You know that you're getting old when . . . . (sad post)

Relatives of your generation start passing away.

I lost my brother about 10 years ago, and that was due to our family history of heart disease and his lack of access to Western medicine. My brother was only a year younger than me.

I lost my cousin (a year older than me) last week to complications due cancer of the stomach/pancreas. He fought it for 2 years. I did not see him before he passed. I wasn't really close to him, but we both knew we were around. I didn't want to see him the way that he had become. I wanted to remember him as I last had seen him. A big guy that loved his guns. I did send him an email with pictures that was read to him the day he passed away. His funeral will be on the day of my next trip to Las Vegas.

IMHO, funerals are for the living, and I avoid them unless it's an immediate or close family member. My Dad has chosen to be cremated. His friends are all long gone.

Pick up the phone today and call one of your friends or relatives that you hadn't seen in awhile, just to say hello and thank them for being around.

 

A high school classmate of mine died two weeks ago.

It causes such conflict in me to decide if I should buy a new car because I might die soon or save money for retirement in case I don't.

 

A friend's girlfriend referred to the Lion King as "one of the old Disney movies". No mam, old Disney is Cinderella, Snow White, etc....

 

We all hope our loved ones live long and prosper. For very selfish reasons I hope I live to an old age and pass away before my wife and children. I don't think I could handle the grief if it was otherwise.

But I know my wife and children will continue well without me. They are strong, close knit, and survivors; which makes me love them and proud of them each day.

 

Sorry for your loss. Funerals are for the living. When my mother passed away at the age of 73. She said she wanted us to have a party instead of a funeral. We laid her to rest privately and the next spring we organized a family reunion. It is hard for everyone to get together yearly but now the cousins have managed to have one every other year. Just the way Mom would have wanted it.

 

I feel your pain. Yes we are getting older but the number of deaths in the past few years has been astonishing for us. Last year from Feb to Aug we lost my husbands cousin, husbands uncle, husbands aunt, husbands mother, husbands uncle, my aunt and my childhood best friend. What an effing 6 months that was for us. In Jan/Feb of this year lost 2 of husbands cousins. I feel like now that there has been some time put between the passings....I just sit here with my jaw dropped thinking about all the people I miss. We have lost 6 members of my high school graduating class in the past 12 months...we only had a class of 142. Some had passed previous to last year. I have days when I wonder geez do I have more than 15 years to live myself? I do not live what you would call a healthy lifestyle. Guess how old I am....56. It seems like you get in your 50s and everyone starts dropping like flies. So sorry for all your losses. It does tend to put things into perspective.

 

Lately I have to help my mother out. She is 85 and living in a care home. Unfortunately 3 weeks ago she fell down while walking to the elevator (after dinner) and dislocated her shoulder. She also cut her hand so they sent her to the ER to put her shoulder back in and to bandage her hand.

A few days later she was back in the hospital. dr's said that she wasn't getting enough fluids and so was disoriented, didn't even know her name and her cut hand was infected and swelling. That night in bed she moved and dislocated her shoulder again so now she has to sleep in a sling to prevent dislocations.

She moved back 2 weeks ago to the care home but she is in the area that provides assisted care. She calls me and wants me to come over to pick up her mail and to write and pay her bills. Initially she wanted me to pay her bills out of my pocket but I told her no way unless she gives me her $$ accounts. Funny because she probably makes more than I do. She has a 5 bedroom house on Maui and 3 condos so is probably bringing home over 70k a year (including social sec). Not sure, seems like she wants to take her money with her when she goes? Kind of dumb because if she needs assistance her savings and investments will have to dry up before she can get medicare. She should turn over her stuff to the kids so they can take care of her but because she doesn't we don't have any $$ to help her out. I fear that all her $$ will be spent by the time she dies, esp if she needs to pay for more medical or ICU care. Sorry, just bitching.

Anyway, it's kind of sad to see everyone getting older and start to pass away. I'm getting close to retirement so am happy that I am moving on but sad that I will end up like my mother or others as I get older. Not sure if I want to live to that age where I need help, I hope I can enjoy retirement and go quickly and without pain.

 

There are attorney groups that specialize in estate planning such that your Mom won't need to exhaust her savings before Medicare takes her.

I visited one with my Mom and Dad and they made a plan. If you want, I can see if they have someone that they can refer in HI, but I'm sure that you can do that if you choose to.

