Here you go boys and girls! This one is long (15 pages in word) so read at your own risk and if you make it all the way through kudos to you! I wrote most of this on the road back from moving Bliss to Vegas so ignore all misspellings, grammatical errors, and things that just don't make sense.... There could have been so many different titles to this report, but I had to pick one and since â€œJust one dammit!â€ was used so very, very much I had to go with that. Wednesday: I went to the office and got a call from my client that her mother had a massive heart attack and she had to leave town immediately. I called opposing counsel to inform her that the settlement facilitation scheduled for Thursday, as well as the docket call on Monday had to be rescheduled. I left the office around 4:30 and called Kikky who was still driving about the town with BeachCrazy and Shock spending big bucks on party supplies. After a quick chat, she passed the phone to Beach who immediately started in with the â€œGirl I wish you were here!â€ and was quickly followed by â€œGet on a plane!â€ Well, I didnâ€™t have anything I had to be here for so I told her Iâ€™d check to see if there was a flight out tonight when I got back to my home. I arrived home at about 5:10 and quickly pulled up the flight schedules and found the last flight out at 7:50 was still available. Score! Now to get a hold of Marty to see if he could switch my outgoing flightâ€¦DAMN voicemail. Call Kikky and advise of my situation. She graciously offers up a free flight from her account to get me out there tonight. SCORE! A quick call to hubby goes like this: Me: Hi baby! Where are ya? Hubby: Iâ€™m almost home. Me: Cool. Do you think you could hurry home and then take me to the airport? Hubby: Why? Me: Cuz Iâ€™m going to go to Vegas tonight instead of tomorrow. Thereâ€™s a 7:50 flight out tonight and Becky is hooking me up. Hubby: Why? Me: Becky and Angy are peer pressuring me. Hubby: Well thatâ€™s not a good reason. Me: Then how about because I can. Hubby: *sigh* Me: And I want to surprise Patti. Hubby: *heavy sigh* I guess so. Iâ€™ll be home in about ten minutes. Me: THANK YOU! Iâ€™ll see you soon! Iâ€™ve got to go pack! Hubby: Okay. A call back to Kikky who books my flight, and major begging her not to breathe a word to Patti about my adjusted arrival should she talk to her before I see her, some massive last-minute-packing and Iâ€™m schlepping my two suitcases down the stairs when Hubby walks in the door. A quick kiss and then I tell him we have to go now, cuz the flight leaves in about an hour and a half. He helps me load my stuff into the Jeep and away we go. That ride consisted of a lot of me saying how much I appreciate him doing this for me. I can grovel when I need to. Checked my bags in and headed to security. Seven minutes after Hubby dropped me off Iâ€™m at my gate where I learn that my flight has been delayed an hour. Apparently something mechanical broke on the plane when it was in El Paso and they needed to fix it. Fine. I head off to the smoking lounge where I ask for a Corona. They donâ€™t have it, but they have Sol. WTF??? Random guy tells me it tastes the same, so I order one and commence to smoking while reading Crime and Punishment to pass the time. Head back to the gate where Iâ€™m first in the A line. While Iâ€™m there I decide to post from my cell phone and the next thing I know Iâ€™m on the plane heading to Mecca. High tail it down to baggage claim where Iâ€™m soon met by Kikky who pops my Kikkymobile cherry and long hauls me through the tunnel and down to the IP where she quickly drops me off and heads back to the airport to pick up the next arrivals. I haul my crap up to the PH which I was lucky enough to share with Beach and Patti. Knock. Knock. Patti opens the door and screams! What a great greeting! She also hung up on Shock accidentally. Itâ€™s so good to be loved. Big hug for Patti and then I actually go inside the suite to hug Beach who was, appropriately, standing behind the bar. Drop my crap off in the room Patti and I were sharing and then thereâ€™s another knock. I open it up and thereâ€™s SanonofreSurfer. He looked mildly shocked to see me open the door. I guess I canâ€™t expect everyone to squeal with delight when they see me. Next thing I know Jer, Shock, and JoeVegas all show up and hugs are given liberally. It was the first time Iâ€™d had the pleasure of meeting JoeVegas and he even hugged me! We ordered some room service pizza and started to scarf it down. That was the first time I ate anything this trip and Iâ€™ll be damned if people didnâ€™t keep trying to kill me by making me crack up every time I took a bite. For those of you that have yet to get to a group thing, I must warn you that this bunch is completely hilarious and eating in their presence is hazardous. Beach and Jer head off to get him checked into Paris while the rest of us head over to the Oâ€™Shays pool haul. Who knew they had coin tables there? Shock, JoeVegas, Patti and I commence to play and find out that Joe is a pool shark. Patti and I win the first game cuz some dolt scratched on the 8 and the boys win the second game due to Joeâ€™s mad pool skillz. We get the call from the Paris group that we have to get there now-Jer has a penthouse suite. We all lollygag over and head up to Jerâ€™s â€œNiceâ€ penthouse. DAYUM! I head straight to the guest bathroom which was pretty damn nice and then we proceeded to take in the view. Patti, Beach and I left some smudges on the windows in the living room from taking in that view. Next thing I know Surfer is cracking up telling us that he just got shot in the head by the bidet! We all head into the master bath where Surfer hits the water on the bidet and the stream hits the ceiling! Beach and I were fighting over who got to use it first when I got distracted by the jetted tub. We noted that it smelled like bleach which is a definite positive as one could use the tub without having to scrub it first. Eventually, Beach walks up to me and asks me if want to bite her cookie. Of Course! I mean, really now, who on this planet could resist that? Poor Jerâ€¦they left cookies in his room that were apricot filled and he didnâ€™t get any of them cuz Beach and I polished them off handily. Time to head out, but first we stop at the hooker bar in Paris. The pickins were slim that night, but we did manage a spotting while waiting for our adult beverages. At some point someone got the idea to make some late night drunk dials to those arriving the next day. Not sure WHO thought that was a good idea. Someone (Surfer?) mentioned that it would be good to go to the Frontier this weekend since it may not be around much longer and to play Sigma Derby so off we went. Beach and Jer said nay, nay to Sigma Derby with us so they went off to the tables while we all grabbed some quarters and fed the ponies. That game is slightly addictive and it was too funny to see a bunch of us drunk asses sitting around yelling at Mechanical Animals (MM reference, sorry I couldnâ€™t resist) and each other. After a bit we were joined by three boys who were quite fun (read they took our shit with a smile) and we were all betting with the guy who kept winning. After a bit the blackjack table was calling so we headed on down to the tables. Played a few hands and then moved over to roulette for a bit. Suddenly, I heard the craps table softly whispering to me: â€œsinâ€¦you know you want to rub up on me.