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Tool Definitions:

Discussion in 'Non-Vegas Chat' started by Hobofrank, Oct 28, 2015.

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  1. Hobofrank

    Hobofrank Prime Minister of Idiocracy

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    SKIL SAW:
    A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.

    BELT SANDER:
    An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

    WIRE WHEEL:
    Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh shit'. Will easily wind a tee shirt off your back.

    DRILL PRESS:
    A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

    Channel Locks:
    Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

    HACKSAW:
    One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

    VISE-GRIPS:
    Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
    Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shop and creating a fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

    TABLE SAW:
    A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. Very effective for digit removal!!

    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
    Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

    BAND SAW:
    A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut large pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. Also excels at amputations.

    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
    A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the crap you forgot to disconnect.

    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
    Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

    STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
    A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

    PRY BAR:
    A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

    PVC PIPE CUTTER:
    A tool used to make plastic pipe too short.

    HAMMER:
    Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object you are trying to hit. Also very effective at fingernail removal.

    UTILITY KNIFE:
    Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. These can also be used to initiate a trip to the emergency room so a doctor can sew up the damage.

    SON OF A BITCH TOOL:
    Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a bitch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
     
  2. wanker751

    wanker751 Dutch Rudder Enthusiast

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    I use the sob often
     
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  3. Richard Alpert

    Richard Alpert LOST

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    Awesome glossary of Home Improvement--or rather Hobofrank Improvement--terms!

    Wilson would approve--and fit in on VMB with his hidden face in his pictures!

    Thanks for posting, frank!
     
  4. CJ's

    CJ's Low-Roller

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    You been doing some home DIY Frank?

    I have several SOB tools myself

    You neglected to mention

    THE IMPACT / HAMMER DRILL
    A tool used to poke holes in walls in approx. the correct position, whilst scraping pretty swirly patterns on decorated surfaces, to hang your tools on for quick SOB deployment.
    May also be used to fracture the tiny bones in your wrist thus rendering the further use of any other tools impossible. Shoulder dislocation is an optional choice if operating the drill cacky handed
     
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  5. Breeze147

    Breeze147 Button Man

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    Also for Hammer:

    Tool used to pound screws into wood. Screwdrivers are used only for destroying screw heads when trying to remove screws that were driven in crooked by the hammer.

    Hammer - Tool used to destroy drywall.

    Power Screwdriver - See above

    Spackle - Used to attempt to repair above.

    Hilti Gun - Tool used to shoot oneself in the foot when .22 Caliber pistol is unavailable.

    Good thread, Frank!
     
  6. Hobofrank

    Hobofrank Prime Minister of Idiocracy

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    Ha

    so a "multi-tasker" in other words?

    eggsellent

    I also forgot
    Sawzall- a tool used to dismember bodies into easily disposable parts.. alternate uses?...
    cutting metal pipe, framing and drywall
     
  7. hammie

    hammie VIP Whale

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    Adjustable Wrench:
    Used to round off the head of the nut or bolt you're trying to unfasten; quickly becomes a son of a bitch tool.
     
  8. FullBoat

    FullBoat VIP Whale

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    The tool that never fits any bolt except to round the head. Then transforms into the SOB tool, and puts a new dent into the wall.
     
  9. bardolator

    bardolator Lifelong Low Roller

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    Always wondered what the difference was between a metalworker's tools and mine. We wood guys have no SOB tool. We use the Goddammit Awl to start holes in the right place instead of where they started, and the Shit Chisel to extricate screws that no longer have heads.

    When the table saw hurls the workpiece into the basement wall, we are quiet- very quiet.
     
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