 

Thanks but the problem is that my mom thinks she knows everything so won't listen to suggestions. My sister is a paralegal for an attorney but my mom didn't use her when my dad died. She didn't trust my sister and thought she would rip her off. Never mind that she probably had to pay an extra $5 to 10K in fees to have someone else do it.

Wish we could get her to listen to others but she thinks she knows everything. Not sure, is that the way for many of the elderly?

 

Medicare looks back like 3 or 5 years so you need to get the vast majority of her money out of her name now. Leave her $50k and move the rest to a bank account in a relative's name.

I talked to an attorney and she flat out told me she's not allowed to advise how to keep money away from Medicare.

 

Snidely, too bad we can't convince my mom to do that. We have been trying to get her to turn over the money and ownership of her condos and the family house for over 10 years but she seems to want to keep it all in her name. Unfortunate for me also. When my dad died in 2001 he willed me one of their condos but that one had their only mortgage on it. My mom refused to pay off the mortgage, saying that it was my responsibility now. I struggled for a few years, in addition to my own mortgage I had to take care of their $60K mortgage (couldn't rent out the place since it was trashed). Luckily the housing market rose in 2005 so I could sell and at least recoup what I spent on it.

The family fears that she will probably burn through her investments and leave the kids will little else. As with many, we expect her to have more health issues that will cost money. The problem is that she has no real financial knowledge except for what she has in the bank and the $$ amount her properties are worth. Yeah, there is no real love lost between her and the kids anymore and unfortunately she is worth more dead than alive.

 

I agree with you wholeheartedly. I think we all would like that kind of ending.

 

How unfortunate. Keep trying to convince her to give it up for everyone's sake, including hers. Good Luck!

 

When my mother died two years ago, the first thing my dad did, after the funeral was over, was put everything in mine and my brother's name and grant me power of attorney over all his affairs. He said he'd been wanting to do it for a while, but mother didn't think it was necessary. She died quite suddenly of complications from a brain bleed. That was a shock to us all, because everyone expected dad to go first.

That year was a nasty one for us. Shortly after my mother died, my partner's daughter in law died suddenly, then two months later our great grandson died two days before his third birthday. He had Dravet Syndrome epilepsy and wasn't well, but it was a huge shock for everyone.

Getting back to your mother though, perhaps it's a female trait. Mine certainly felt that she was the best person to look after her and dads finances.

 

I plan to leave my kids nothing when I go. They agree I should spend it now and enjoy my trips and cruises. Why do some kids feel like we, the parents, owe them an inheritance.
Love your family while you have them with you. Call, not text, those you don't see often and see how they are doing and let them know you care. When they are gone you will be glad you did.
Seniors don't want to depend on their children and don't want their children telling them what to do.. Gradual suggestions over a period of time might work to help seniors see your way. Thank God for my kids...

 

My kids and I feel the same way. Leaving them something is not a top priority and they understand and support me in this.

For me the most important thing I can do for my loved ones is to make sure when it's time for me to go, that the financials with the funeral and burial is all planned and paid for. My dad (God bless his soul) was unfortunate and couldn't take care of this so I remember the stress of planning the funeral and mourning our loss at the same time.

It puts me at ease to know that everything will be taken care of when the time comes.

 

Nothing wrong with spending it on yourself on something good but it's stupid to give it all to a nursing home.

 

Totally agree,

 

I agree but I think the problem with the old timers is that they are afraid of losing it all to something and have a fear of losing control so they have a hard time turning it over to their kids. They don't realize that for medical expenses, a person will have to burn through their assets before Medicaid will assist them so basically their money will go to paying for health care. It is logical to turn assets over to the kids (or putting it in their kids name to avoid probate taxes) many years in advance but some old folks are afraid that the kids will take all their money and leave them with nothing. I think that is the case with my mother so there is no way to convince her otherwise.

I think in Hawaii with Asian families they feel the need to pass down their "legacy" and try to give money to their kids so many parents will be frugal so they can help out their kids. I agree with others though, the parents should spend what they need to live a good life. Unfortunately with our housing market so high it is hard for the kids to afford a home or live comfortably so many need help from the parents to just get by. I'm lucky, only a few years from retirement and financially okay so anything from my mom will just be extra for me to pass to my nephews to help them out. Still, I wish she turned her finances over to me so the government won't get her money when her healthcare expenses go up (she wants me to take care of her bill paying but out of my own pocket! her attitude is "when I die this will all be yours"....no way will I pay her bills, I could die before her).