â€ Bought in for a hundy and played for hours. Surfer and I played so long that everyone else was sitting at the bar looking like they were about to nod off. Well, Beach didnâ€™t look quite as bad as the rest because she was chatting up a hooker. Thinking back, I sort of wish Iâ€™d been in on that conversation. There are some questions that I need answers to. Oh, well, maybe next time. Towards the end of our craps epic Surfer tells me that I need to call him something cool when he shoots and so I started calling him Dirty Daddy. It worked! Surfer and I finally cashed out and we both made money. It was sweet. Here is where the party breaks up. Everyone else was ready for bed however Patti and I were hungry and when we get hungry that means an early morning visit to Ellis Island. Surfer went with us to get our grub on. That was some tasty food Iâ€™m telling ya! Iâ€™m sure you could probably guess this but I didnâ€™t get through this meal without those two yahoos trying to kill me multiple times. Oh, nay, nay! This is where the phrase â€œJust one!â€ was born. I would beg to be allowed to finish â€œjust oneâ€ meal all weekend long. When it was time to leave the sun was up and Patti wanted to walk. Yeah, to the lilâ€™ Canuck it seemed like summer, but to Surfer and I it was most certainly winter. She took us through the back route that leads to Harrahâ€™s valet and then we headed up to the IP. At this point its 7 am and I get a call from a client. After shushing them both and doing my best to appear somewhat sober I finish the call and we head to our respective rooms where we crash out for a couple of hours. Thursday: Patti and I rolled our butts out of bed and took an eternity to complete the morning ritualsâ€¦.just ask Surfer who was waiting for us to finish so we could run some errands that weâ€™d planned before we even got to Vegas. Hit up a couple of shops and got a gift for Patti, one for Chef, bleach for Beachâ€™s tub and a couple of party favors for the Party at the Palace. It was time to eat so we hit up In N Out for a quick bite. We got the regular burgers since it was 5 and we were all meeting up with Jack21 and others at Pullman around 6:30. Now, we all know my absolute love of the In N Out (get your damn minds out of the gutter people!) so one would think that my dear friend Surfer and my conjoined twin Patti would have let me enjoy this meal without cracking jokes and trying to kill me. Oh, nay, nay! Once again I almost shot solid food out of my nose and begged to be allowed to finish my half hamburger without the constant onslaught of their humor. â€œJust one dammit!â€ No matter how much I begged, my pitiful pleas went unanswered. *Sigh* Hit the room and got all spiffed up for dinner and a show. We didnâ€™t make Doc, Terry, Shock, and Marty wait for us to get ready for quite as long as we kept Surfer waiting so they should be happy about that even though this was the second time he had to wait on us. Although with the massive quantities of booze in our room, at least the wait was pleasant. This would also mark the first time that I paid enough attention to hear Beach tell Shock to come curl her hair. That cracked me up, because, well, Shock is from one of the Big Hair states. Of course, he refused. Then I hear these words escape her lips: â€œTerry! Get in here and curl my hair bitch!â€ Now that was some quality smack if Iâ€™ve ever heard it! We decide that there are so many of us that we should just take a limo down to MSS to meet up with Eric and the rest of the crew. I canâ€™t find our driverâ€™s card from last time so we make a quick call to Kikky who gives us his number. I call him and heâ€™s in San Diego so he tells me he already called his buddy who will be there in about 10 minutes and will call me. As we are walking to the elevator Marty decides to moon us and all I can think of is this: MARTY WEARS TIGHTY WHITEYS! Too funny. We stumble downstairs because, well, weâ€™re drunk, and not long after we regroup in front of the hotel the limo arrives. We all pile in and I fight with Marty over the window seat. It should be obvious, but some of you may need to be toldâ€”I won. Shock asks for a lappie, and while conditions are a tad too cramped for a truly good one, I do the best I can with my limited space and then head back to my seat. We all pile out and Marty picked up the tab. THANKS MARTY!!! I grabbed the driverâ€™s card, because I was sure weâ€™d need him again and we head into MSS and directly towards Pullman Grille where everyone is waiting for us, because we are late as usual. After hugs and kisses and me trying to get certain people to move over a couple of chairs so I could sit by Jack21 without success, we order some booze and then quickly order food. Beach and I shared the filet and lobster tail. The filet was very tasty and cooked close to the way we ordered it, but the lobster was overcooked. It was still tasty and all, but I had to use my steak knife to cut it. We ate in record time because some of us had to haul ass over to the Golden Nugget for Don Rickles. However, Iâ€™m sure you can surmise that this was not Just one Dammit! Oh, nay, nay dear reader. Everyone was on top form tonight and it is a very lucky thing indeed that I escaped without anyone having to perform the Heimlich maneuver on me. With lightning speed we walked over there and it is here that I must give big thanks to Slayer who allowed me to take his arm on the way over. Not only was I drunk, but I felt the need to wear the fuck-me heels that night. Slayer got me there in one piece and I am grateful for that. Surfer had reserved our tickets so we had to seek out the will call window while Jack21, Kikky, Doc, Patti and Slayer got to head right on in. Luckily, Surfer took pity on me and didnâ€™t run through the casino. We got our tickets and