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We all try during the Holidays but someone will be sad.....

Discussion in 'Non-Vegas Chat' started by Electroguy563, Dec 19, 2015.

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  1. Electroguy563

    Electroguy563 Over-Fried Gambler

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    Just wanted to post this, maybe some of you can relate to this.

    My Mom is hosting a Christmas party at her house. Nothing fancy, just family and close friends. My mom's sister is visiting along with my cousins whom I haven't seen in 20 years.

    I asked my 3 daughters if they could come and visit, see their 2nd cousins and their grand-aunt. My daughters are all grown up and have their own families so its difficult to juggle time with all the demands of the Holidays and of course their other half's side of the family.

    They haven't visited my Mom for a while and my Mom misses them. My Mom always says she understands but I know deep inside she's sad.

    It makes me sad. My Mom really misses her grandkids.

    I'll keep trying, for the sake of my dear Mom. I just hope my kids will never go through the sadness my Mom is experiencing now.

    "What goes around comes around" they say. I hope this never happens.

    To anybody.
     
    Going to Hawaii's 9th Island!!
    Going to Hawaii's 9th island!!
  2. BlacklabberMike

    BlacklabberMike VIP Whale

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    I understand.... my parents had an ugly divorce when our kids were young and the same sort of thing happened. i feel for you.
     
  3. jamesxnj

    jamesxnj VIP Whale

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    Do they live closeby or is travel required?...Not sure if this would help or make things worse,but would an internet face-to-face meetup be arranged? Just so your Mom could see the what great-grandkids?
     
  4. win4me

    win4me Low-Roller

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    I am sorry Electroguy563. Your Mom is lucky to have a son who cares. Keep trying.
     
  5. UCLAGirl

    UCLAGirl High-Roller

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    This is one of those things that you either start doing when your kids are young or it's never going to happen. I was always around extended family members from both sides as a child. I haven't talked to my dad since I was 10 but I always see that side of the family. I can show up at my aunts' homes at any time unannounced and they will be glad to see me. If my dad is there then they he has to leave out the back door lol. In fact I stopped by an aunt's house on Friday just because I was already a few miles away.

    I've been in a group chat with over 30 members on my mom's side of the family for over a year now. We don't talk all day but we use it to say hi and send pictures. It all started with my mom and her sisters. They then began inviting other family members and it grew.

    If you have cousins who you haven't seen in twenty years then it shouldn't be a surprise that your daughters are doing their own thing. Their children will do the same unless they are married to men whose have families that are closer to one another.

    This is one of the reasons we do family reunions every two-three years. We will be going to Hawaii in the spring and so far 43 people have booked the trip.
     
  6. Geogran

    Geogran OTD Tea Sipper

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    Keep trying Electroguy563 - perhaps a gentle reminder that grandma won't be around forever - fond memories of one more visit now with grandma is far better than a tomorrow of regrets...

    A timely quote:
    What children need most are the essentials that grandparents provide in abundance. They give unconditional love, kindness, patience, humor, comfort, lessons in life. And, most importantly, cookies. ~Rudy Giuliani

    In today's busy, often over scheduled world, competing needs and interests, it is harder to commit, especially when families live far apart, but family does matter and sometimes 'sacrifices' that are made become a lifetime of memories and blessings for everyone.

    In the meantime, schedule some face time or video time with Grandma/Great Grandma and the grandchildren to provide that special moment during the holidays. Wishing you and your family blessings and joy.
     
  7. Electroguy563

    Electroguy563 Over-Fried Gambler

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    Thanks for the kind words, everyone. Just got back from my Mom's party and it was great to see my cousins and my Aunt. As it so played out my kids did not come. I apologized to my Mom and you guessed it, she said she understands.

    I'll keep trying. My kids are really great kids, they just are so 'busy". I think they just need a little gentle lecture as to where priorities lie.

    There's still time. I'm betting (VMB degenerate, LOL!) that after the Holiday craziness ebbs, my Mom will be able to see her grandkids and great-grandkids.

    Thanks again and Happy Holidays to everyone and their loved ones.
     
    Going to Hawaii's 9th Island!!
    Going to Hawaii's 9th island!!
  8. jerseyguy

    jerseyguy VIP Whale

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    Good for you to be the person who cares. I have quite a few kinfolk up in Mass none of whom have ever visited us at the Jersey Shore since we moved here 13 years ago. WE always have to go up to "The Cape" to see them. I think they consider it a big treat for us to go up there to visit. As far as we're concerned "The Cape" is no big deal. This hurts my Mrs. a bit even though it's my family.
    I struck a nerve when one asked recently "When are you guys coming back up?" I replied "Maybe after I see some Mass. plates in my driveway". Maybe we hurt them somehow over the years so they always say we dont want to drive in Jersey.. For Seinfeld fans:: I should bring this up at The Festvus airing of greviences.
     
