My Turn To Vent

I am so depressed right now that I would cry if it wasn't for the Zoloft.

I have just come to realize that trips to Vegas, gambling and nice extras are no longer financially doable.

I don't want to go into details because it's just too maddening to express. I am trying to live off my pension and a small Society Security check.

Old timers may remember my story about my deadbeat sister who always has her hand out for something. She has not worked in over a year. She doesn't pay her taxes or utility bills until threatened with a Sheriff's sale or shutdown. I also kept her in heating fuel over the winter which cost about $1K.

I also send $200 every other week so she can buy cat food for her four cats, cigarettes and food. She lives on pasta and frozen broccoli.

She is not actively seeking work, just answering those online job seeking sites. She never follows up on interviews, blows off interviews she thinks are below her dignity and believes that at age 55, someone is going to offer her $40K to be a retail Assistant Manager.

In the past month I have given her $2K for utility bills and car repairs. The car is 2004 Ford Focus, which is actually mine and for which she owes me $20K, which I will never see. I have paid for all insurance, registration and repair since 2004.

Next up within a week or so is around $1500 in back property taxes.

I also have plenty of my own bills. I need a new laptop. I'm going to have to settle for something cheap instead of the custom made one that I really want.

I will not be able to go to Vegas or even a local casino because I don't like to gamble when I am afraid to lose.

Dear Audience, you are sitting out there and calling me a damned fool and I am. I am also a huge coward. I almost hate myself again, the way I did before treatment.

I will keep posting in the Non Vegas area, because you guys are my social network. I am of no use in the Vegas advice areas.

I never for a second foresaw any of this.

 

Good luck Breeze.

You really need to try and stop this to be honest. You could end up with nothing yourself trying to help others who do not help themselves.

Some people (families included) will take take while there is a cash cow handy.

Families can be tricky but you have helped all you can (and all you can afford). You need to look after number one sometimes rather than looking after someone else and going without yourself.

It isn't being a coward btw it is just having a good heart.

 

Dont beat yourself up Breeze,none of this is your fault . Your only sin is being a good brother.Trust me,I live in an adult community and theres a lot of my friends and myself included who have had to help out siblings and kids. Two of my friends have kids with families who are facing eviction. I've had to help out both of my kids,but you gotta do it .
So take it day by day and good luck.

 

I'm all for helping others while they're trying to get back on their feet. When it becomes obvious that they're making no effort to help themselves, however, the help needs to stop. As harsh as it sounds, you're not helping her, you're enabling her, and making yourself miserable in the process. I know it gets very complicated when family's involved, but it's time to do the right thing.

 

Not sure what to say following this round. I know most of us like each other around here, we share that sense of concern for folks in general. You need to remove yourself from your sister, her life and your kind but non-rehabilitative efforts to bootstrap her. It's family, it might appear cavalier for those of us on the outside to suggest that, but I imagine a good number of us know at least some of the inner turmoil roiling you. But it's gotta be done. If you don't, you both will go down the drain.

Go see a specialist, talk this through, get yourself the mental tools you need to be able to do this.

 

That's the down side to having a heart. There's always the opportunity to have it broken. You've gone above and beyond. You've done so much more than a lot of others would have done...open ended...no consequences. This ain't your fault, for looking out for someone else. It's always easier to give advice when you have no skin in the game, but I think you'd be well served to have a sit-down with the parties involved and explain that the days of unlimited support have necessarily come to an end. There's only so many seats in the lifeboat, and someone's gonna have to get wet. Hopefully there's a solution forthcoming that works to your benefit.



BTW: I too don't like gaming when I'm afraid of losing.

 

Not having to do with money but similar attachment to other issues.

We had a family member who was by definition a hoarder. The house (2500 sq ft just for a visual) was wall to wall floor to ceiling garbage. Kept everything from news paper clippings to plastic bags to magazines - she'd buy stuff then months later not know she did or couldn't find it or etc...

2 or 3 years ago, her boyfriend (who the hell willingly lives with someone like that) sold the house and moved south.

We ripped her from the house; spent 5 days cleaning it; reducing her possessions to nice stuff. Clean clothes; nice set of dishes, working electronics. During the 5 days, she nearly had a heart attack - rushed to the hospital - due to stress of an abrupt change (she had to leave; the house was sold).

We moved her into a nice condo - smaller - 600 sq ft ish - she's now on her own continued to throw out more stuff she doesn't need; keep the place tidy - her health is much improved and she's genuinely happier.

What I'm trying to say is; dude, you need to cut her off. It sucks to have to do that to your sister, but she won't learn until she's dependent on herself. Be there to help her if she needs it and you want to; but don't give in right away. Let her try for a while to turn things around on her own.