run-walked back up to the showroom where we quickly found our seats. Since I insist on doing boy-girl seating I got the seat between Surfer and Doc. The All American Stick Insect was singing so I leaned over to Doc to find out where the bar was and to ask him what he was drinking. He had a vodka Redbull which I took a sip of, since Iâ€™d never tried it before. It was tasty. I asked Surfer if he wanted a drink, but he declined as did Doc. I asked Jack and Kikky and Patti if they wanted one, but they were good so I scooched my ass out of our row and past the mouth breather who refused to move a single inch to let me by. Slayer was sitting on the aisle so I asked him if he was ready for another drink. As one would expect, he was ready for some additional booze. When I asked him what he was drinking he told me he didnâ€™t know so I took a sip and recognized the vodka Redbull at once. I told him what he was drinking and he ordered another. I hit the bar and picked up Slayerâ€™s beverage of the moment and a Corona then headed back into the theater to scooch my ass back past Mr. Navel Lint and into my seat where I marveled at Stick Insectâ€™s ability to get enough oxygen into her skeleton to breathe, much less sing. Before long, the Master shuffled out onto the stage. My first thought was wow this may not be good, but then he started in on his bandleader and It.Was.On! As previously mentioned, I beat the hell out of Docâ€™s left arm while the Master was throwing the jokes left and right. Iâ€™m glad I had enough sense to stop trying to drink my Corona after the first time I almost choked on it. Of everything that we did during the Madness this was the one that Iâ€™m most happy I did. Rickles is classic Vegas and at 80 he may not be around that much longer to entertain us so big props go out to Jack for the idea and even bigger props to Surfer for having the amazing insight to secure an extra ticket when he called and then allowing me to have it. After the show we met up with everyone else at the Plaza. For you Stephen King fans I have now figured out why the Walking Dude set up shop thereâ€”it is so hot in there it must sit above the mouth of hell! The highlight of this part for me was finally meeting Smarra! She and I have had some wicked chat sessions so it was great to finally meet her in person. We werenâ€™t there long before we headed to the blackjack tables at Pattiâ€™s Club. I bought in for a hundy, got a couple of Coronas and then it was time to go. I cashed out with an extra $10 and then we all rolled on over to Binionâ€™s to play some poker. On the way in Slayer and I got sidetracked by the hotties riding the mechanical bull. That was good entertainment! Once we pried ourselves away from the eye-candy we hit the poker room where we saw one of the most beautiful sights in this world: A table full of T2Vers. And best yet, my girl Smarra was there! Slayer took a seat and I noticed that Beach wasnâ€™t around so I told Jer to take the other empty seat and found Beach right where I expected to, on the dance floor. We were there forever and at some point I took the fuck-me heels off and the flip flops on. Smarra was good enough to let me put my bag under her chairâ€”THANKS GIRL! Beach and I were occasionally joined by BigTips while we were getting our groove on. A while later Doc came over to join us. Doc can shake that booty! We met a lot of people that night and I invited some of them to the Party at the Palace. We met this one guy in a cowboy hat who swore heâ€™d come party with us along with the dealer guy whoâ€™d gone and changed shirts on his break so he could dance with us. After leaving Binionâ€™s I pulled a Beach and fell down. Only unlike Beach, who tends to fall on carpet, I fell on the concrete sidewalk. Yes, dear readers, my feet just shot right out from under me for no good reason and yours truly landed smack on her ass. As if that werenâ€™t enough, I hit so hard I bounced! My ass still hurts today. Eventually we decided it was time to leave and head back towards home base. The next thing I know it was like noon and I hadnâ€™t slept yet. Friday Upon entering I found Sticky, Mikey and Beach sitting around telling stories of the previous evening. I missed a doozie apparently. I wasnâ€™t the only one who hadnâ€™t slept because Beach was also burning the reserves. As was usual for the weekend other attendees started trickling into the Suite. Shock turned up as did Surfer and then Doc and Slayer made their appearance. Jer also popped in with his luggage after checking out of the Paris and he Patti and I ordered club sandwiches from room service and got our grub on with Patti making many attempts on my life and Jer joining in just for the sport of it I think. At some point, Sticky left as did Mikey but not before we made plans for him to bring his cooler and ice up before the party. While Doc was behind the bar making Bloody Maryâ€™s I hit the shower after Patti and we proceeded to get ready for the eveningâ€™s festivities. I was completely dissatisfied with what Iâ€™d packed at this point so Patti decided to dress me. We put on a little fashion show during the outfit selection process that I think was witnessed by some of the boys of the group. Luckily I never saw any flashes or heard any cameraâ€™s clicking because those outfits were not for public viewing (people-minds-out-of-gutter we werenâ€™t parading around nekkid or anything-they outfits just werenâ€™t â€œrightâ€ for the events we had plannedâ€”SHEESH!). Patti eventually decided what she was wearing and what I was wearing. Once we were ready, Slayer suggested Maggianoâ€™s for dinner. Snert had shown up at some point so he joined us as did Shock, Doc, and Marty. On the walk over our big group got separated into two with me, Patti, Slayer and Doc in one. We were having a great time walking along talking smack to each other, hitting the escalators to the walking bridgesâ€¦.just total silliness. A call was placed to the other group to determine their location (read: to make sure they didnâ€™t get sucked into a casino along the way) and we all met up in front of Maggianoâ€™s to wait for our table. Once we were seated we ordered our booze and began to peruse the menu, the waiter suggested we do family style since there were so many of us. We decided that was a good idea so we started working on deciding what we were going to get. You choose 2 appetizers, 2 salads, 2 pastas, 2 meats and 2 desserts. We chose the to-die-for stuffed mushrooms and the exquisite tomato-mozzarella appetizers. Next up were the Caesar and chopped salads, both of which were great. Four our pasta we chose baked ziti