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11th annual Bleach and Botox tour

Discussion in 'Vegas Trip Reports' started by Courtney, Apr 4, 2015.

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  1. Courtney

    Courtney Low-Roller

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    My Trip Report

    The 11[SUP]th[/SUP] Annual Bleach and Botox tour began as a typical Saturday morning. I was up with the dog at 8am and headed to an early morning appointment at Lovely Nail (Yes, singular. Those Vietnamese have an aversion to all words plural.) On my menu was a mani/pedi/eyebrow wax. The technician asked me if I wanted my mustache waxed as well. When I declined, she told me “You look like man.” Ok then, well, I am a manly looking woman going to Vegas in 4 hours, so put THAT in your PHO and eat it.

    Home by 11:00am to unpack and re-pack the 38 pairs of panties and 17 shirts I put in my luggage. As a side note, I am unsure where my unnatural fear of running out of clean panties comes from. I have only sharted once in my life, and I was in the comfort of my own home when it happened, so not having access to clean panties is not something I have experienced. Maybe being raised by a Jewish Mother who constantly reminded me to always have clean underwear on, in case of an accident, caused this? I never did see the point- honestly. If I am involved in an accident so traumatic that I must be taken to the Emergency Room and have my panties removed by medical personnel; I can most certainly assure you I would have shit in my pants before arrival. I digress. I took 38 different panties. I kid you not, dear reader. 38. For a 4 day trip.

    My panties and I were dropped off curbside at 12:00 and I had to stifle the urge to throw my hand in the air ala Judd Nelson at the end of The Breakfast Club until the family truckster was out of sight. Handed my bag to the skycap and made my way to security. There was no line and I was standing with my hands over my head in the xray machine 10 minutes after getting out of the car. Evidently my newly purchased bras are full of wire, because as I stepped out of the machine, I was face to face with an extremely handsome woman TSA agent who felt me up without warning. I mean, hands under my boobs lifting them, between them, then up and down my legs. I was so shocked that I didn’t even have time to wonder if she should have asked permission? I’m all for heightened security, and granted, I COULD hide something pretty epic under my boobs (Hey, I nursed two babies-they sag!) but this was downright creepy. I guess she realized I was not returning her affections, and not hiding anything, as she waved me away to gather my things from the belt.

    I grabbed a $15 chicken Caesar salad from Chili’s and headed to the gate for my B boarding group. I secured an aisle seat and a short 4 hours and 40 mins and one very expensive chicken caesar salad later, we landed 30 mins early. My bag was waiting for me when I arrived at baggage claim and there was no wait for a cab at 4:45pm on a Saturday. I got in the cab and told him Harrah’s (with an H) and off we went. I was texting my family to let them know I had arrived, and when I looked up, we were somewhere I didn’t recognize. Oh hell no! This asshole was long-hauling me. By the time I got my bearings, I realized he had taken Flamingo ALL the way to Twain and we were up on the backside of Wynn. I kept my mouth shut, and when he pulled into Harrah’s, the fare was $28.10. I got out, he handed me my bag, and I turned to walk away. He said “ You need to pay me!” I said “Do I really? You took me through Bangladesh, I am sure the taxi authority would disagree that I owe you anything!” He started arguing, saying there was traffic all over the city, it was Saturday night. I took out my phone and started pressing numbers, and he called me a **** and drove away. Thanks for the free ride! Ass. It got a few laughs from nearby limo drivers, who agreed that I was long hauled.

    My bestie, G was 3 hours behind me, coming from Philly, so I went to check in. Of course, we were both on the comp, so they charged my credit card for what it would cost me to stay alone ($19) and told me to bring her to the desk when she arrived and they would remove the charge. We were booked in a 2 queen premium High Roller room, but it didn’t have a balcony, so I opted for a non-premium room with a balcony. It was over the pool, and right above Carnaval Court. As a side note, the music really only got too loud on Tuesday night.