 

Why should she work? She has you. Been going through the same thing with my wifes sister. She has nothing, owns nothing, she will never have SS, she's almost 50 and is a user of people.

 

Sorry to hear that. I have a pretty good idea you know how to add $200 per week to your budget. 2 months the property tax bill is gone. if you can give away $800 per month then it wont be long until you are squared away again.

 

Hopefully she doesn't have kids. As others have said, it's cutoff time. I'd recommend a sit-down with her at a neutral spot like a restaurant. There you can lay out a transition plan with a concrete deadline. The deadline represents when you'll no longer provide her with funds. Talk to her about giving away the cats, stopping smoking, and getting a job. And for what it's worth, I don't think you should hate yourself at all. You're doing what you think a good brother does, but at this point it's enablement.

 

Nothing wrong with helping your sis with stuff like fuel and car repairs Breeze, but please draw the line with that $200 for cigs and cat food(A $10 16 lb bag of cat food should last 4 cats about a month). Bring the poor cats 1 bag a month and let her at least buy her own cigs and food.

 

I know of a few people in my life who have similar situations. I know of a couple who are well into their 70s but can't retire because they are broke due to paying off everything for their daughter. I also know of a guy who told his wife (or wife to be) that they can't get married unless she demands a pre-nup and the pre-nup simply states that he is not allowed to offer financial assistance to his deadbeat brother.

You aren't alone in your situation, there are other people who have to go through very similar situations. Good for you for finding a way to vent. We can all offer you advise on what to do, and it's very easy for us to do so because we aren't in your situation. No matter what you do, it won't be easy, but you've got people here willing to lend you some encouraging words. Take solace in that to help get you by.

 

As I'm sure you know, people generally don't feel the need to change unless they're forced to, and your sister has built up 50+ years of inertia. I've seen this happen with some of my relatives that never had a sense of urgency to change, because they didn't need to due to the family acting as a financial crutch.

As everyone has said, giving money to her will only perpetuate the problem. As her brother, you owe it to her to give her a rude awakening to reality, because if you die, she probably will as well. At least while you're still alive, do your best to help get her on the right track.

I'm sure you've already received a lot of unsolicited advice, but my personal suggestion would be to cut off all cash flow to her but not cut off contact. Tell her the facts straight out and that while you will not provide her any more money from now on, you are willing to provide her as much help as you can in getting a job (if you have the time to do so), such as interview preparation, job searching, etc. As I said, do not cut off contact, and visit her when you can so that she will not feel isolated during this time. Hopefully, with time, she will realize that you mean business and that she will need to shape up.

 

Breeze you have already been a wonderful brother. Cutting her off doesn't mean you love her any less. It is not worth your sanity. Maybe you can wean her off. -- Don't pay for the car insurance and repairs.

 

Sorry you are going through this; I know it is tough where family is involved but as others have said, you are going above and beyond for someone who isn't lifting a finger to help herself at the expense of you enjoying your life. She is your sister, not your daughter. Some tough love is called for. She won't help herself as long as you keep providing for her. Inhope you find the strength to cut off financial support. You deserve to enjoy your life!

 

Breeze sorry to hear about this. My family went through this with my brother. We had to cut him off as he was destroying our family both emotionally and financially. I want you to know I stand by you and understand what you going through.

 

First of all, you are not a coward. You are a distinguished service veteran who served our country with honor, courage, and dignity. You also are a caring brother who chose to help a sister who for some reason is having problems helping herself. To me these are not the traits of a coward. These are the traits of a real human being.

It's really hard because we are talking family here. And it's only natural to feel frustrated for wanting to do other things in life besides just "existing".

May I suggest sitting down and having a heart to heart talk. Tell her that it seems both of you are not really living life, but more just merely existing, due to her not trying to improve her condition and you trying to live life to the fullest but is being bogged down by her needs.

Tell her you want to LIVE! And that you want her to LIVE also! But you need her help, she needs to help in the form of her finding work so she can relieve the burden you are currently carrying.

Gently remind her that both of you are heading into your twilight years. It's time to live for oneself, to enjoy what time is left in this world. Tell her you have dreams, and you want them to come true. Tell her she should dream also, but dreams only come true when you work for it.

I'm sorry, Breeze, I don't know if I'm helping or if I'm just full of shit, it's just that the situation you're in will not have easy answers.

Just know that you can vent anytime you feel you have to. We will be here to listen.

 

What would Paulie Walnuts do ?
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I had a coach who used to preach ....."Necessity, is the mother of all invention."
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Breeze, We're all here to listen...............................................................................and find our way back to Vegas !