with sausage and four cheese ravioli with a basil alfredo sauce and neither disappointed. Moving on to the meat course we had veal picatta and chicken parmesan. I donâ€™t eat veal, but I heard no complaints from anyone and the chicken was perfectly cooked and very tasty. Finally our crÃ¨me brule and vanilla bean ice cream with hot fudge appeared and all was right with the world. During the meal, Patti noticed the accordion player walking around and started singing some incredibly wrong song every time she saw him. We were seated right next to the piano player and a table with a family that had a couple of 2 year olds with them. Poor kids got an early education methinks. The pianist started playing towards the end of the meal and the little boys started dancing. Next thing I know, Patti is chair dancing with the toddlers and teaching them some moves that would be inappropriate to teach older children, but since they were so little, it was actually cute. Patti is a corrupter of youth. Iâ€™m sure youâ€™ve figured out by now, that everyone kept trying to kill me with their incessant humor. Patti swears I shot pasta out of my nose at some point, but I donâ€™t believe her. I spent the meal laughing so hard my sides were sore and my face hurt while clamping a napkin over my face and holding one finger up (dammit, what do you people take me for? Get your minds out of the gutter!) half-laughing out my plea of â€œJust One dammit.â€ Of course, no one took me seriously and they just made a game of it. Some other interesting things happened during dinner. I got a text message from one of the random guys Iâ€™d invited to the party the night before. It was one of many asking where we were because, as usual, we were late. He was on his way over to the Palace so that pretty much dictated that it was time to leave. Chef called to say he was on his way to the party and when we told him we were just leaving dinner he offered to pick us up. I told him there were 7 of us, but he said he had a big vehicle so I told him to come on down. Slayer, Snert and Doc decided to walk back so it was just Patti, Shock, Marty and I who would partook of the now traditional Chef-schlep. On the way out of the mall Patti and I hit Hot Topic to grab a couple of tiaras and then we crossed the street where Chef picked us up in his car on the side of the road. Turns out it was a good thing that the other boys walked back, because that was definitely not a vehicle big enough for all of us. Patti and I shared the front seat as is our tradition and Chef hauled us over to the IP. Knowing his aversion to valet and not wanting to schlep up from the parking garage (or have Chef carry me) I asked him to drop us girls off at the front. He obliged, and for some strange reason Shock got out too. Of course that lead to everyone calling him a lady for the rest of the night. We hightailed it up to the party where we found many of our people already getting their party on. We also noticed a tall guy in a cowboy hat at the end of the bar. We moseyed over and re-introduced ourselves to him and promptly told him he had to join the board since he was at the board party and that his screen name should be â€œPickUpâ€ since we picked him up at Binionâ€™s. Much fun was had during the party as you can tell from the pictures others have posted. At some point, Patti and I took over the Bar Mistress duties from Beach and we spent a lot of time making adult beverages for everyone and cleaning up the many party-foul spillages that occur when there is that much free booze available. PickUpâ€™s friend showed up after a while and I found a kindred spirit as he was a fellow MM lover. I have lots of MM on my i-pod so I fired it up and he and I spent quite some time singing along. He had a great voice and I was completely entertained until it was time for them to leave. Oh yeah, before he even got there we dubbed him â€œPickUpbyAssociationâ€ just in case you ever see him around here. Patti and I like giving cute boys nicknames. Tonya and I tried to get some alone time to do some girl-talk, but that wasnâ€™t meant to be. I did meet Stuffic and I warned her about the Spicy Beavers, but apparently she didnâ€™t heed my warnings because later in the evening I heard her tearing a strip off of Mikey about them. Finally met 3Cats and got a card from her to pass on to Bliss who will soon be buying a house out in Vegas. I spent some time talking with Drea and her awesome boyfriend Aaron as well as many other new people and the usual suspects. At some point Patti disappeared and I found her helping Scott through his near-derailment. PokerStudCowboy made an appearance and drank some beer with us before heading back to the room to check on Kikky who was wisely back at TI avoiding a migraine. I had a couple of friends from town come by, but they werenâ€™t able to stay long as they just stopped by in midst of their party caravan. Jefferson and his hottie wife MissChips stopped by and so I finally got to meet them too. I know there was a whole bunch of other people there and no one should be offended if I didnâ€™t mention your name. After all, this is a trip report and not roll-call =O) More big props go out to the many gentlemen who helped Patti and I clean up throughout the evening. YOU BOYS ROCK! I had a great time at the party, but the lack of sleep started to catch up to me so I kicked everyone out of the room around 1:30 and crashed hard. Saturday POKER TOURNEY DAY! Due to my inability to stay up for yet another day, I do believe I was the only person who actually got full nights sleep. I woke up and started rousing Patti and Beach around 11. Beach was out like a light so Patti and I ordered room service for breakfast. We also got 2 pots of coffee because Jer wasnâ€™t hungry, but needed something to kick him in the ass and get him moving. Shortly after our food arrived so did Doc and Terry. Doc proceeded to follow his daily first trip to the PH ritual of making Bloody Maryâ€™s but we were out of plain vodka (we had some raspberry) so he had to use Bacardi. Patti and I were eating and drinking coffee and baileys while Jer was just downing coffee and Doc and Slayer were downing the Rum Maryâ€™s. I couldnâ€™t eat any more so I passed my plate over to Slayer who finished it off for me. This point is important for later. Patti and I hopped in the shower and I made a call to Surfer to tell him Iâ€™d be down to his room soon. I lost a football bet and today was pay day. The boys all made their way downstairs and Patti and I got ready in a surprisingly short amount of time. Of course, we were running late anyway. Hit Surferâ€™s room where the dog collar was affixed to my neck and the leash attached. Down we go to the tourney. The people in the elevator sure did get a kick out of my humiliation. Come to think of it, so did Surfer and Patti for that matter. Once we got off the elevator we had a very long walk through the casino to get to the poker room. Surfer made sure to lead me through the most populated route and Patti made sure to howl every so often so that the people that didnâ€™t see me were sure to look. As we approached the poker room I hear the hoots of laughter and know that Iâ€™ve been spotted. I walk up and hand over my buy in, get my seat assignment and then tell the guy that â€œI am paying for my King too.