  9. queuetee

    queuetee High-Roller

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    You didn't give us the background of your family issues.... Did your kids not visit gandma while they were growing up? Apparently there was some kind of breech in the family over the years. If the kids stopped by with you to visit when they were younger, it would be a part of their famiy interaction. Have you ever tried to arrange a visit --even now--not at the busy Christmas time??
    Sorry the pain is there for you and your mother, but it seems that it has been a problem that has not been dealt with for years.
     
  10. LucyR.

    LucyR. VIP Whale

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    My old mother is 94yrs old. She did a great job of breaking up my friendships with all of my relatives. She was born with a selfish self-centered mean streak. She fractured the family buy talking bad about us. I made sure to stay in touch with my two only sisters by asking them if what Mom says is true of what really happened when Mom lies about them. For example; Mom one time said that my sister pushed her out of her car when they went to a casino. The true story is that she fell down by herself.

    My old mom still lies and says that my younger sister is not feeding her food and that Is why she is so skinny. My sister is her care provider. Mom gets Meals on Wheels and has lots of food in her pantry and in the fridge. I take her lots of food. She pays me back by saying as I walk into her place, "YOU ARE FAT".She has always said mean things to me since I was a little girl.

    At Christmas day my Mom will get some relatives and friends who will show up to visit her. But I don't plan to visit her because she just wants to critize sp me. Plus, she will have plenty of company. I don't need to be there since I am a senior who prefers to stay away from my drama queen mother.

    I didn't come from a fun loving family home. I am sure there are other members here who have had a bad experience with parents. I could write a book on my history with my parents. I have one adult son and lots of grandkids and great grand-kids. They live in different cities and different states so I communicate by talking with them on Facebook or going to visit them. I HAVE MY OWN FAMILY and friends to spend time with and don't need to visit my mean mother all the time. I only visit her once in a while.

    I believe that children are supposed to fly away like birds and create their own families. That is what is happening in America. If we have the money we can do that. Some families have 3 generations of family members living together. Times have changed as we become seniors we have to create our own friendships with our adult kids, grandkids and great grandkids. They are the ones that bring me joy as a great grandmother. I am not their priority because they have all created their own families and are now great grandparents themselves. That is what has happened in my family. YES, they do just drop in to visit my old mean mother when they feel like it.

    Two years ago my old mom said to me....."I am going to Timmy's house for Thanksgiving.... what are you going to do?" I used to go visit my mom every year for Thanksgiving so she wouldn't be alone for Thanksgiving. SHE GAVE ME MY FREEDOM. I now go every year cruising on a ship for Thanksgiving. Yeah! My mom has Thanksgiving with a relative.
     
  11. Electroguy563

    Electroguy563 Over-Fried Gambler

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    No, nothing like that. My children visited my Mom regularly in our younger years, when they all were not married with families. Which is why it is so sad. It seems like the usual situation we hear when young families are strained to visit both sides of their partners families during the Holidays.

    I believe my Mom when she says she understands. But she misses them just the same. I just need to remind my kids that they haven't visited her for a while and that they should make time for that.

    As children grow and families get bigger I think these kinds of problems happen.
     
    Going to Hawaii's 9th Island!!
    Going to Hawaii's 9th island!!
  12. leo21

    leo21 VIP Whale

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    It doesn't mean that there are issues. Sometimes you just feel torn and other times you just don't realize that you are losing touch until it's pointed out to you. It could also be that there is too much pressure on younger families to make the rounds when perhaps the visits should be coming their way if possible. I think we all need to be shoved every now and again to make sure we don't let things go so far that you can't get back together.
     
  13. makikiboy

    makikiboy VIP Whale

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    Electro, maybe your kids could visit their grandma some other time of the year? Unfortunately we all get caught up with our families and friends during the holidays so it is hard to just go to grandma's house when this wasn't a tradition. I think the kids have their own things to do, esp going to both sides of their family for the holiday.

    The holidays are always hard for the elderly since they mostly are alone and their friends are all getting old and they don't get together as much. Maybe you could ask your mom over for the holidays instead? Another alternative would be to set up a computer at her home so you all can Skype each other and wish each other a happy holidays? One year my brother took a trip internationally. He Skyped us so we could see him and his wife while we were at our holiday party.

    Good that you try to do things involving your mother. Now that we are all getting older there will be less time to see our elderly relatives and it is getting to be the time where many of them are passing away.

    Even for me, nowadays it seems like the only time I see my relatives is during funerals or weddings. Nobody seems to be picking up the tradition of doing the holiday parties like our folks did when we were younger. I remember all the uncles and aunties and grandma visiting but nowadays the younger ones don't have the big house (or time or effort) to host the party.
     
