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April Showers of Booze & 17’s Bring May Flowers of Quads & Degenerates!!!!!

Discussion in 'Vegas Trip Reports' started by BeeeJay, Mar 30, 2013.

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  1. BeeeJay

    BeeeJay President of The Red Lobster Hostess Satisfaction

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    My Trip Report

    With the Lobster population at a new all-time low, and smiles on the faces of Red Lobster hostesses from coast to coast, the time for a respite from the madness grows near. And what better place to “escape from it all” than good ole family-friendly, wholesome, Las Vegas Nevada!!!!

    One of my over-arching themes on this trip: See how much fun I can have doing the things I love in Vegas, while seeing how little money I can actually give to the bastard monopolists who run these casinos. The goal: To save enough bankroll from the April trip while fully enjoying myself to be able to make the Gaggles Bday Trip at the end of May. I’ll be implementing my new “comp-yourself” system in full-force this trip.

    The goals go in this order:

    #1 Have maximum fun regardless of budget at all times.

    #2 Fitness: Stay somewhat healthy by doing a little exercise when possible—strip casino crawls count as “training”. Eat minimally, consume most meals via “beverage”. Be ready to engage in “Hot Yoga” with college coeds at the pool on a moments notice.

    #3 Enjoy non-gambling activities to the max: pool, golf, other “distractions”.

    #4 Tits.

    #5 Ass.

    #6 Play Pocket Pool in a Pocket Park, with Jim Murren’s wife, of course.

    #7 Avoid the boorish major casino corps. Gamble at off-strip/downtown casinos with the best odds at lowest stakes. When “on-strip” do most serious VP play at Casino Royale or Aria for best paytables. Focus all other minor low-limit table gaming at Cosmo & Wynn. Don’t give those greedy bastions bastardizing Vegas a thin fucking dime---CET, MGM, Palazzo. (Exceptions: Aria is owned by Dubai World, and Bally’s is employee-owned by Stephanie ).

    #9 Think of a theme for a new Vegas-centric porn website, preferably involving middle-aged men living out their fantasies with Red Lobster hostesses. You can only watch so much Captain Stabbin. There has GOT to be a market for this, NO!?!? If Phil Ruffin buys Mirage I know my new Bores & Whores concept will be picked up.


    The budget for this trip was set low, with incentive clauses based on the productiveness during the annual “Lobster Fest”. I figure this helped me to keep my eyes on the prize through the lowest of lows as customers lined up at the Lobster Tank to choose their victim. This really did help me to get through the late nights, along with the Dyson-like smooth bagless lips of that night’s lucky rotating Red Lobster Hostess.

    [​IMG]

    So in the end I’ll arrive with a $4,000 bankroll for 7 nights in Vegas, 4 at Cosmo (2 Borat’s comp+2 my comp) followed by 3 at Wynn. A late windfall arrived from New Jersey when Governor Christie finally saw fit to cough up that $2K he borrowed from me last year and spent on Girl Scout cookies. I guess they had to glue the crumbs back together and re-sell those Snickerdoodles to pull together my $2k with their AC taxes in the shitter.

    The trip has a natural breakdown in to 2 sessions due to the sets of friends switching over on Friday.

    Set 1 includes the usual suspects: BeeeJay, Macker, JDog, Borat, and Alexanbo. Unfortunately Maddy Ice was a late cancellation as he valiantly took on a true charitable endeavor and couldn’t reconcile a Vegas expense when he could do better with the same money elsewhere-mad props bro! The rest of the group will carry on for you in spirit as we help the needy college coeds pull together their summer “tuition payments”. (Hey Baby that was great, now don’t forget to send my 1099-T, I know I’m old and your 19, but I guess that is why they call it the “Lifetime Learning Credit”)

    Then on Friday those clowns are heading back to the carnival and JDog and are are joined by a new crew as old buddy from classic TR #4 Kakha,, and Joey & Sissy from TR’s #18 & #25 arrive in Vegas!!!

    To give Biblical perspective, Trips before #13 are BG, and trips after #13 are AG. BG-Before Gaggles, AG-After Gaggles. Hmm shockaaaa, met Gaggles on “lucky” trip #13. Guess THAT finally explains a lot!!! Never hence shall the #13 be known as unlucky. Congrats Knights Templar, it only took 702 years for the unholy alliance of Gaggles & I to undo the bad luck you suffered at the hands of King Philip IV by both hitting royals within an hour of our initial meeting!

