This trip was for the 21st birthday of a family friend. 5 girls, 2 guys. I was the only one going up Thursday night as I basically got a free room for the night and didn’t see any reason to waste any time. The airport was DEAD---no security line, no checkin line…awesome! I stopped at the bar and had a nice 20oz Oktoberfest beer followed by a nice 20oz Guinness. That came back to haunt me. I used the restroom two times before I even got on the plane, once while on the plane, and as soon as I got off….ahhhhhh! Anyway, the plane was empty and I had one row to myself. It was definitely a stripper shuttle…there were a lot of girls wearing sweats who were just a little too attractive. I get off the plane (and use the bathroom) and find my bags come out right as I arrive at the baggage claim. I put a call into Vegasdrea to let her know I’ve arrived in Vegas and she says she will meet me at my hotel. I have an awesome taxi driver and she delivers me quickly and efficiently to the Excalibur. I get in line and only see two check in lines open and one is a manager…..not good. At the last second, a young woman opens up her line and I am hoping for the best. $20 trick and suddenly I have a deluxe widescreen room with a view of the strip…specifically towards NYNY and MGM. The TV doesn’t work but I will handle that later…I really, really need a shower. Of course Andrea calls just as I’m stepping out the shower dripping wet. Great. It takes me a minute to get both dry and dressed and meet her down at the elevators. We run upstairs to get a bottle of Pepsi (no Coke) for $3 to go with the vanilla cognac in my room. We chat and catch up while we mix a couple of drinks. Nice girl that she is, she even volunteers to go get the ice. Somehow at the end of the trip I have no vanilla cognac but Drea does…hmmm. I hope its good. So D and I head to Carnaval Court, but it is pretty dead so we just grab one drink and people watch a little bit….eh, boring. Off we go to O’Shea’s to see if any of her friends are bartending and luckily one is. We get a couple of drinks and chat with him for a bit. We decide that Margaritaville sounds like a good place to go, so off we go. We have to stand outside to finish our tasty adult beverages and people watch and decide that elderly couples are the best people ever. We finally finish our drinks (it was slow going) and head inside Margaritaville. There were a couple of people dancing who obviously were listening to a different song than everyone else. Things start to get a little hazy but I remember that my role at that bar was “Here’s a twenty, get us more beer, I have to pee.” Over and over again. Apparently I was sporting the infant sized bladder for the night. I did have the best arm candy at the place by far though. You should have seen the guys staring when Drea walked by. Of course, since Drea is obsessed with Toby Keith, I take one for the team (team? What team?) and we go to….Toby Keith’s. I’m wearing my club-setter jeans, Velcro vans, and hardcore band track jacket so I obviously fit right in. I’m pretty sure we thought we had to finish our beers before we went in but after a while I just walked right in with it. Toby Keith’s get a little hazy at this point…so I’m just going to wing it and decide that I did something totally awesome and everyone was completely impressed. Drea may have to fill in some of that. I ended up with a lot of small bills because I kept breaking twenties instead of using fives and tens. Apparently math and drunkenness don’t go hand in hand for me. Eventually, we decided to call it a night. I forgot that I turned the AC all the way up so it was freezing back in my room. The Excali does not have the type of bed I would want and the pillows were utterly useless. I think sleep came at about 5am and I woke up to many unhappy/whiny messages from Drea about being tired and being at work. Glad I put my phone on silent. Friday rolls around and I have basically all day to kill before anyone else arrives. I make my cognac cocktail and stroll to MGM to hop on the monorail. I buy a 3 day pass which I end up using a grand total of…once. Sigh. Almost forgot…I met Sly Stallone and Ray Park (X-men/Star Wars) at MGM. They were there for the UFC fight the next night. You cannot understand a word of what Sly says. Off to Carnaval Court. It’s the usual live bands and flair bartending. The crowd was a bit older this time, which was unusual. There was a group from Australia that included a birthday girl, so they got a lot of attention. Two attention needy girls showed up and tried to get me to act a fool with them on the dance floor but that was basically my cue to leave. I did learn a trick though. Casino Royale has $1 Michelobs and if you take cups from CC and fill them up with dollar beers, you can waltz right back into CC and drink for a lot cheaper. Michelob sucks but I can buy five for the price of one Blue Moon. I’ll drink to that. I figure that I’m going to have to eat at some point since it’s been 27 hours since I’ve had actual food. I also need to be ready for when everyone shows up at Planet Hollywood. I end up back at Excalibur for some McDs and a nap. I take a shower, make another cocktail, and head to Planet Hollywood. I definitely made that walk too many times over the weekend. Actually, before I head there I sign up for my MGM card and promptly lose $25 on video poker. I get the call that everyone has arrived and slowly make my way towards PH. Of course they tell me the room number but not which tower, so it takes me some doing. I finally arrive at one of the two bedroom suites. There view is excellent…you see the Eiffel tower and the Bellagio fountains. Inside the various rooms/areas they have clothing from I Love Lucy, Gilligan’s Island etc… My friend and his girlfriend open up the two bottles of Dom Perignon they brought in their luggage and we toast the birthday girl (my friend’s littlest sister). I end up drinking 3 glasses of the champagne because one girl doesn’t like champagne and there is an extra glass…sweet. The girls are heading to Coyote Ugly (blech) so the three of