    I got up to the room, unpacked, and headed to Carnaval Court to start drinking. I was there all of 5 minutes when I met Noah. He was young and dumb. Just how I like ‘em. We talked, had a few drinks and made plans to meet later that night at Luxor, where he was “ living.” I explained my friend was coming, and he said he’d call a friend too, and we could all have dinner and hang out.

    With a good buzz going, I headed back upstairs, watched some TV and waited for G to say she was in the lobby. Once she arrived, we took care of the room charge, and went upstairs to get her unpacked. At this point, it was 8pm, so we went downstairs, and I quickly played some slot machine that I now call the Orgasm machine. I think it’s called Hot Hearts? All I know is it makes orgasm noises when bonuses hit, and sometimes when randomly touched. Like “ Ohhh baby,,, yeah… go baby.” I turned a $20 buy in into $108 and we went upstairs to get ready.

    I texted Noah at 10 to let him know we were ready and heading to Luxor. He said to go to Harrah’s cab pickup and wait, he was sending a car. Ok then. Within minutes a limo pulled up, driver got out and said my name, and off we went. Turns out, Noah is not only young and dumb, but quite the high roller. We had some drinks at the center bar, then went to dinner at Aurole? I don’t know, I was calling it Areola. It was pretentious, and stuffy and oh my god good. And when the bill came, he charged it to his comps. We found out after dinner WHY he was a Noir card holder. He was playing $100 machines at 3 credits a spin like I play pennies. I was in awe. I have NEVER seen money like that. Hand-pays left and right, stacks and stacks of money. He kept handing me money, and I kept playing, and winning. I handed him all winnings, and won’t lie, put $200 in my pocket instead of the machine at one point. After he put no less than $10K through the machines with my help, we went back to center bar. His friend was sloppy drunk at this point, and G wasn’t into him. Noah’s host came down and ordered us about 6-8 rounds of Don Julio. All I know is I was white girl wasted, and money horny.

    He asked if we wanted to see his room, which I knew was code for ‘see his penis’ so off we went. Just OH MY GOD. It was HUGE!( The suite, not the penis) It was on the 22[SUP]nd[/SUP] floor of the towers, and was crazy. I think he said that Criss Angel stays in that room when he’s staying in house. We had a few more drinks from the bottles in the room and it was 3am. (6am to me, and 22 hours awake!) G had passed out, so had the friend, so I figured I was about to “pay” for my dinner, but I told him I was pretty drunk, and I was sorry. He was a complete gentleman and said he understood, made me promise to text him before we left and I woke up G and off we went. Not before stealing the pen, notepad, and the king sized Snickers bars and Starburst off the table, cause we are high class, you know. He handed me $20 for a cab, and we were back at Harrah’s, feeling like the low rollers we are by 3:30. I fell asleep immediately and woke up at 7am, feeling right as rain. I called my husband and told him of my night. He said I was horrible person. I should have at least given Noah a handy.

    Next up, will Courtney see Noah again? Will the orgasm machine pay? Is the Buffet of Buffets a good deal? Is Circus Circus really as dirty as it appears??
     
  2. jf3976

    jf3976 High-Roller

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    Looking forward to part II : )
     
  3. breanna61

    breanna61 Super Moderator

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    I can't wait for the rest of your report that has me laughing throughout so far. Awesome!
     
  4. pressitagain

    pressitagain Low-Roller

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    Very comical and entertaining TR report. Thanks for sharing.

    Can't wait for the remainder.
     
  5. abrolsma

    abrolsma Low-Roller

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    Did Noah build an ark? Great report.. looking forward to the rest.
     
  6. sporty8705

    sporty8705 VIP Whale

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    I was wondering if you were married as i was reading it.. then i saw the end.. I can't wait for the next part!!!!
     
  7. sandybeachbar

    sandybeachbar Low-Roller

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    Hilarious start! Can't wait for more.
     