    Unfortunately for this trip Gaggles would be making neither session, despite my motivation email in early March:

    “while it is surely a pleasure to know you will be in Vegas July 18th while I return to work July 8th and will be unable to make that trip, I believe there is a rather large 14,000 pound elephant tip-toeing quietly around the room here Mr. Gaggles.

    I believe his nick-name is "April".

    Full name is: "When the FUCK are you going to book your late April Trip?"

    Now at this point basically ever single Vegas person I've met since my early '70's Sunday School Hookers & Blow Class Reunion is going, except you. We've got Macker, Alexanbo, JDog, Joey and Sissy, Anne & her sister, Mr. Kakha, my buddy Big Dog, Huddler, Funkhouser, the entire VMB staff, Jersey Bill, even my friend Cumbubble who we thought got popped in the housing bubble may unstick himself from his Ron Jeremy 70's Shag carpeting to make an appearance.

    So buy a new blade for your Gillette Venus razor, shave those chest hairs and trim those pubes and lets fucking rock this shit!”


    Despite my strong words, Gaggles weak luck in recent trips won out, and he would not be joining us for the trip of the century.

    Anyway, moving onto the action. After 10 weeks on the road, all suffering the 70+ hours serving the Land Locked Lobster Lubbers, I will be more than ready to relax and let loose baby!!! And this would start in style my friends, with a points-upgrade to FIRST CLASS for the plane trip out. American Airlines was even kind enough to let me pre-pay a $75 Lavatory rental fee so Ellen Giswold and I can join the mile high club on the flight in. At least that is what I’m assuming that fee for using my own points to upgrade was for.

    I can’t get totally obliterated in Vegas this week because of a certain “side-bet” on this trip. One member of the contingent, whom shall remain nameless, had broken the cardinal man-cave rule of taking offense at a certain type of joke.

    Now out of respect for this fine friend I had relegated my use of this joke to the dust heap of history (along with my mlife platinum card) but wouldn’t you know it these jokes were popping into my head and causing me to burst into laughter during high level Darden Lobster-strategy sessions at the most inappropriate times. Those VP’s must have thought I was dropping acid and smoking crack, but I just told them it was my creative side trying to “Sea Food Differently”.

    So one day on break as I choked down my artery-clogging Admiral’s Feast, I bit into a quarter-sized fried scallop and it hit me! The insulted joke party had been quite unabashed at disparaging my constant claims that I would be swearing off dollars and “playing only quarters” this trip. So I decided then and there if I couldn’t make my jokes I would take SWEET REVENGE on this breaker of the Holy Man Code by proving him wrong and sticking to quarters.

    Vindication would be mine!

    So I will fly into battle focused like Han Solo’s laser shooting Greedo in the ballsack under the table in the Cantina.

    I have my “envelope system” locked and freaking loaded. Two separate 4-day trip budgets. I will STICK TO QUARTERS this trip and STICK IT TO both my buddy and The Man.

    Re-write your 10Q’s bitches and tell ole Bessie to get her best wooden bucket ready, I’m coming to the desert to Milk you Mutha Fuckaaaaaaaaas!

    Well long before WHEELS UP, the first bet of the trip has been made. After considerable turmoil in the past year over whom should be the butt of the “Your Momma” jokes, I had to volunteer due to the incessant whining of certain unnamed trip participants. Meanwhile the man-law breaking complainer continued to rudely insult my “quarters budget plan” so snapped and hatched a bet-amongst-friends proposal:

    If I play quarters, I can make fun of Macker’s Mom with impunity, if I play dollars Macker could make fun of my mom.

    He countered with making jokes about my wife.

    I snap-called his all in.

    We had a challenge!!!

    I’ll comment on how this little thing goes throughout the report, as it is my 50th consecutive quarter only betting planned trip, and I’m currently 0 for 49. 

