden Nugget once again? It was not so bad, because I had nine black chips in my pocket even after commissions and tips and what I bought in for… the man-thong strikes again!

So in my drunken state I was sort of vaguely remembering what Ms. Squid said to me before I left “Take it easy” and then again… I was having visions of The Hoff shouting “Party Hard!” while wearing a man-thong? Maybe I need to see a therapist about this… but it only happens in Vegas? So I decided to compromise… by compromise I mean black-jack at the Cal?

So I walk back to the Cal (I don’t really remember if it was via the Las Vegas Club or Binion’s) but sufficed to say that I ended up at a $25 dollar table with a bunch of Hawaiian ladies!

It seems that they are all here for a high-school reunion. I mention that how smart I thought that Hawaiians were for having their reunions in Vegas. Told them I graduated from high-school in Ohio… never-ever thought about going back there for a high-school reunion. Then said “It’s amazing that Hawaiian’s are the smartest people in the USA"… and asked "why has there never been an American President from Hawaii?”

They all looked at me funny and said “Are you a Tea Party member or are you just stupid?” I just grinned ear to ear. Anyway, they thought my stupid dry humor was funny as hell? I was invited to escort a very sweet little Hawaiian lady (who laughed at all of my stupid jokes) to a Reunion Party at MSS on Thursday night? I told her OK, I would be proud too… but only if I could tell stupid jokes! She told me to meet her at the MSS bar at 6:00 pm… and her daughter made sure she had my cell phone number to remind me. Now don’t worry, this nice little lady was pushing 60… Oh crap? Anyway I cashed out even and headed back to the MSS to my room and was in bed (by myself) before mid-night!

Up next:

• Dropping a $20,000.00 cell phone?
• Dancing on the SDX!
• Got drunk and rowdy with fellow Texans at the Red Wood Grill!
• Kissed a Hawaiian woman (Sh!T)?
• Escorted back to my room by MSS security… again?

P.S. - Yes I took pictures... I forgot this second day, again... I blame the Hoff?

 

squid, great trip report as usual... very entertaining. Cant wait for the rest of it.

 

Very enjoyable read so far Squid.

It's a shame you haven't got any small portable devices on your person that could double as rudimentary camera...

:evillaugh

I'm glad you gave the Smug Nugget cheapskates 'snoose' as my Mom says.

 

Must have more!!! Again great read Squid. I haven't seen " accoutrements " used in context for long time. Your TRs kick ass.

 

first timer on reading any of your trip reports and I say...woooonderful!

 

Oh this is getting good, more please!
PS, you can say shit here
I cracked your code lol

 

NEVER!!!

Who would do such a thing?

Loving the trip report!

 

Very entertaining TR. You are too funny....

 

Your TR's are hilarious. PARTY HARD....

 

Loving it Squid! Can't wait for the pictures!

 

Classically great

Great stuff. MSS rocks IMHO; you were same room we had in early May; Housekeepers are great an appreciative.

Keep it going!

 

Two days now and no update. Squid where are you?