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...but I think I'll Skip the Rhino Next Time

Discussion in 'Vegas Trip Reports' started by Jack21, May 31, 2007.

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  1. Sometimes the best Vegas trips are the ones that sneak up on you unnoticed.

    I received an innocent junk mailing two weeks prior advertising a medical conference at Caesar's for May 21-23 which immediately put me on the fast track to an impromptu Vegas trip. Realizing I needed some mandatory CME (continuing medical education) credits before the end of the year, this trip was technically imposed on me by the state licensing board. Damn beurocrats. Actually, there were two conferences that week- the one in Vegas and one in Detroit. Either would have satisfied my professional obligations so I flipped a coin and Vegas came up the winner. Within 24 hours I had the standard "domestic" clearances, my Southwest flight, and rooms at the Mirage and TI. So there you go, a countdown timer that practically starts in the single digits.

    Traval day basically consisted of a double vodka at Phillips' Crab House in BWI, served up by an authentic Maryland "hon," 10mgs of Ambien, and a VERY unremarkable cross-country flight. I'm told we stopped in Denver to exchange out some passengers. A breezed through McCarran to the baggage claim where I was met by a cheerful Coaster Kikky, who was nice to have a vodka and pom for me neatly tucked into a water bottle, so I had my buzz just as the Kikkymobile pulled out en route to the Mirage.

    After a smooth check in at the invited guests counter, a run to the players' club for my new card, and a luggage throw-down in the room, we were off to roll some dice. You see, for the last few years I've been a guest of the Mandalay Bay, but day-after-day their love has turned grey (like the skin on a dying man), so I went up the street where I managed an up-front comp. My experiences at Mirage and TI were to be virginal. Anyways, I believe dice was choppy (as was the drink service) and I completed my first session about even.

    Kikky and I made our way to Stack for dinner. The lovely Tonya was to join us but due to a snafu back at her ponderosa she would be unable to join us until afterwards. Having read a couple of tepid-at-best reviews of this place on the board (one which included the expulsion of gastric contents) we were a little on alert, but not so much that we didn't order freely from the menu. I liked but was not overjoyed by my meal. If you want a full review of Stack I believe Kikky posted one recently, as she spent some time taking notes during dinner in between bites. I had a healthy buzz going from the mojitos, but I do remember that the rocks they give you to grill the steak slices on come pretty hot. Like the obsinate four year-old I am, when the server warned us about them I had to immediately challenge his warning with my ring and pinky fingers. Yup, he was right- and I had the blisters to prove it. Silly boy.

    After dinner we hit that front bar where all the foliage is and I was introduced to video poker. Having never put a single coin in any machine in any casino ever (because of the sucky odds) I was basically doing it for novelty's sake. When I hit a full house on my second hand to the tune of $35 I immediately cashed out and skipped victoriously to the cashout machine. It wasn't before long that Tonya found us for another drink at the bar, and after a few more I had her convinced to hit the Rhino with me. After a quick trip back to the room for the hand sanitizer, we were off and away.

    The taxi pulled up to the Rhino, we paid our cover, and went in. It was quite busy for a Sunday night but I guess the big shoppers' convention had them hoppin'. Tonya sipped her drink in the dimness while I trolled, finally coming across this blonde barbie named Inga who was not shy with regards to 900-number style conversation. I gave her the opportunity to enterain me, and for $60 she was worth it. Tonya had a midnight curfew so we said our goodbyes, and not long after that I was grabbed by a long lean attractive looking lady in a chiffon '20s-style flapper outfit and velvet gloves to her elbows. Very assertive, these ladies. She introduced herself as Bettie and without pause plopped down on the sofa next to me- one leg across my lap, arm around my shoulders- and launched into a hard sell about some company she worked for that marketed a product called "Sphincterine." Apparently it's like mouthwash for your ass, and she was really pitching hard for me to try it. Although I politely declined she pressed on, pushing her business card into my hand. Face to face I quickly realized she was much older I thought on first impression. She also had some nutty, desperate look about her...very creepy. I think she may have been planning some sort of dinner party because she said I could come to her place and toss her salad. After some more polite conversation I stood up and backed away, continuing like a crawfish straight to the exit. I noticed the website on the card, mintyass.com, before chucking it into the trash. I spent the taxi ride home dousing myself in the remains of the hand sanitizer.

    I'll spare the details of the conference the next morning at Caesar's...other than a great coffee at Rao's it was pretty unremarkable to the layperson. Lectures let out at 1pm and I had absolutely nothing on the agenda for the rest of the day or night- no meet-ups, no appointments, nowhere I had to be- so I figured I'd have a twelve hour self-gratification party for "one." I walked back to Mirage and changed into my swimsuit and hit the pool. I found the serving area with the hottest waitress and grabbed a lounge chair (plenty of open ones). For the next two hours I played rotisserie in the desert sun, reading, and sucking down double-rum coladas. I believe there was a snooze in there somewhere as well. Hunger set in but so decided to head back to the room for a shower, room service, and a movie. The in-room meal consisted of shrimp cocktail, a 12 oz filet, smashed potatoes, and chocolate mousse cake for dessert- all much better that the movie I watched The Number 23. Having forgotted to order a drink I opted for the Crown Royals straight from the mini-bar.

