Thoughts to get you through the day

I had a good chuckle from some on these, especially the 4th one from the top.

• I might wake up early and go running. I also might wake up and win the lottery. The odds are about the same.

• Some days you eat salads and go to the gym, some days you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. It’s called balance.
• I put whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
• I wonder why we are so obsessed with trying to find intelligent life on other planets, when we can’t even find intelligent life here?
• Don’t be afraid of death; be afraid of an unlived life. You don’t have to live forever, you just have to live.
• I heard WalMart is closing 268 stores…putting 14 cashiers out of work.
• My boss said, “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.
• Wouldn’t life be perfect if sweatpants were sexy, Mondays were fun, junk food was healthy, girls didn’t cause so much drama, guys weren’t so confusing, and goodbyes only meant untiltomorrow?
• Some things are better left unsaid, which I generally realize right after I have said them.
• I don’t know what’s longer: a microwave minute of a treadmill minute.
• I always carry a knife…you know, in case of cheesecake or something.
• I accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of Aisle 4.

• The fact that there’s a ‘highway to hell’ and only a ‘stairway to heaven’ says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
• So when is this ‘old enough to know better’ supposed to kick in?
• Have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered, “Who ties your shoelaces for you?”
• Be careful when you follow the masses…sometimes the “m” is silent!
• I’m not lazy; I just really enjoy doing nothing.
• When you’re dead, you don’t know you’re dead; it’s only difficult for others. It the same way when you’re stupid.
• Don’t confuse my personality with my attitude…my personality is who I am. My attitude depends on who you are!
• Sometimes I sit quietly and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum…then I take a look around and realize maybe I already am.
• 
  I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey but I turned myself around.
• I went to the Air & Space Museum but there was nothing there.
• Hold the door open for a clown…it’s a nice jester.
• My reality check bounced.
• All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
• WHEN FACED WITH A CHOICE Between two evils, I always pick the one I’ve never tried.
• My cure for an obsession: Get another one.
• The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.
• I child-proofed my house but the kids still got in.
• Ban pre-shredded cheese…Make America grate again.
• If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler.
• What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger…except for bears…bears will kill you.
• There are times when my greatest accomplishment is just keeping my mouth shut.
• Yes, I’ve got OCD—old, cranky and dangerous.
• No matter how big a hammer you use, you can’t pound common sense into stupid people.
• I had a goldfish that could break dance on the carpet…but only for like 20 seconds…and only once.
• 
  Some days the best thing about my job is that the chair spins.
• You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.
• I don’t like making plans for the day, because then the word “premeditated” gets thrown around the courtroom.
• Dear paranoid people who check behind the shower curtains for murderers, if you do find one, what’s your plan?
• Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges to keep the crazies from following you.
• Those who say, “There is no such thing as a stupid question” have never worked in Customer Service.

You can tell a lot about a woman’s mood just by her hands. For instance, if they are holding a gun, she’s probably angry

 

Did you really have to go there Joe?

Love your post - it's a keeper!
Geogran

 

I read them, and the day is still not over.

False advertising. And I badly need it to be tomorrow.

For some reason

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LOL, this thread is gold!!!! I'm saving these for Facebook status updates...don't care if nobody else likes them.

 

Very good Joe! Made me laugh.
Good luck.

 

Good luck!

 

I used to do this. Then we remodeled the bathroom; did a glass shower door and now the door needs to be cleaned every 2 days to remove soap scum / hard water build up.

I think I'd prefer to find the murder.

 

You're welcome


In the meantime, having outsmarted the shower murderer, just make sure you double check for toilet snakes.

 

Hi Joe, you made me laugh so much. Thank you so much. It made my day!!

Nevyn, you are so right about looking for snakes in the toilet. LOL.

I watch my diet while I am eating a donut. I live to EAT! I wish I ate to live instead. I would not have a weight problem if I was the opposite.

I am not very witty because my elevator doesn't go to the top floor.
I am diabetic and I am not supposed to eat sugar so I put honey in my tea. LucyR.

 

Walmart phrase is dead on. Thanks for laugh

 

LOL

 

Mine is stuck in the basement, lol!

 

After I watched the movie 'Psycho" I always lock my bathroom door. One day I couldn't unlock the
bathroom door. I didn't have any thing to unscrew the door to get out so I had to try and try until
I was able to open the door. My friends asked me "why didn't you use your cell phone? DUH....
I don't take my cell phone to the bathroom. Now I leave the door unlocked. lol.

 

I loved the WalMart too. I laughed and laughed.

 

I was driving down a street and looking at all the new places that have opened up.
I was passing a nice new restaurant and they were advertising the "Donner" Burger. It reminded me
of the DONNER PARTY. You all know that history in America.

I

 

Wonder if they served ribs and rump roast, too?
Too soon for Donner Party jokes?

RICHARD

 

There is that one area of my back I can't quite reach while washing.

"Hey there! I didn't hear you knock. So sorry about that! Say, if you wouldn't mind setting down that knife and taking this loofah..."

RICHARD

 

In the early 90's we took the family to Universal Florida. We were standing in line to go to the Hitchcock show and I got asked to play Norman Bates. so all got to go backstage and the family sat in the front row and I did the shower scene. I asked why they picked me and they said it was because I had the whitest sneakers and they would show up better on stage. i thought it was because i had that born to kill face....

 

JOE, I am still laughing from all the funny stuff you wrote.

It is part of our American Movie History to see a major female star get murdered in the shower. We only get to hear the scream, the knife and the blood flowing in the shower. But we don't see her get knifed.
I thought... She is the main movie star she isn't supposed to get killed. I felt cheated that the main star got killed. "Cruel shoes".