    So the trip itinerary has come together and the cast of characters is set.
    Over the course of the 7 nights/8 days I’m in town, a varitable cross-section of friends/acquantainces will be in and out including:

    #1 Yours truly, BeeeJay, president of the Red Lobster hostess satisfaction committee. Lives in Chicago, but travels nationwide to Red Lobster locations ensuring the local stores are maintaining the whoreish hostess quality Red Lobster waiters has grown to know and love. Primary recruiting/testing grounds are the strip clubs near Times Square and of course the 5 Times Square Red Lobster location.

    #2 Macker, prison guard extrordinaire, and source of profitability to the Canadian liquor industry. A proven winner at VP, can drink half the mounties in Canada under the table, and an all around good guy. My friend for a few years via another Vegas site which has since fallen upon hard times.

    #3 Alexanbo, designer of million dollar entertainment systems for the stars. When he isn’t searching out the best in water-resistant porn remotes for 108 inch viewing screens, he can be found at Mandarin Oriental locations worldwide as a base for his enjoyment of the worlds finest dining. Our friendship was cemented over spilt Grey Goose in the Aria secret sky suite lounge during opening weekend.

    #4 Borat, Augusta National Golf Course superintendent. During his 1992 Red Lobster biscuit boy secret skull and crossbones new years eve initiation ceremony, Borat and I became friends before he slipped over to the emergency room to have his stomach pumped. Basically been recreating that night in slight moderation ever since.

    #5 JDog, airport designer and consultant to the shieks of the world. Logs 100,000 of thousands of miles each year helping our overfunded and underorganized third world neighbors install and manage runways big enough for their 787 Dreamliners. We met at a meet at the Flamingo bar years ago and entered into a degerate blood pact that would make Stu and Alan blush. There are things far uglier than a naked Mr. Chow in our trunk, but thankfully they aren’t she-males.

    #6 Mr. Kakha, tv personality and producer, hob nobs with the fame-seeking elite. We formed a bond of brotherhood during our college days by using our entruprunerial ingenuity to solve the problem of bars closing too early after our Red Lobster shifts ended, by installing a permanent pony kegerator in the back of Mr. Kakhas Blazer. Co-director of the “Red Lobster Hostess next-generation DNA donation project”, a philanthropy we founded and both donated much time, and well, other stuff to.

    #7 Joey & Sissy. A high level exec in the medical field and her power wielding step-sister attorney whom we met in 2009 via TripAdvisor and shared a few memorable trips in between. These gals know how to party, and well, they put up with us pretending to know them, so that qualifies for “friend” status in our book! Also VERY good luck at craps tables, and of course both hot with lots of hot friends, which is always good eye candy in Vegas. Amazingly, the coolest thing about these chicks is they somehow remain pin-thin while arriving at the pool hungover with double-quarter-pounders w/cheese. That is MY KINDA diet!

    #8 and finally rounding out the crew, Big Dog, my original Vegas co-conspirator and designer of many famous I Phone games we’ve all played. Our unholy alliance began, ironically, in Sunday school at age 3, and things quickly degenerated to drawing Penis’s on my Hakeem Olajuwon posters in my locker in high school, to over 50 Vegas trips where the book of sins would strain even an old-school Encyclopedia Brittanica salesman’s lifting ability.

    So the stage is set, the crew is built. Lo and behold the confluence of events not seen since Nostradamus foretold the “end of days”. It could get ugly early, and often….
     
    Last edited: Mar 30, 2013
  2. ButterflyMtn

    ButterflyMtn High-Roller

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    Sounds like it will be a good time, can't wait to read all the trip reports - if you can remember anything :wink2:

    Looks like I'll be missing you all by a few days...I land 5/1

    Have a great time!
     
  3. mike_m235

    mike_m235 Tourist

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    Does Aria really have good VP paytables? It looks on VPFree like they only have good VP at high dollar machines.
     
  4. BeeeJay

    BeeeJay President of The Red Lobster Hostess Satisfaction

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    well relatively, they have 9/5 DDB at the bartops, which for prime strip bartops with good service is better than Cosmo/Caesars/etc.
     
  5. macker69

    macker69 Canadian Ambassador for Sully's Bar

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    Ugh I think I will need a new liver after this one!!!! :beer::vomit::drunk::vomit::cry: in that order
     
  6. bigwill

    bigwill Low-Roller

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    I will start the party a few weeks early for ya
     
  7. Royal Flusher

    Royal Flusher Savvy Gambler

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    Glad to hear you are a lock to be 'blue-legging' it with that hottie Ellen Griswold.

