Discussion in 'Non-Vegas Chat' started by Dans Lady, Feb 27, 2013.
We all can use a little laugh. Share your jokes here!
Code Word "Spaghetti"
For 2 years a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey!,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100..... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day and this is the end of my shift. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go. The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop, I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Off you go," said the officer.
The above by Josie reminded me of an actual speeding story a fellow Canadian once told me.
Driving through the South, and speeding down a country road, he gets pulled over. Sheriff lumbers up to the car and says "Boooooooy, I been waitin' for you all day!"
Man replies: "Well, officer, I got here as fast as I could ..."
A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun. He shouts "This is a raid! Everyone get on the floor!!" and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.
As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts "DID ANYBODY ELSE HERE SEE MY FACE?"
The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also. "DID ANYBODY ELSE SEE MY FACE?" he shouts again, waving his gun around.
There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner... "I think my wife caught a glimpse..."
A classic Rodney Dangerfield
My wife told me that she wanted to have sex in the backseat of a car.
Then she asked me if I would drive.
I heard one of Rodney's old stand up routines where he had a heckler giving him a hard time. Rodney finally stopped and told the heckler: "Hey buddy, save your breath for your inflatable date tonight!" That shut the guy up in a hurry.
Little Johnny's At It Again.....
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."
Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the Best
patients to operate on.
The first surgeon, from New York , says, 'I like to see accountants
on my operating table because when you open them up, everything
inside is numbered.'
The second, from Chicago , responds, 'Yeah, but you should try
electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'
The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, 'No, I really think librarians
are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like
construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have
a few parts left over.'
But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when
he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine..
Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.
Little Johnny... Name That Animal
Little Johnny's first grade class was playing "Name That Animal." The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?"
"A cat!" said Suzy.
"Good job. Now, what's this animal?"
"A dog!" said Ricky.
"Good. Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.
The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad."
"I know!" called out Little Johnny. "A horny bastard!"
A Joke For The Ladies...
A man came home from work and found his 5 children outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn around garden.
The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and no sign of the dog. Walking in the door, he found ...an even bigger mess.
A lamp had been knocked over, the throw rug was against one wall, in the front room the TV was on loudly with the cartoon channel, the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dirty dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.
As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel...
She looked up at him, smiled and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?' She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world do I do all day?...
'Yes,' was his incredulous reply..
She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it.'
how do you turn your dishwasher into a snow blower
hand her a shovel
A husband wakes up at home with a huge hangover.
He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table.
"Honey, breakfast is on the table, I left early to go grocery shopping. Love You!"
Totally shocked with the note , he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating. He asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke some crockery, puked in the hall, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door".
Confused, the man asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and
breakfast is on the table waiting for me? I should expect a big quarrel with her!"
His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your clothes and shoes off, you said, 'LADY LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M MARRIED!'"
A kidnapper is dragging a kid through the woods.
The kid says:
"Mister, its getting dark and this place is really creepy and I'm scared!"
The kidnapper replies:
"How do you think I feel? I have to walk back to the car by myself"
Thanks for starting this thread! And to all posters who contributed, I laughed till I cried....good job!!
How do you give a Blonde a brain transplant?
Blow in her ear...
So a dyslexic walks into a bra…
One of my favorite quotes from Jim Jefferies:
I love drinking; I hate people who don't drink. Never met an interesting person in my life who didn't drink. If you don't drink you're a boring *** and all your stories suck. All your stories end the same way: "and then I got home."
Separate names with a comma.