  8. Casinoqueen

    Casinoqueen Low-Roller

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    Hilarious TR. Love your writing style, kept me laughing. Can't wait for more.
     
  9. sindustry

    sindustry VIP Whale

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    Awesome! Awesome! Awesome! I wish I were a ghost or could be invisible...I would follow you around for all the hilarious moments. Looking forward to reading more!
     
  10. Courtney

    Courtney Low-Roller

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    When I woke G up a few minutes later, I realized why I felt so good. I was still pretty drunk. We cleaned up, I changed panties ( beins I had 37 clean pair) and we headed downstairs to the Harrah’s buffet. I use the Total Rewards Visa, which gives me lots of free money, so we purchased two Buffet of Buffet’s and had breakfast. Back up to the room right after and slept until noon.

    I was awoken by a text from Noah, asking if we made it back ok. Good to know it took him 9 hours to check. We could have already been on a boat with a sheik, being used as harem members by now. I assured him we were fine, thanked him for being a gentleman and got in the shower. We basically just hung around Harrah’s, started drinking and playing, mostly Hangover, Sex and the City and Orgasm. We walked to Paris for an early dinner, and played around Paris and Bally’s before heading back to the room around 7. At about 8:30, I grabbed my ipad, and headed to McDonald’s right outside of Harrah’s. There I sat for 2 hours, as I streamed The Walking Dead finale on my ipad and their free Wifi. I drank two Diet Cokes, and got some funny looks, but real fans will understand the importance of this episode. I may be in Vegas, but this is important. I met G at the orgasm slot, which wasn’t properly lubed, and played though a couple hundred bucks before heading upstairs and falling dead asleep until 6am.

    We woke Monday morning refreshed and ran to get Harrah’s breakfast buffet AGAIN, since it was 30 minutes until our pass expired, and it was close enough that I didn’t have to travel far. After breakfast, we got ready for the day and started walking towards Circus Circus. In all my trips, I have never been inside the place, and really wanted to see it for some reason. We stopped along the way at Wynn, Encore, Riviera, and the souvenir shop. As a side note, I have figured out the way to make money in Vegas- Escalator repair. In 5 days, I think I saw two working. We made it to Circus Circus and up to the second floor, where I got a tattoo. ( By tattoo, I mean henna) I have been wanting a tattoo of the Red Hot Chili Peppers logo since I was 15, but Jewish guilt and a fear of needles has stopped me. I figured I’d get a fake one, and see how I felt about it before committing to the real deal. $15 and 20 mins later, I was properly marked and damn glad it wasn’t real. We started walking around and I saw a sign for Happy Feet. (The store, not the movie) I paid $30 for a 20 min foot massage and 10 min neck massage, which would have been pure heaven, but he kept talking to me. At one point, I rudely shuuushed him. I can’t say for certain, but I’m 99% sure that when he was leaning into my shoulder he made an orgasm noise in my ear. Maybe I was hearing things, and it was the slot playing in my head, but it sounded pretty real and freaked me out.

    We headed to the midway and played air hockey, skee-ball and Ms. Pacman. You know you are out of shape when you need to take a knee in the middle of a skee-ball game, just sayin’. After playing some game where you roll a ball into a hole and it advances your clown riding a horse for 3 tries and losing to a 12 year old punk, it was game on. This little shit was looking at me smugly, so I gave him the two fingers to the eyes move and was determined to win. $26 dollars later, I was the proud owner of a stuffed duck. Actually, once we sobered up, we realized he was a chicken. His name is Dickie. We grabbed a large fry and some soda’s from McDonald’s while the circus was on, and once it let out, the kids started pouring in and that was my cue to get out.