â€ Surfer then releases me from my leash so we can take our assigned seats. Iâ€™m freaked when I see my table! Some guy I donâ€™t know is on my left (I later found out this was ERockâ€™s buddy), then Jefferson, PokerStudCowboy, Jer, BigStogie, MissChips, Mikey, and Marty. Iâ€™m so fucked. I keep telling myself to fold until someone else has to wear the damn Strippers Direct to You shirt. Not very long after that I get a pair of queens. Shit. I have to play these. I put my money in and pray. Perhaps someone else can remember the sequence of events better because I was just scared shitless when MissChips goes all in. Iâ€™m shaking like a leaf, absolutely freaking out because of all the stories Jeff has told me about her poker prowess. I finally decide its all or nothing and call knowing full well that Iâ€™m about to wear the Stripper shirt. We turn over our cards and sheâ€™s got a pair of Jacks. The next few moments were horrid as I wait to put on the yellow shirt of shame. HOLY SHIT! I won that??? Kikky comes over and reminds me to breathe as MissChips gets the shirt of shame. WHEW! At this point Iâ€™m big stack at the table. Steve is laughing at me because Iâ€™m so freaked out and offers to buy me a shot of tequila. This sounds good so I take him up on it. He orders it from our lovely waitress who drops off a double. HOLY SHIT! She didnâ€™t bring me any limes though so I couldnâ€™t drink it right away. At some point I got a pair of 8s and limped in. BigStogie was raising like a pain in my ass and I just kept calling. Flop brings and 8 and Iâ€™m happy. BigStogie raises, I call. I canâ€™t remember if it was the turn or the river but another 8 hits and I felt myself perk up. DAMMIT! A tell, but luckily BigStogie wasnâ€™t looking at me so he missed it although I think he was the only one. He bets a fair amount and I call. I win the hand, but get hammered by the rest of the table for not playing it right. Oh well. I did what I did and everyone understood that I really have no clue when it comes to betting strategy so all was forgiven. Props to BigStogie though for telling me I could have knocked him out had I played it rightâ€”it takes a big man to admit that heâ€™d have been toast if I hadnâ€™t fucked it up. Not long after this we get moved around. I did my shots since I finally got some limes and I was LIT! I limped around for awhile and tried to play a couple people out, but I didnâ€™t have the guts. I ended up being 11th out again but Becky was in Representing the Boobies so at least the girls got a little further this year. At some point in the midst of this mayhem I am told that there are birds flying around the PH and Beach is locked in her room. I started to go take care of it for her, but am told that Shock is already on the case. All I can say is this must have been Pattiâ€™s fault because Slayer and I ate all of my food =O) I took a seat next to Sticky and Slayer at the losers table and bought in for a hundy. I told Slayer that I had to drink 4 bottles of water before anymore booze and he obliged by making sure the water kept coming. We were hammering on each other and talking smack, but Sticky and I couldnâ€™t get a decent hand to save our life. We just kept folding and folding. Iâ€™d fold then sheâ€™d fold then Iâ€™d say 3/2 off and sheâ€™d reply with 2/8 offâ€¦it sucked. While the poker gods were not on our side, we sure did have a lot of fun at that table. Larry even put on the dog collar and let me put the leash on himâ€¦.heâ€™s a gracious man since Iâ€™m the one who lost that betâ€¦.Damn Broncos! Eventually I look over and see a familiar face hovering near the table. LVDawn turned up so, being me and being drunk I walked over to her and took it upon myself to introduce everyone. It was great to meet her and hopefully weâ€™ll get to share an adult beverage in the future. I take my seat again and still got nothing. I was perfectly content to sit there an try to play any hand that came my way, but so few did that I didnâ€™t end up playing very much. Before you know it, evil bastard dealer Mike hit our table and the mood got very much killed. A couple of people who werenâ€™t associated with our group sat down and someone cried foul as this was a private table. Fuckwad Mike looks over at them and says â€œIf I were you I wouldnâ€™t play at this table.â€ Doc calls game-over and asks Mike to have some racks sent over. Dickweed responds with â€œTheyâ€™re over at the deskâ€ or some such shit and we all stand up while Doc heads over to get us some racks. He hooks us up and we load up and leave. At the desk weâ€™re all bitching and the poker room manager asks me what happened. I told him. He said this wasnâ€™t the first complaint. I asked if others in our group already told him about this and he said the complaints hadnâ€™t come from our group. I told him that with dealers like that we werenâ€™t likely to be back and we are a big poker playing bunch. He said heâ€™d take care of it. I hope he did because that guy fucked up our afternoon. Kikky and PokerStudCowboy had made reservations for dinner at Table 34 so the three of us and Shock made our way over to TI to catch a ride in the Kikkymobile. On our way over we made a quick stop in Carnival Court so I could say hi to Flippy and grab a couple of beers for the trek. We met Kikky down in front and it wasnâ€™t too long before her ride appeared and we were off. Donâ€™t ask me where this place is, all I know is I saw a sign for the airport on the way. The restaurant was really nice though and the waiter had the patience of a saint as Patti and I were in rare form that evening. I settled on the mac n cheese with proscutto and English peas the moment I laid eyes on it. Patti couldnâ€™t decide so in between fits of raucous laughter she told the waiter to surprise her. She got scallops as an appetizer and talk about a foodgasm! They were to-die-for. My entrÃ©e came and I plowed right on in. Shoulda known better