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Some Humour to lighten the day

Discussion in 'Non-Vegas Chat' started by redzone, May 6, 2014.

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  1. redzone

    redzone Low-Roller

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    Those of you in the 50 + age group will really appreciate this.

    The rest of you will soon understand what we are laughing about.

    Caveat: Since reading the "Do you lie post" I want to be clear these things did not happen to me personally. I have no idea who wrote this.:Þ

    ONE

    Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.

    I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

    'We don't have a half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.

    'You don't?' I replied.

    'We only have six, nine or twelve.' was the reply.

    'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets but I can order six?'

    'That's right.'

    So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

    (Unbelievable but sadly true...)

    (Must have been the same one I asked for sweetener and she said they didn't have any, only Splenda and sugar.)

    TWO

    I was checking out at the local Coles with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.

    After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking all over for the bar code so she could scan it.

    Not finding the bar code, she said to me. 'Do you know how much this is?'

    I said to her 'I've changed my mind. I don't think I'll buy that today.'

    She said 'OK.' and I paid her for the things and left.

    She had no clue to what had just happened.

    ( But the lady behind me had a big smirk on her face as I left)

    THREE

    A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.

    When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.' (Keep shuddering!!)

    FOUR

    I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked. She replied. 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door opener. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'

    'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.

    'No, just this remote thingy.' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied. 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'

    PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!

    FIVE

    Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies. Brunette, by the way!!

    SIX

    A mother calls 000 very worried asking the operator if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The operator tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine. The mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'

    Operator: 'Rush him in to emergency right now!'

    Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid!!!! (John Wayne)

    Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh....it is all true…

    =======================

    Perks of reaching 60 or being over 70 and heading towards 80!

    01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

    02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

    03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

    04. People call at 9 PM and ask. "Did I wake you?"

    05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

    06.There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

    07.Things you buy now won't wear out.

    08.You can eat supper at 5 PM.

    09.You can live without sex but not your glasses.

    10.You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

    11.You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

    12.You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

    13.You sing along with elevator music.

    14.Your eyes won't get much worse.

    15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

    16.Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the Weather Bureau.

    17.Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

    18.Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

    19.You can't remember who sent you this list.

    20. And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

    Forward this to everyone you can remember right now!
     
  2. Joe

    Joe VIP Whale

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    Good stuff!:thumbsup: There are a couple I'm a little skeptical of, but I believe most of them.
     
    Christmas
  3. sweetcanadian

    sweetcanadian High-Roller

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    I have seen these before. Some are pretty funny. I wouldn't believe the ant killer one though.
     
  4. Kickin

    Kickin Flea

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    Good thing he didn't ask for a litre of cola!

    http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/6753fb4e41/super-troopers-liter-of-cola (audio NSFW)
     
  5. GeorgeandTheBear

    GeorgeandTheBear Low-Roller

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    My Favorite Animal

    Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

    She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

    My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

    I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of RSPCA

    He said they love animals very much.

    I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.

    I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

    The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.

    I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

    She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

    I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

    Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.

    I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...
     
  6. Breeze147

    Breeze147 Button Man

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    I lol'd on #5. I can really see that.
     
  7. LV_Bound

    LV_Bound VIP Whale

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    Thanks for the laugh. :thumbsup:
     
  8. Backagain1

    Backagain1 High-Roller

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    Loved them, all!
     
  9. smartone

    smartone VIP Whale

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    That was my favorite one too!
     
  10. zamboni

    zamboni VIP Whale

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    This is a true story, it happened right in front of me:

    The convenience store in my hometown had full serve gas on Saturday, and I was 15 and hired to pump gas there. They rented out VHS tapes and a woman took one to the front counter and the clerk making small talk told her "I see you were in the mood for a classic, you're renting a Black and White movie" Not joking the lady looked at her and said "It won't be in B&W, I have a color TV."

    :faint:
     
    Super Bowl 2017!!!!
    Super Bowl 2017!!!
  11. Backagain1

    Backagain1 High-Roller

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    Too funny.
     
  12. dfalk

    dfalk VIP Whale

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    A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done. Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.
     
  13. Smo

    Smo Mr. Las Vegas

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    True story:
    This happened to me last year -

    Made a Dr's appointment in town and arrived early. Apparently they had moved their office recently and left no sign on the door with the new address. I don't have a cell phone (got rid of it ten years ago), but I had my wifi enabled HP TouchPad. Next I pull up in the local Carl's jr parking lot, they have free wifi there, so I could find the new Dr's office location or a phone number.

    Went into the restaurant and had no wifi connection at all. So I waited in line and asked the teen aged kid at the counter what's up with the wifi?
    He said, "Oh, it's been down for a few days now!"
    That doesn't help me.
    Earlier, upon entering the Carl's jr, I had noticed they had a pay phone out front.
    So now I asked the clerk if they had a phone book I could use.

    After a very long pause, the kid looks up at me and says, "What's a phone book?"


    I never made it to the Dr that day. :faint:
     
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