    The evening was pretty much spent split up between dice and the Rhino. of note is that I had my second-best session at the tables for the weekend, complete with the ancient Japanese woman who nailed five or six points with plenty of numbers interspersed before crapping out 45 minutes later. Her single roll restored my bankroll to its original glory (almost).

    Night #2 at the Rhino was also alot of fun with one notable exception. After getting in I was met by a buffet of beautiful ladies who were more than willing to relieve me of twenties. I was perfectly content however to sit quietly and sip on my RB/GG until the right one walked past. After a few minutes I saw her- blond, tall, leggy, and with the perfect tan. I invited her to my table and we struck up a conversation as she smoked the first cigrette of her shift. Pleasant enough, I couldn't get over how nice and evenly tanned she was with not even the hint of a tan line. After finally getting over my initial fear that the minty-ass girl might return, it was all laughs and lappys from this one, whose name I can't recall but it was like a normal every day name. She sucked up an hour of time like nothing.

    Back to the hotel, I headed to bed and a good night's sleep. Slipping off my kakhis I realized that there was some sort of large unusual stain in the thigh and crotch areas (no, not that). Brown, dark, almost powdery...shit, perfect tan girl was actually spray-on tan girl. Fucking great; those were new pants...I guess I'll ditch them tomarrow I surmised as alcohol and fatigue overcame me.

    I'll once again spare you the intimates of the next morning's lecture topics and fast forward to my check-in at Treasure Island- fast, easy, and I had a room by 11am (sans kakhis which were ditched in a planter in a hallway at Mirage). Had a flat screen (which Mirage didn't have) but no mini bar (which Mirage did). The pool, where I spent my afternon was nice, smaller, and with less eye candy; but I really only wanted to doze in the sun anyway. After a few dips in the pool I went back in, changed, and probably had my best run of dice for the trip- three rollers, none of whom had less then two points made each, plus a bunch of side bets. Damn, up for the trip. Of course I couldn't leave well enough alone and by the time I saw Falcon Rob watching me I had given all that session back.

    Dinner was quite pleasant. Rob, Mikey, and I enjoyed a few margaritas at the front bar at Isla and were promptly seated inside at the time of the reservation. The guac was....ok (not spicy enough), the tuna tacos were outstanding, and my salsa-and guacamole steak was above average. The margaritas were outsanding, and to cap it off I did a tequila shot with a spicy tomato juice chaser....yum. We entertained each other with various anecdotes about our particular areas of experience (although I think I could have layed off the rectal/cock ring/strange secretion stories without those guys complaining). Feeling rather stuffed we waddled over to the Breeze Bar, where Mikey produced three cigars and another round was ordered. I can't remember but I think it was the Michelob Light Mikey was particularly pleased to find, since apparently they are scarce elsewhere. We relaxed for some time and watched the hookers reel in their first Johns of the evening.

    Rob and I said our goodbyes to Mikey and we headed over to the dice its just so Rob could watch me lose about $500 in about 4 minutes. At that point I realized that I had squeezed all the luck out of the dice I was to have that trip, so I folded up my tent on gaming for good. We did get to see one John pulling cash out of an ATM with his hooker waiting in tow with tapping pump, though. Mikey and Rob- great dinner, enjoyed it immensely.

    The only other noteworthy excursion of the trip was breakfast the next morning at Tableau at the Wynn. Talk about class...this place was the epitome of elegance, from the hostess to the cutlery to the servers' attire. I never felt rushed as I made my way through fresh squeezd grapefruit juice, sourdough toast, scrambled eggs with short ribs, and about the best coffee I've ever tasted. All in a brightly lit atrium with fresh flowers and white tablecloths overlooking the pool club for the Tower Suites. A perect ending to a superb solo Vegas trip.

    Thoughts/observations:

    *I know they are a good company but I still don't like how Southwest Airlines handles passenger boarding.
    *A good buzz before your first breath of desert air is a good thing...thanks Becky!
    *Mirage had a great pool, but TI felt more comfy overall.
    *Mirage for the minibar, TI for the flatscreen and more comfortable bed.
    *Isla again, Stack only for a drink.
    *If you're gonna climb corned beef mountain at Mirage's Carnegie Deli, do it as an early lunch.
    *I don't think there's a Sphincterine enema in my near future.
    *Perhaps a non-Rhino jaunt might be better for me next time
    *Mikey and Rob, enjoyed dinner.
    *MGM/Mirage can take its comps and shove them up its corporte a$$.
    *If you find soiled pants in a Mirage corridor planter, they'e yours.
    *Vodka, rum, tequila- why, they all mix fine, if you ask me....
     
  2. Coaster Kikky

    Coaster Kikky Tourist

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    Worth waiting for, J/E. It was my pleasure to rob you of your tunnel virginity too!
     