thoughâ€”Patti and Shock kept up the tradition of trying to kill me and I swear I laughed so hard I damn near fell out of my chair. Patti swears I shot pasta out of my nose again, but I donâ€™t believe her. I spent more time with my napkin clamped over my mouth holding that finger up than I did actually eating my food! Just one dammit!!! I made a valiant attempt at finishing that bowl of goodness, but alas, I couldnâ€™t seal the deal. So I got it boxed up since we had a fridge back at the PH. We picked a dessert and Patti and I shared it. I canâ€™t remember what it was at the moment, but Iâ€™m sure it had chocolate fudge on it and I do remember it being hella tasty and really rich. We left Table34 and Iâ€™m pretty sure I heard a giant sigh of relief as we walked out of the door from the staff and other patrons. We loaded back into the Kikkymobile and headed towards the strip. She dropped Patti, Shock, PokerStudCowboy and I off at Harrahâ€™s and flew off to meet up with Jack and that crew at the Foundation Room. The rest of us headed back to our respective homes and Shock hung out in the suite with Patti and I until Marty showed up. We were just hanging around partaking of the copious amounts of remaining booze when I get this text: Doc: Text Joe something dirty. Always one to do what Iâ€™m told, I think for a minute and send this text to JoeSchmo: Iâ€™m so wet and my vibrator just isnâ€™t doing it for me right now. Moments later I get this: Joe: Just hang on, Iâ€™ll be there later. I text Doc: Did you all sit there and think of that together or is he that good? Next think I know I get a flurry of texts from Kikky, Doc, Jack, and some random strangers that all say: Heâ€™s really that good! Too funny. Of course, all of my companions of the time are in on this and weâ€™re rolling around laughing about it. Eventually Martyâ€™s friend Buck calls so we head down to Martyâ€™s room to meet up with him then we hit the cab line and head downtown. We end up at the Plaza and play some dice with some of the rudest dealers around. Nay, nay grumpy dealer man! Dude was yelling at us for everything and we werenâ€™t even drunk yet! After I get my roll over with we cash out and head for greener pastures. I get this text from Doc: H&H on and crackin! The five of us head over there to initiate Marty and Buck into the land of Hogs and Heiffers. Upon arrival Shock gets carded and that makes me laugh so hard I damn near peed myself so I made a quick dash to the little girls room before I had to go back and change. I met JoeSchmo for the first time, gave Drea, Doc and Beach hugs hello and we then commenced to drinking. Some of us got our groove on to the iffy music that was blasting that night while we downed our beverages of choice while others just sat at the bar gabbing. They tried to get us up on the bar to dance, but with past history being what it is, none of us complied. After a while we decide its dead in there and its time to move on. I donâ€™t know who thought of it, probably Doc, but it was decided that weâ€™d take Joe down to the El Cortez and let Mr. Fairway Villa see how the other half lives. On the way down there Joe expressed an interest in heading on down to check out the Western and I offered to go with him, but no one else would go and I was wearing a super short skirt so we decided against it for the time being and just hit the ElCo. As we are walking up to it we see the giant sign advertising Free Robes and Towels and, since Marty was with us, this caused great amusement among the group and Doc even took a pic to commemorate the occasion. Once inside Joe, Marty, Patti, Buck and I took seats at a $5 table while Doc, Shock, Drea and Beach hit up Careful Kittyâ€™s for some grub. We buy in and Joe puts out his first bet and looses it. It is at this point when he leans over to me and asks if he gets a free room now. Gotta love a boy that can talk smack that well! We continue to play for awhile and Joe is getting creamed. He looses his buy in and leans over to me and says â€œI guess I own the hotel now.â€ Damn I love him! The rest of us keep playing and since Joeâ€™s now out I start getting his cards and wouldnâ€™t you know it, I start winning like mad. Joeâ€™s a good sport and takes this all in stride. Patti and I had been suffering from Vegas throat all day so we started drinking hot chocolate and baileys at some point. Could I drink this without attempts being made on my life? HELL NO! Between her and Marty and Joe I damn near died about a hundred times while sitting at that table. Marty starts yelling Orangutan! And dry-humping Patti's chair and I lose it. I donâ€™t even remember what Patti said to me, but damned if I hadnâ€™t just taken a gulp of my beverage when it happened. Okay, I need to back up here for a minute or this wonâ€™t make any sense. Over at the Patti Club they give her a little towel to sit on so her ass doesnâ€™t stick to the chair. She carries this towel with her and was sitting on it when she made me shoot hot chocolate and baileys out of my nose. I grabbed the corner of that towel and yanked so hard that her head ended up in Martyâ€™s lap and her legs were waiving in the air like a couple of flags in a windstorm. So now I have a chocolate-snot towel and a whining Patti because her ass is going to stick to the chair now. I tell ya, I couldnâ€™t win for losing. Joe asks if I can play Pai Gow and I tell him Iâ€™d never tried so he offers to teach me saying that it takes like 20 minutes per hand and you can play forever and get free booze on very little money. That sounds like my kind of game, so he and I head to the other side of the pit where he takes a seat and explains the game to me. We bet and he shows me how to set my hand. We lost that one, but thatâ€™s why they call it gambling. He then has me sit down and stands next to me so he can help my drunk ass set my hand properly. Well the card spitter outer thingy breaks before the hand is delt so he takes an empty seat across from me and we just sit there laughing our asses off because he did warn me that this was a slow game. About 20 minutes later the dealer and the pit critter get the damn thing fixed and he dealsâ€¦.but not to me. Oh nay, nay! Sin canâ€™t play a hand! This causes another fit of laughter from Joe and I as its now going on 30 minutes since the last hand and Iâ€™ve yet to play one. I yell across the pit to the others that I still havenâ€™t played a hand and they start laughing too. Eventually I FINALLY get some cards and Joe helps me set them. That hand was a push which for some reason was riotously funny at the time. After a few more hands and me setting