    We walked slowly and painfully all the way back to Harrah’s where we showered, and got ready to walk the other way to Planet Hollywood. At this point, my right calf felt like I had been, well, walking all day. My pedometer registered 17k steps for the day, and I was not feeling it. G called me some choice names having to do with my age and what kind of person every party needs. And am I glad she did. We stopped downstairs in Harrah’s to play top dollar, and have a free beer or 5. I put $40 in a multi-denom machine and started playing quarters. When I got down to $18, I figured what the hell, and changed to dollars. Second spin and I had a top dollar. The first offer was $30 X2- G is yelling “Take it! Take it!” But I was feeling saucy, so I hit try again. Imagine my shock when it offered me $170. I was trying to press take offer, but nothing was happening. Then the X2 lit up. I almost died. I was pressing take offer like a crazy person, and then the X2 lit up again! $680! I have never won that much in one spin. I was screaming like a lunatic, even drew a crowd. It was definitely a huge high, and I had to go back and change my panties AGAIN before we carried on.

    While I was in the room, I put all the winnings in the safe and brought only $200 with me to Planet Hollywood. We walked to Planet Hollywood and had dinner ( FREE! Thanks to a coupon) at Earl Of Sandwich. It was a damn fine Sandwich. After that we bounced around from machine to machine and settled on The Jetsons. I put $40 in and hit a bonus for $77 almost immediately. I was playing $1.20 a spin, when I got a bonus and got 7 free spins at 10X pay. It retriggered once, and when all was said and done, I had won $742 from ONE bonus. I was again screaming, and without another pair of panties in my purse. I cashed that out and we headed back to home base, drunk, full and rich.

    We played a bunch more at Harrah’s; $10 craps, slots, Keno, and a few orgasms. I sent Abrolsma a message, and we had a beer and toasted Vegas. I was asleep by 1am and ready for my last day. IMG_7751.jpg IMG_7811.jpg IMG_7816.jpg IMG_7817.jpg IMG_7826.jpg
     

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  11. Jordan

    Jordan Caveman

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    OMFG . ..hilarious missus....I nearly pissed myself reading it and re-read it to my wife who laughed her ass off too.....excellent report. ..can't wait for the rest!!
     
  12. aaronw915

    aaronw915 Low-Roller

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    Sharted. Love that word and, like nefarious, don't think it gets the airtime it should. Thank you for using it in your hilarious trip report. I'm dialed in for the rest of your adventure.
     
  13. jf3976

    jf3976 High-Roller

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    My 3 and 5 year old know the word "Sharted", they should, only ones in this house who do it!

    Still loving the report - thank you!!! : )
     
  14. livala

    livala Tourist

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    Loving your trip report! More please!
     
  15. Courtney

    Courtney Low-Roller

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    Up at 7am, after listening to some God awful cover band at Carnaval Court. There I lay in bed, at 3am, listening to an awful rendition of Love is a Battlefield, and feeling old. I do love those balcony rooms, as I love to smoke in Vegas, but my GOD that noise was ear rape. I went to get out of bed and my right calf had other plans. It was literally frozen. I could not move it. Serious laughter from G, followed by a free calf massage from her( minus the orgasm noise) and I was able to one-legged hop to the bathroom where I soaked in hot water for twenty minutes.

    Once I was somewhat mobile again, I counted my money ( and panties) showered, and headed to Mirage for a MyVegas breakfast. We got there at 10:20, so they were between breakfast and lunch. I like the fact that they have an open bar. Pretty sure I drank my weight in Chardonnay. They also have free Wifi in the buffet, so we sat there until we got the stink eye from the waitress. We left there and I saw the Cleo 2 machines that I loved last year. I put in $100, did one $2 spin, hit for 100.50 and cashed out. Hit it and quit it, that’s what all the kids say, right?