us decide on Jet. Except it takes us forever to get there and the two guys will have to wait in line for a long time so we decide to cross the street, and I get to go to CC for the 3rd time. Of course we get some $1 beers first. My buddy decides he wants to buy us all some shots. I forgot how huge they pour the shots there. Eventually we put away three (more like 6) shots each. Some drunk girl nearly tackles me and I wonder how a drunk 5’3 110lb woman can take down someone a foot taller and a hundred pounds more than her. The wonders of drunken physics. We close down CC and I grab a taxi. My friend tells me the next day that they both passed out and woke up in their bed fully clothed. Nice. Saturday is the day for a nice Margaritaville lunch. Somehow I end up with a balloon animal on my head. The pulled pork sandwich was pretty tasty though. Pretty uneventful overall. Of course we spend about 3 hours there and by the time all is said and done, its probably best that I head back to get ready. The plan is to hit up Playboy Club for bottle service, but first we need to break in the 21 year old…off to Sahara to meet with another friend and play some craps. I politely decline the gambling and I am glad I do. They all ended up losing money…there were no good rolls. Dodged that bullet. Eventually it is time to go and we end up with a limo bus. Us guys volunteer to pay for it and the girls have fun on the stripper pole. We have 3 people who are 50+ jamming to “Lollipop” and such…good times. The hostess at Playboy Club can’t seem to find our reservation or our discounted bottle comp until we start letting her know exactly how we feel about this problem. She makes some calls and off we go. Our main waitress is bursting out of her top and bubbling over with energy. The bathrooms at Playboy also have naked women on the walls and on the stall doors. We were right in front of the fireplace in a back room that kept us away from the noise and the foot traffic. It’s a very nice looking club and all but I wouldn’t recommend it for party people. We end up with 2 bottles of Kettle One and a bottle of Absolut Citroen….oddly enough we could also choose the same bottle of absinthe I had drank earlier in the week. God, that stuff is gross. The waitress makes me what she calls a 007…Citroen, 7up, and orange juice. Interesting enough for me to drink it all night. The girls kind of come and go to Moon to dance. A group of guys at the next table is leading the way to EPIC FAIL because they chose to get a bottle service at a club where no women are going to come by. Eventually they start trying to talk to the girls in our group…not happening. We wrap up the night (fairly drunk) and everyone is taking the limo bus back. I decide its better just to head back to my hotel as there is no reason to pay two fares to get back. My buddy tells me he’ll cover me for the limo bus, so in I go. We head to the cafÃ© at PH where I eat the worst potato skins in the world and one of the richest dishes of Mac and cheese EVAR. After that, I just want to go to bed so back I go to the Excali. SLEEEEEPPPP. I have to be up in time to meet with everyone to go to the Hilton for the Charger game. The family is wearing Charger jerseys so its obvious why we are there. Of course the Chargers lose because having lots of talent is completely useless to them. Then this Steelers fan decides to wave his hat in my friend’s father’s face…bad idea. Nothing like a 6’5 260lb man screaming at a 5’8 little runt. It was pretty amusing. Poor Steelers fan. Not really. Personally, I would have taken the guy to the ground, but that’s just me. I head back to the Excalibur. I know the girls want to go out that night to RumJungle and I’m sure my friend and his girl want some alone time together so I opt to watch the Sunday night game on my big screen and take a quick nap. Drea comes over and we watch some TV and take a ride over to Mandalay Bay. We get some sandwiches in the cafÃ© and I volunteer to let Drea take the remainder of my tasty, tasty cognac home with her. In the morning, I ride out to the airport on no sleep. My flight is at 6am, I arrive at 7am, and am at work at 745. Ugh. I put in my ten hour shift and grab some Mexican food on the way home. 5 rolled tacos and a carne asada quesadilla later, I am snoozing for 13 straight hours. Overall a good trip…nothing to wild but sometimes its just good to be there. Oh and for once…I did not get a nosebleed. Quotes: I was kind of hoping you’d bring them with you. Whatever. Roughrider. You’ve been watching too many R. Kelly videos. What is champagne anyway? I’m not sure how I feel about the picture of the woman with the camera staring at me while I pee. See? Chicken cutlets! I have to pee. Come here. I got in the shower and it burned. I’m sorry, I don’t speak Drunk. We were definitely a hot mess. Are we taking this shot all at once? Yeah. Ok. (drinks) I thought you said all at once! They fail at life. She had six slices of pizza…I had 6 crusts. I dunno…just charge it to his room. You better not spend the weekend sharting. I’ve heard about you. The poor, poor maid. How come you only call me when I’m naked? They are super cheap online! You’ll probably need to come downstairs in get me so they don’t think I’m a hooker. Blah blah blah Toby Keith blah blah Toby Keith blah Toby Keith. What are you doing tonight? Nothing. Would you like some company? Uhh, maybe another night. WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP SAYING THAT TO ME?!?! (That was an exchange between a hot hot blonde and me..gotta love hookers) Why are there so many hookers in this hotel??!?!?! Have you ever seen the front doors of the Hard Rock? LOLWUT? I’d only stopped 8 times on the elevator on the way down to the lobby when I realized that I’d left my monorail pass in the room. Your heel is sharp and pointy…unlike my toe. You know I go by Andrea right? Ask her if she wants me to call the Wahmbulance... I bet that came in handy, seeing as how you're a registered sex offender. Text message I sent: "Help" Reply: "I guess you didn't need my help after all muahahaha"