one wrong and having to call the pit critter over we get up from that table about $5 poorer than when weâ€™d started and hour before. Its time to leave the ElCo now, but first I insist on giving Joe the grand tour---sin style! I show him Hell Hall and we have a good laugh over the contents of the vending machine that is located directly across from the employee time clock. Next I pointed out that the giant wheel of fortune machine that is awkwardly placed in the entry wasnâ€™t here last time I was and then I show him penny town and the worlds most bizarre Subway. It was hilarious even if only to Joe and I. As weâ€™re heading back up to catch a cab the group breaks up. Beach, Drea, Shock, and Doc had left earlier so it was just me, Patti, Marty, Joe and Buck. Patti and I were hungry so we harassed Marty into finding food with us while we left Buck and Joe to find their own damn cabs =O) I honestly donâ€™t remember where we ate, all I know is that we got back to the IP around 7:30 a.m. and lost Marty somewhere around the 12th floor. Sunday I slept for a couple of hours then waddled my ass out to the couch for some reason or another where I dozed off again. I was awakened by a very soft knocking at the door so I opened it up and there was Doc in all his glory with all his luggage. Bless him he just dropped it off and left. I went back to the couch and turned on the TV and was just laying about watching My Best Friends Wedding and I guess I went back to sleep because next thing I know thereâ€™s a little winding down ceremony on the balcony. I drag my ass off the couch and join Beach, Doc and Shock for a little chit-chat on the balcony. I had previously told Don that Patti and I would be down today to see our Miss Jennifer so after Doc headed off towards the airport we started making plans to hit MSS. I called Marty and before long we were 5 in a cab with a driver that thought this was the Indy 500. I damn near got thrown out of the window on a number of occasions as I was sitting on the very edge of the rear seat between Beach and Patti. We found Don and Jen at the blackjack tables and told them we were all hungry and were going to head over to Pattiâ€™s Club for some grub. We walked over there and everyone got seated while I went to check in. Donâ€™t ask me why I reserved a day earlyâ€¦I was trying to run out of the door and not miss my plane when I made that ressie. Anyway, I met everyone back upstairs and here comes Don with Paul Utell and a $70 comp for our dinner. They are doing whatever they can to win Don and Jen back and we got the benefit of that. Paul is a great guy and Iâ€™m sure weâ€™ll see more of him in the future. I had high hopes that this would be the one meal Iâ€™d finish without anyone trying to kill me, but high hopes crash hard. It started when the waitress tried to kill me by dropping the tray with Shock and Martyâ€™s food dangerously close to my head. It continued when Iâ€™m innocently sitting there eating my BLT and Don asks Marty about his summer place. Marty tells us that he loves it there. He lets the dog out on the porch and walks out there himself and drops trou. I wish I had a picture of Donâ€™s face! He responds with â€œYou let the dog suck your dick!?!â€ and I was toast. We were all toast. We are all barely able to contain our laughter to a dull roar while Marty tries to explain that he was peeing off the porch not getting a blowjob from his pooch. After we all recovered enough to finish our meal Don and Jen headed off downstairs while the rest of us finished up. We tipped the waitress over $40 and used Paulâ€™s comp to cover the food. We collected Don and Jen and headed over the poker room at the Nugget to meet up with some more of the buffoons. Mikey, BigStogie, BigTips, Smarra (am I forgetting someone?) were waiting for us in the lounge so we pulled up some chairs and started shooting the shit while ordering some booze. Smarra and I had a great conversation about her particularity about bed sheets and my lack of particularity about bedsheets before I headed outside to smoke (see I try to be a nice smoker on occasion) where I found Snert because of his fire-engine-red backpack. We head back inside for a bit and find a discussion about hitting the poker tables at Binionâ€™s. Beach and I head outside for a smoke and before long the troops come out heading to the poker room. Patti, Beach and I decide to head down to Pattiâ€™s Club and play some blackjack so we head that way with Chef in tow. Patti and Beach buy in and I just sort of hang around rooting them on for awhile since there were no empty seats. Chef and I gab for a bit and then heâ€™s off to meet up with his son somewhere. Before long, Beach is ready to head for home as sheâ€™s leaving the next day and wants to try and get some sleep before she gets on the plane. I walk her over to the cab and then head back to Patti at her table. I get bitched out for leaving by everyone because apparently the cards went to hell in a hand basket when I left. I stand around yelling MONKEY for Patti when she needs it and giving her backrubs. Oh, she got a new little towel too so her ass wouldnâ€™t stick to the chair. I took a break and went over to the bar to grab another Corona and got yelled at again when I returned. I was the good luck charm apparently. Not too long after this Marty and Shock show up and Marty buys in for some unholy amount and freaks the pit critters out. What was it, like $300? Snert bought in too because Marty made him-heâ€™s apparently got a horseshoe up his ass. Iâ€™m just drunk and having a good time dancing around the table like the idiot I am and next thing I know its time to go. Marty tried to color up to a banana chip, but it seems Pattiâ€™s Club doesnâ€™t have any of those so he has to get two $500 chips. Marty, Scott, Patti and I are off while Snert leaves to wait for his friend to emerge from Glitter Gulch. We head back to the IP to see if Buckâ€™s up yet and arrive to find him still in bed. Patti and I do our best to coax him up because, as usual, we want to go eat at Ellis Island. The boys are whining about having to leave tomorrow, but we convince them that if weâ€™re home by 3 they can still get in 8 hours of sleep so off we go. We never did get Buck to get up so we just cabbed our asses over to Ellis Island. When we get there the karaoke is in full swing and we hear some guy singing â€œThe Easter Mashâ€ WTF???? Of course this is cracking us up and Patti and I strike up a conversation with the security guard about how we feel sorry for him because we can leave whenever we want. We got the whole skinny on everyone there. Apparently the