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advice needed on cheating wife

Discussion in 'Non-Vegas Chat' started by jughead1963, Dec 18, 2013.

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  1. jughead1963

    jughead1963 Tourist

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    I just recently found evidence that my wife has cheated on me. The signs started showing up.
    1.) Gone at the gym for 3 hours.
    2.) Before I even thought about her even cheating, she said that I could have a "hall pass" after I told her that I walked away from a gorgeous girl hitting on me in Vegas. OK she probably a hooker
    3.) She works retail so she was hanging out with her single friends on nights where I have to work the next day. This is happening more and more enough.

    I truly love my wife and I know that I should be spending more time with her.

    Do I confront her?
    Thanks in advance
     
  2. paperposter

    paperposter VIP Whale

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    ask her to go to a swingers club and enjoy yourself:thumbsup:
     
  3. smartone

    smartone VIP Whale

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    I have no experience in this at all, but feel like if "you truly love" your wife, as you indicate, you gotta a fight for her... which means confront her. It's the only way you're gonna know if the relationship is rescuable. I would guess the "confrontation" would be no easy feat either... you can't back her in a corner and show anger. By the same token, I'd guess you have to show passion... it can't be, "so I was wondering, are you cheatin?"

    I wish you the best!
     
  4. HoyaHeel

    HoyaHeel Grammar Police & Admin

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    My opinion is that instead of confronting at this point that you spend time with your wife and build your relationship (I am not sure your "evidence" shows cheating or just spending time doing things other than waiting at home for you) If you or your wife have problems spending time together - you can address THAT issue, and not necessarily "cheating.
     
  5. dvandentop

    dvandentop VIP Whale

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    how old are you and how long have you been married?
     
  6. jughead1963

    jughead1963 Tourist

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    update

    To answer I am 50 my wife is 47 married 20 years.

    Update:

    I confronted her. At first no admission of guilty. Just that I was jealous the attention that she was getting since she has lost weight. Then I pull out the trump cards. Facebook evidence that I had found through snooping in her messages. Also I told her that her phone had text messages that were inappropriate. Guy asking for naked pictures that she refused to send. Then a request to visit him at his house. No details on house number so I guess she knew his address. Then she she said that I didn't trust her and I said that I trusted her until I had suspensions noted above. She kept denying, or saying that they were only kissing and that needed to go out with her more. I agree and I will go out with her more. That will end the party. I will update again with more .... almost like a live trip report. Thanks for the advice.
     
  7. dvandentop

    dvandentop VIP Whale

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    wow crazy you are alot more calm then i would be
     
  8. ken2v

    ken2v This Space For Rent

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    Your wife's answer to you not spending enough time with her isn't playing kiss-face with some dude and engaging in all the cyberparts of an affair; eating IS cheating, for instance, and there is no 500-mile rule. It's for her to say, "Hey, hubby, I'm not feeling it here. You OK? We OK? I sure could use more of you."

    It's called communication.

    And I don't know that it is your role or right to ply through her phone and fb and the like, and I don't believe in the machismo confrontation.

    Just the way I'm wired.

    I hope you guys figure this out in whatever manner is best for both of you. We don't know you, her, the facts and circumstances of your life together. But you guys need help, and beyond you hanging out with her more and her not playing touch football with the pool guy. There is a hole in your relationship's ozone layer, trust has been blown, by both of you. You need friends, a minister, guidance, rediscovery, soul-searching.

    Good luck.
     
  9. sybgal

    sybgal VIP Whale

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    Great summation Ken2v.....really said it all and well. Good luck Jughead and hope it works out in a way that is best for you both. Very sad you are going thru something like this during the holidays.
     
  10. uli_1515

    uli_1515 Low-Roller

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    Vengeance
     
  11. jughead1963

    jughead1963 Tourist

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    I did suggest counseling and I will go even if I have to go by myself. She that was my problem since she was getting all this attention since she lost weight. I think this all part of the denial stage. Yes, you are getting attention because you are a girl without your husband at a bar. Guys will hit on you. You don't need to take them up on it.

    Bottom line:I need for her to say that what she had done was inappropriate and that she is sorry hurt my feelings.
     
  12. TIMSPEED

    TIMSPEED !địt mẹ!

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    Bang her sister and call it even...lol, jk
     
    Palace Tower Suite!
  13. dvandentop

    dvandentop VIP Whale

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    have heard of stories like this tons of times, wife loses alot of weight or gets some tata's and all of a sudden acts like they are on the market even after being married for a long time they get all this extra attention and certainly dont seem to push it away.

    also have heard of it with guys who beef up all of a sudden and become a ladies man and let their marriage fallt o shambles.....

    hope you guys can work something out and as others have said real shity time for this to happen around the holidays.
     
  14. jughead1963

    jughead1963 Tourist

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    I forgot mention. The first thing I said was I that I loved her and I wanted to work through this.
     