    From there we walked, well, I hobbled, to Bally’s via 3 broken escalators. Our goal was to take the shuttle to Rio, and walk to Gold Coast to play Bingo. We sat at the Sports Book entrance of Bally’s waiting for the shuttle for about 45 mins. At this point, I googled, and realized they had MOVED the bus stop one entrance closer to the strip. Stood up to move and my leg was again frozen. This was comedy gold for our fellow transportation waiters, as I could physically not move. I would get the momentum, and shift my weight, like I was going to just walk away gingerly, but nothing would happen. I laughed so hard that I peed in my 17th pair of panties a little. Thank GOD I had the forethought to put a pair in my purse, so once I got unstuck, I went to the bathroom, changed, and threw a perfectly good, albeit wet, pair of panties in the trash. Some homeless pervert was very happy to find that trash on Tuesday night.

    We got on the bus to Rio and wouldn’t you know Love is a Battlefield was on the radio. I sang along, badly I may add, and actually got $6 in tips at the end of the trip. G walked, and I cried, bitched and moaned all the way to Gold Coast, we found the Bingo room and found out the next game didn’t start until 3, and it was only 1:15. We asked the hostess to explain the rules, and by the time she was done explaining it, I was confused. What happened to “B7!??” Upways, sideways, downways, postage stamp, freeway, amyway, no thanks. Back to Rio, and back on the shuttle we went. Of course, at this point, any stop longer than 2.9 seconds caused my calf to decide it was done, so getting off the shuttle was a feat in and of itself. I got moving without an accident, and one broken escalator later, we were at Serendipity 3. I had purchased a groupon, AND they take Total rewards, so again, a free lunch!( Minus the $15 groupon.) We shared a chicken sandwich and some onion rings and were too full for the frozen hot chocolate we originally went for. After our hour long lunch, I went to stand up and realized that I was going to just have to forward my mail to Serendipity 3. There was no way I was ever going to leave that place. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, and was doing a bit of both when this drop –dead gorgeous guy came by and saw me writing in pain. Turns out, he was a sports medicine therapist ( or a creepy guy with a leg and foot fetish) at this point, I didn’t care if he cut OFF my leg, as long as he helped. He did the Mr. Miyagi clap and rub (which in hindsight didn’t help his credibility) and massaged me, right there in the booth. I felt good enough to walk, and we headed back to Harrah’s where we did not leave until the next morning. Up at 7am, packed, showered, in pain, and down to the cab stand. There was a shuttle there, $7 per person to the airport. Sold. We were dropped off, through security in minutes, had a bagel for breakfast and I was on the plane home, with G taking a flight an hour later. I paid $40 to upgrade my C16 seat to A6, and got the aisle exit row. A guy sat next to me who was 6’19” tall AND wide and I spent 4 hours sitting forward to avoid laying on him. I have been called a lot of things, skinny isn’t one of them, so it was a tight fit indeed.

    I never did see Noah again, but he did text me the night I got home and asked if I wanted to have dinner again. I told him I was already home, and he offered to fly me back out, if I was interested. If I wasn’t old, crippled and married, I’d have done it. As I write this, my leg is still not 100%. I actually brought home ALL the winnings, 37 pairs of panties, and a case of casino crud. But, as usual, the city calls to me. We already booked for next year, and are counting the days. All said, I flew for free ( Thanks G for using the Southwest Visa!) Stayed for free (Thanks CET!) Ate for $21 the entire trip (Thanks Total Rewards Visa ,Earl Of Sandwich, and Noah!) And MADE money. I love this city! Thanks for reading!
     
  16. Johnzimbo

    Johnzimbo Low-Roller

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    Fun report! Did Noah try to meet up with you again?
     
  17. Slotchick

    Slotchick High-Roller

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    Fantastic and very entertaining trip report! Thank you for taking the time to share. :D
     
  18. jf3976

    jf3976 High-Roller

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    Nice! Thanks for the entertaining read!
     
  19. parti_73

    parti_73 Low-Roller

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    Great TR! Minus the calf pain sounds like a fun weekend and it's always a plus coming home with money and all your underwear! (Minus 1)
     
  20. NCSuz

    NCSuz Tourist

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    wow.. what a trip report! sure sounded fun!
     
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