same people are in there singing (badly as it turns out) the same songs every night. He tells us this duo has been working on this routine for weeks. These guys are so geeky that I dub them the Dungeon Masters. We sit around listening to the screeching and wailing waiting for them to call our number so we can get our grub on. At some point we sign Marty up to sing Ring of Fire and we tell our new security guard friend that he can actually sing. Our number comes up so I tell the security guard to come get us in the restaurant when Martyâ€™s up. We sit down and our waiter was a blast! He gives Marty shit for ordering pancakes and then asks him if he wants a glass of milk to drink. Too funny. Just as we get our food the security guard comes over and Marty reluctantly heads off to sing with Patti and her camera in tow. Shock and I couldnâ€™t really hear him over the music blaring in the restaurant, but we did catch some of it and it sounded good. Marty and Patti return and Marty is a little red in the face. In a reprise of NSF the conversation turns to Pattiâ€™s sore throat and how she needs a lozenge and something salty and warm to gargle with. Yes, boys and girls, this would not be Just one Dammit and I think I shot Corona out of my nose at some point. After we were all full and lazy we caught a cab back to the IP where everyone headed to their respective rooms and Patti and I stayed up talking for a couple of hours before falling asleep. Monday Patti and I are awakened by Marty who takes a flying leap onto our bed while yelling â€œIâ€™m hungry!â€ Have you seen Marty? He damn near bounced us right out of our bed! He tells us heâ€™s leaving for the airport and so we get up to say a proper goodbye. Patti cries of course and I give him a big hug. I love that man, heâ€™s more fun than a barrel of Orangutans! Shock turns up and we all sit around shooting the shit for awhile and divide up the remainder of the booze into separate containers. Before long Surfer shows up to claim his and the box is too heavy for him to carry alone so we call bell service to come get it and put it in storage for him. Joe had arranged a LVT meet over at the Mirage that Patti wanted to go to so we got out shit together and then had the bell come up to get all of our crap. We said goodbye to Beach and Patti criedâ€”again. Shock joined us for this little excursion since he had a late flight out that night and we all turned up-late as usual-at Japanois for the meet. I met Norm and Mark and we sat around talking for a little while. Then Joe tells me to tell them the text story so I do. This is when Joe informs me that he didnâ€™t know it was Doc that told me to send the dirty text so apparently he thought I just wanted him that desperately. He is hot and all, but Iâ€™m not quite that naughty! Joe tells me that Surfer is the only one left in town that he didnâ€™t get to meet so I call him and they arrange to meet for a quick drink before Joe has to head to the airport. Goodbyes are said and then Norm volunteers to drive us over to the Peppermill for breakfast. Heâ€™s really a great man and has some amazing knowledge of the Red Rock area. If youâ€™ve got a question, Iâ€™m pretty sure he has the answer. Shock, Patti and I get our table and make some decisions about food. It is here that I beg to get Just one Dammit! And a truce is called so that all can enjoy their food. Even with a truce, there were some moments when I felt sure Shock or Patti or both were going to break it, but they held fast to their word and I got my one meal without shooting something out of my nose or nearly chocking to death. After eating such a truck load of food, we stopped at Walgreens to get Shock some eye drops and then decided to walk back to the IP. I must confess that I made a major boo-boo somewhere along the way and seriously over booked my evening. I had made plans with Tonya to get together and talk girl stuff and with Kikky to go out to Henderson and see her new place. Kikky was meeting us back at the IP and Tonya had an early curfew so I had to bow out on Kikky, with the promise that I would be back that weekend and would make it a point to go see her place. We sat around in a bar in the IP for awhile shooting the breeze and finding out about Kikkyâ€™s new job until it was time for me to head out and meet Tonya who was gracious enough to drive me down to Pattiâ€™s Club where I was staying that night. Goodbyes were said and Patti bawled so hard she made me cry. Tonya and I arrived at Pattiâ€™s Club and lugged by shit up to my room and then just sat around on my bed shooting the shit and trading life-stories for hours. Some of the best parts of this trip were spent in the quiet times just talking to people and this evening was certainly a highlight! Eventually she had to go home and take her hubby a Slushy, so I walked her out to valet and we said our goodbyes. Being all alone I took this opportunity to give Pattiâ€™s Club some money since I inadvertently stiffed them the last time I took them up on a free room. I played blackjack for awhile and got good and drunk off of many Coronas before switching to slots. I wish I could tell you what I played, but I didnâ€™t pay attention. I wasnâ€™t trying to win anything, just trying to donate some cash so the offers didnâ€™t dry up. Next thing I know its 9 a.m. and Surfer is meeting me for lunch at 11 so I head up to my room and grab a nap for about an hour before showering and meeting him at the Upper Deck. We had a great meal together and he only tried to kill me once, which was nice. We just rehashed the events of the weekend and he told me all about his photography classes, which were really cool sounding and if I could take a picture worth a shit, I probably would have enjoyed too. While we were eating it started to rain, it was damn cold and damn windy and I remarked that Vegas was sad I was leaving. We talked about his plans for the rest of his stay and then it was time for him to head off for another class. We said our goodbyes and I was all alone again. I headed up to my room to pack the rest of my crap when Surfer called and said there were 2 accidents on the freeway so I should probably leave for the airport sooner rather than later. I took his advice and hauled my crap down and got a cab. I got to the airport in decent time, but Iâ€™m so thankful Surfer gave me that heads up or I would have been late. Got my bags checked in and myself through security with enough time to stop at Burger King and get a King Size Diet Coke for the Journey. Flight was fine with only minimal turbulence and I was home in no time, another epic journey completed.