  3. xizor

    xizor Tourist

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    OK, I'll admit it, I just went to the minty ass website. :ssst:
     
  4. gmoney590

    gmoney590 VIP Whale

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    Toss my Salad woman and fake tan woman; you really know how to attract those "special" girls lol. Once the two empires own the strip the comps will be gone and we'll be paying for our drinks.
     
    Back where we belong
  5. DonD

    DonD Super Moderator

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    Well done, Eric.:thumbsup:
     
  6. Exiled in Maine

    Exiled in Maine Weeee Zel

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  7. HurricaneMikey

    HurricaneMikey A-List Buffoon

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    Good to see you again, Eric.

    But now I'm wondering how many bottles of Minty Ass are gonna show up in various places around the festivities of March Madness...

    Mikey
     
  8. doctor_al

    doctor_al VIP Whale

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    Those of us who spend time downtown are conditioned to leave the soiled pants where they are.

    More great stories j/e. :thumbsup:
     
  9. LV Terry

    LV Terry Captain Flop'N Fold

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    You didn't take the new pants home?! Dude! I'm sure your wife could have worked some laundry magic on them. My wife has this great technique that uses just a little blood from my lip.... well.. maybe I shouldn't be revealing her secrets.....
     
  10. SH0CK

    SH0CK Stylin' and Profilin' Quasi Tech Admin

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    Sorry the gambling gods weren't better to you Eric, but glad to see you had a good time (for the most part.)

    But you gotta love a story that references minty ass and spray on tans :thumbsup:
     
  11. Falcon_Rob

    Falcon_Rob Flying Winnebago

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    Saturday Night Live actually came up with that idea back in 1992, as evidenced by this transcript:

    http://snltranscripts.jt.org/92/92eass.phtml

    Youtube failed me this time in trying to find a clip of that sketch, but this one is okay:

    http://youtube.com/watch?v=4eRtLfKqqO0

    Hmmmmmm, having to catch a cab to the Strip club? Hmmmmm, paying cover at the Strip club? Those concepts are now foreign to me, and yet I have NEVER been to a fine gentlemen's establishment here in Vegas, particularly due to the fact that six songs would roughly equal an entire day's worth of tokes!:wink2: If you were to skp the Rhino next time Eric, where would you tend to go?

    Thanks for the TR!
     
  12. MikeE

    MikeE The Shah's Slightly Hairy Cousin

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    Oh man, you had me cracking up from beginning to end. And no, I never visited MintyAss.com nor clicked on their "Frequently Assed Questions" :D.

    Nice to hear the tables treated you better than last time.

    So are you settled now on Mirage/TI or going to try somewhere else?
     
  13. RossW

    RossW North of the 49th

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    Thanks for the TR, Eric. You must have some willpower, to have never dropped a coin into a machine in all your Vegas trips until now...WOW. Somebody call the Guinness record keeper.

    Sounds like your were able to balance the business during the day that needed your attention with the fun times at night.

    I might try that vodka/Ambien combo, not waking up when you have to land and then depart again enroute, would be nice. I think I’ve only slept on a plane maybe 3 or 4 times in all the flights I’ve take over the years. It’s tough to doze off with that damn hum in your ears.

    Did you take a Rhino T-shirt home as a souvenir for the bride?? :evillaugh :wave:

    Sounds like it was a successful business trip. Thanks for taking the time to write it up.

    RW
     
  14. Beach Crazy

    Beach Crazy Hostess With the Mostess

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    Nice report J/E, totally entertaining! But I do have to wonder what everyone was thinking as you strolled past with that large brown stain on your pants. :wink2:
     
  15. chef

    chef Resident Buffetologist

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    Eric,
    Are you done rolling the bones at MB for good? I was surprised, well not really, that you changed venues.
    That's for the update on Rhino. I'll keep that in mind next week as my wheelchair friend makes selections on where to drop his $20s.
     
  16. Jack21

    Jack21 Guest

    Chef- each subsequent time I went to MB, I was treated more and more like a walking fromula to be plugged in rather than an "invited guest." I'm thinking about foregoing the shimmering corporate towers entirely in lieu of an off-the-beaten-path place where hosts take the time to know & earn you (if THEY still exist).

    Angy- luckily it was dark and eeryone was drunk

    Ross- Just because I experiment (phamacologically speaking) on myself doesn't mean there aren't risks for others. My official recommendation is not to mix alcohol and sleep aids. Oh, and my wife generally has a good laugh when I tell her about the strip clubs. We have a general rule of "no skin on skin" when it comes to those places. (Well, more of a guideline than a rule :rolleyes2:).

    JoeSchmo- The Mirage host said I was "overcomped" yet still promised me at least one night on my next trip out. TI felt more comfortable for me, if I do stay Strip (and the beds were better).

    Falcon Rob- If I do go to another strip club, I'd probably revisit to Crazy Horse II, or maybe try Scores. But basically anywhere where I can leave without being accosted by a Sphincterine rep, with pants maintained in pristine condition.

    Terry- Ancient Chinese Secret
     
  17. sunni

    sunni VIP Whale

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    Another great report..:thumbsup:
     
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