    See if you can find something to fill that adorable little gap between her teeth with. :evillaugh
     
  8. BeeeJay

    BeeeJay President of The Red Lobster Hostess Satisfaction

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    Go do your own front Clark!

    [​IMG]
     
  9. Chuck2009x

    Chuck2009x VIP Whale

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    I thought you were only doing cruises and Disney now, lol.

    :beer: :drunk:
     
  10. BeeeJay

    BeeeJay President of The Red Lobster Hostess Satisfaction

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    Carnivals pain is Las Vegas gain!
     
  11. mike_m235

    mike_m235 Tourist

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    9/5 DDB at a bartop definitely qualifies as good on the strip. You can get that at NYNY in the center bar, but only if you're playing $1 (the paytables change with the coin in)
     
  12. Marky147

    Marky147 High-Roller

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    Oh my days, the countdown to June is becoming less and less painful :beer:
     
    Double digits!
  13. Funkhouser

    Funkhouser In Charge of the Big Door

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    This trip has all the making to be immortalized on the "Drunk and Stupid in Las Vegas" website.
    http://drunkandstupidinlv.tumblr.com/
     
  14. macker69

    macker69 Canadian Ambassador for Sully's Bar

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    BeeeJay can attest to this, shit there might even been 2 vids some where. One is this girl wants an autograph from me cause she thinks I'm the guy from Rascal Flatts...BJ tells her no unless she sleeps with me, she then proceeds try and empty her water bottle on BJ, but i grab it and empty in on her, then she comes back with another one with the same result and their group got kicked out.

    Same night walking to Grand Lux going down the walk ways to Venetian, as they were recording a video of something else I sat my glass down on the side, not realizing in my drunken state that because of the decline the glass would go down said decline. Well let's just say that glass went flying and even though it was an accident I still cheered for that glass to go faster, until it smashed into the sign at the bottom of the walkway...the video is funny because it shows Alexanbo pissing his pants laughing and saying there's no way we're getting in to Venetian...We did and boy was that short rib sloppy joe delicious.
     
  15. uli_1515

    uli_1515 Low-Roller

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    Sounds like you all are in for some forgotten nights.
     
  16. Jersey_Bill

    Jersey_Bill High-Roller

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    BeeJay, there are some omens out there which appear to suggest this trip may be biblical in scale... According to NPR today, the biggest of the big cicada swarms on record will emerge and cover the East coast, blocking out the sun, at just about the time this trip will begin... Locusts, check. No word yet on firstborns or frogs...

    Inquiring minds would like you upon arrival to test the Bellagio cement pond by waving your Milf Plat card and ordering the water to spread wide.... The signs are there... Lead us on to the land of milk and honey, hookers and blow, and pretty quads all in a row....

    Currently putting my liver through basic training to preclude embarrassment in keeping up with the crew...

    JZB
     
  17. JNCVH

    JNCVH Tourist

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    If I remember correctly I took and have those videos somewhere:drunk:
     
  18. JNCVH

    JNCVH Tourist

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    I will attest this is one of my favourite bartops and they have great drink service. As well these bartops seem to rain quads, Beejay may remeber I ran $400 through on 50 cent DDB and on my last credit held one three to be filled in by three more three's and an Ace for a 0 dollar loss\win and probably 15 drinks each over and hour.:vomit: I think the last 5 minutes being there Beejay and Borat got rained on by quad showers which allowed them to pay for their golden showers later that night.:Þ
     
  19. BeeeJay

    BeeeJay President of The Red Lobster Hostess Satisfaction

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    your story is a bit off sir, but i don't think you'll mind reliving this fond memory:

    [​IMG]

    although I have to say, its not the best "final hand" I've ever seen.....

    [​IMG]
     
  20. BeeeJay

    BeeeJay President of The Red Lobster Hostess Satisfaction

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    Just worked my 29th straight 12 hour day.

    Ready.

    For.

    Vegas.


    Funny stuff Bill! You should be in solid form by the time the majority of the crew arrives Monday. Aria bartops will be a great start to the trip!!!
     
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