  15. merlin

    merlin VIP Whale

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    married 20 years, are you two having any sex and be honest? If the answer is hardly ever then you know part of the reason, the sad truth is that most likely you guys have drifted apart and she is bored out of her mind, you probably cant compete with the excitement she is feeling now, IMO.
     
  16. Tree DA

    Tree DA High-Roller

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    Go to counseling and try to save your marriage. In the meantime, contact the best divorce lawyer in town right now. You want him on your side, not hers. Start rat holing money. Make sure she's not running up debt you don't know about so you aren't stuck with half of it. I hope you kept copies of all those texts and FB posts. Hire a PI too; find out what she's really up to.

    If you have any family heirlooms or any other treasures you want to keep, get them out of the house immediately and do not tell anyone, and I mean anyone, where they are. In fact, you could even practice denying their existence as though you completely forgot all about them. Depending on your moral center (and judging by the fact that you went through her personal messages you are probably up for something like this) you could even accuse her of taking the stuff first before she even notices they are missing.

    Consider starting sleeping in a separate room; in some states that could constitute separation which will give you a leg up in a settlement as you will have been supporting her even though you are separated. (I assume you are the breadwinner as she works retail.)
     
  17. jughead1963

    jughead1963 Tourist

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    We have had very good sex the last couple years. The can't compete with the excitement is what I am worried about. How do you compete with the excitement of a new relationship? It's exciting because it different. It's unknown.
     
  18. LolaDoggie

    LolaDoggie VIP Whale

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    I call it the grass is greener on the other side of the fence disease. It's sad. I'm sorry you're going through this.
     
  19. billyinpg

    billyinpg Low-Roller

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    Oh god I hate to hear about shit like this.......

    jughead,

    You probably don't wanna hear what I am about to say but bear with me. I didn't wanna hear it either when my EX did it but after a couple of months what I was told made one hell of a lot of sense.

    Also let me tell you I know it hurts like a M**********r and it will for a while but at the end of the day you will be OK.

    I will be very blunt with this and it may pain you but it is what it is.

    Almost 7 years ago to this day I was blindsided with a cheating wife, literally blindsided. I had a delegation of women show up on my doorstep and later that night a couple of phone calls outing her. I too thought we could work it out, I said the same about counseling but let me tell you this...

    It didn't work and will never work, they have gotten away with it at that point. Add in the fact she knows how you caught her (same with me) and now she can really cover her tracks.

    I tried my hardest to reconcile for all of 3 weeks and it really tore me to pieces. For my own sanity and for the best interest of my kids she had to go, she couldn't be trusted and I realized I would never trust her again.

    Now I know your thoughts are in overdrive and you are probably not sleeping much, it's all consuming now, she's a little late and you wonder, coffee with the girls and you are obsessed, I bet even right now you are wondering who she is texting.

    Yea it's like that and worse it will eat you up inside.

    I will give you a little tidbit at this point. I know you are worried about what she gets in a divorce, take it from me...

    It's just stuff, a house, furniture, possessions and all that shit is just stuff. You made money once and bought that stuff and you can do it again, trust me I did and then some. Get a lawyer and cut it as cleanly as possible and I mean cut clean and dried.

    I dunno if you have kids but if you do leave them out of it, take the high road, never ever speak ill of their mother ever! I can't make it any more apparent just don't do it!

    You are going to feel many things at one time, rage, sadness, bargaining, delusions, and denial. This is going to be a cycle that will last for a time, you may or rather will experience all of it in mere hours.

    *google* the stages of grief, it will give you some insite.

    Here's what not to do...

    Try to stay off the booze ( I spent 3 months in a bottle ) and it didn't help. Don't isolate yourself, there is life out there after all. Don't be the bitter divorced guy, we all know that guy, he's the guy we avoid because we are all sick of hearing his poor me all the time, and stay away from the opposite sex for now, you are hurt and vulnerable.

    Here's what to do...

    Keep busy, pursue the hobbies you may have left by the wayside. GAL (get a life) try new things or do something you always wanted to do. Take time to smell the roses, invest in some serious "you" time. take some time for yourself, do something nice for yourself. Do this and more as long as it takes believe you me you will smile again and it will be genuine.

    Life isn't over and buddy believe me you will come out OK if you do the work. You are not the only guy it's ever happened to although I know it feels like it is.

    I know this is pretty harsh and brief but I've been there and if I can help anyone else through it I will.

    If you want some private answers or whatever feel free to PM me, I am more than willing to help anyone out.
     
  20. jrinct1

    jrinct1 VIP Whale

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    I am single w/o ever being married or even close to it. THAT SAID.........CUT BAIT and RUN...Life is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyy too short to be miserable and to have to WORRY about infidelity. There is someone out there who is better for you.( and if not being single is GREAT. It works for me and I LOVE my freedom).
    SORRY FOR YOUR TROUBLES.
     
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