Bad joke of the day 2020

This one's for @Richard Alpert.

 

Mike's mother, an English teacher, died. At the funeral, Mike asked if anyone would like to say something. A former student stood and said, "Plethora." Mike paused, choked back tears, and said, "That means a lot."

 

Rita found her husband hanging in his bedroom this morning.
There was a note on his bed which read, “I can’t take the critism anymore.”
She quickly cut the rope, brought him down and managed to revive him.
As her husband lay in her arms and slowly opened his eyes, she remarked:
“That’s NOT how you spell criticism my dear!”

 

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads: “Here Lies My Wife – Cold As Ever” “Yeah?” she replies. “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads: “Here Lies My Husband – Stiff At Last”

 

Cats , gotta watch them. .

 

Mickey Mouse is in the middle of a nasty divorce from Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation. “I’m sorry Mickey, but I can’t legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane,” said the judge. Mickey replied, “I didn’t say she was mentally insane, I said that she’s f*n Goofy!”

 

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, “I have a question to ask you but I don’t want to offend you.”She answers, ‘My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

“Well, I’ve always had a Fantasy to have a nun kiss me.” She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic.”

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I am single and I’m Catholic too!” The nun says “OK, pull into the next alley.” He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

“My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?” “Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.” The nun says, “That’s OK, my name is Kevin and I’m on my way to a Halloween party.”

 

Not funny but maybe real

3 years old: My mom is the best!
7 years old: Mom I love you!
10 years old: Mom what ever!
17 years old: OMG my mom is so annoying!
25 years old: I wanna go back home!
35 years old: Mom you were right
50 years old: I dont wanna lose my mom!
70 years old: I would give everything to have my mom with me!

 

A curious mom uses her new iPhone to text her daughter to ask a very important question. The text reads: What does IDK, ILY, TTYL mean? Before long, the daughter texts back, "I don't know. I love you. Talk to you later" to which the mom responds, "It's okay. Don't worry about it, I'll ask your brother. Love you, too."

 

Lord's Army

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

 

For those who need a job, Facebook is now hiring in several locations.

No need to send in a resume or fill out any forms. They already have your information.

 

For the golfers on here:

 

This one is perfect for me. I can't wait to use it...

 

It was at that moment Tiffany realized how Donna could afford a new corvette...

 

Calling Richard Alpert!