  14. Electroguy563

    Electroguy563 Over-Fried Gambler

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    Thanks Makiki. You offered some great suggestions. Much appreciated. And I can relate about nobody picking up the tradition of doing Holiday parties like our folks did when we were younger. I'm afraid that when my Mom passes, so will all the traditions. It's so different now. But it really doesn't have to be.
     
    Going to Hawaii's 9th Island!!
    Going to Hawaii's 9th island!!
  15. ken2v

    ken2v This Space For Rent

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    Is it geography? Changing times? Laziness? The simple fact that that Rockwellian vision of a "proper" Christmas really didn't apply that broadly? We all think we're so damn busy with sooooo many demands on our time? Yes, maybe, some, all.

    The big Christmas -- and other -- happenings at my maternal grandparents' place did not happen because of some law or kismet. They made it happen. Sure they had traditions from the Midwest, from "simpler" times, but they stepped up to make it happen. As I kid I just took it all in stride, it's just what "everyone" did. As such traditions largely skipped from my mom's parents to my sister and her hubby/family (PNW) and Terri and me (CA), it was because we made and make it happen. We love to cook, host, entertain, be with folks. We also know someone needs to drive it. And it's not just holidays or family. It could be a spontaneous Tuesday night thing with neighbors. It might be orchestrating a get together in Hawaii. Our soirees lack many of the traditional vestiges attached to various times of year or events. For us the tradition, I guess, is getting folks together.

    Different strokes, for sure.
     
  16. mona

    mona Tourist

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    As families now are spread out through the country the family get togethers are not as important as they were in past generations where people did not move across country as often. Growing up my dad's family (7 kids) all lived within an hour drive except one and they are now back in the area. Though my generation is a little more scattered. We still get together every Christmas before or after the holiday. Those that can or want to come do. We had to quit having it at someones home about 15 years ago because no one had a house big enough. So we rented the church hall, now we have it at a gathering room in a seniors co-op where 2 of the 7 live. If we were all to come there would be about 95 of us. Usually we get about half, this year it was 45. There are a few families (cousins) that never come due to multiple gatherings and ours does not get priority or because they live away from the area and maybe only come home every few years for the holiday or aren't here on the day of the gathering. Alot of us thought that this gathering would peter out after Grandma passed (1985), but that hasn't happened. Anymore it could be the only time we see our cousins.
    My mother was an only child so we never had the issue with having to deal with numerous gatherings, Grandma just always came with us if she wanted.
    With my siblings, 2 are on the east coast, the rest of us (3 of us) are here in the midwest. One doesn't get home often and the other comes homes 2-3 times a year by themselves, every few years with her family. We keep it low key, and get together when we can, never on the holiday because they need to do their own family thing. My folks have always been okay with that. Last year was difficult with mom in the nursing home and dad at the apartment. We got together with him for a few hours between the time he spent at the home with mom. We didn't want to do a big thing at the home as it tired her out too much. This year it will be different as mom just passed away on Dec. 8th. We will spend the day after Christmas with dad, dad is spending Christmas day with my brother and his family.
    So... as someone said, value and treasure the time you do have. You do what you want/need to do with spending time with your elders. I'm grateful that I do live in the same town as my parents and spent 2 afternoons a week at the home with my mom and dad. My sister (in Vermont) would always get mad that my brothers who are in the same state and an hour and 2 hours away that they didn't come see our mom more often. I always told her, don't get so worked up about it, there's nothing you can do about it. It will be their regrets and guilt in the end for not spending more time with her.
     
  17. makikiboy

    makikiboy VIP Whale

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    Actually times are a changing Electro. When I was younger the families would get together and have fun and converse with each other. The kids would be playing cards or board games or just watching tv. The men would probably be watching football all day long. The women would converse or play hearts trumps or rummy or some other card game.

    Nowadays at get togethers the kids (and many teenagers and adults) would have their heads buried in their cel phones playing games or texting or looking at social media most of the time. We have improved our technology but we seem to be losing the art of conversation and people are becoming more rude and unaware of their surroundings with their heads buried in their cel phones.

    Sorry, just ranting, I was at the gym last night trying to work out but many of the machines were taken by idiots who were also on their cel phone much of the time. When I asked them when they would be done with the machine they replied "I'm still using it". No, you were on your cel phone most of the time, every 3 to 5 minutes you would do a set on the machine but the rest of the time your head was buried in your cel phone. Hate that. I leave my cel phone in the locker when I go to the gym so I can concentrate on my work out, I wish that 24 hr fitness would institute that policy so we don't have these people on their cel phones all the time.
     
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