technicolor yaks - act one

warning: due to the graphic nature of this program, reader discretion is despised

opening act

.. surfing through the various websites that exist in cyberspace, a magical maze of certainty narrows itself down, shrinking with every click of the mouse and deterministic eventuality rears its ugly head <finally> .. and pre-ordained actions are coaxed into reality, engaged at last.. in my case, a marriage made in leaven .. and its my bread that will become separated from me, eventually, thus contributing to some couples counseling statistic out there in medic land..

*ahem, hold on..*

.. at this time i would like to recognize some very dear friends of mine: jack daniels, jim beam, cactus jack and john collins .. they have all contributed in small or large parts, in various sizes and shapes, to my demise as a human being and slow evolvement into a zombie that shivers when subjected to cold and rick-rolls without a swing of the arms ..

* round of applause heard in the distance *

and now .. dressed in black velvet and buzzing from the buttery caress of jungle juice coursing through my veins, it is indeed time to ... invent ..

.. what ? .. ----> a brand new "epiphany" .. a flash

so with my drunken chin pointing north, i inhale a breath of my own superiority and begin judgement on the city of sodom and gamorrah .. (my lot in life..heh)

ooh lookie, an opportunity to plant some "money seeds" in domestic soil, or would that be "sand" and count as a bigger miracle? i must plant more and more money seeds as i am soon to reap the benefits of the old "give and it shall be given unto you" writings, yes.. rising up, overflowing.. uh, something to that effect .. perhaps i should stop watching cable eleven because these healing programs taught by televangelists have me filled with guilt and a passion for killing that i am only too unaware of, perceptively speaking .. then again, i am unaware of my own nose too, yet the answers to the universe are right on the tip of it, protruding from the front of my face..

* popups pixelate and i am mesmerized * .. a deal or two has filled my screen with promise, all the while i have the smith's "the boy with the thorn in his side" howling in the near-ground, the queen of din screaming veiled references to controversial cremations only lazarus could be proud of..

.. and for some ocd-ish reason i have submitted myself to this genetically-induced move of random purchase-ness and this morally-reducing handshake with the darkside includes **drum rolls** ... united miles .. *jumps for joy*

.. i cannot believe how much i rule .. **clicks on the submit button**

.. not only will i build an ark and visit the pharoah over at the luxor, i will have pairs of every animal at my disposal, including .. the domesticated ox - affectionately known as "the yak".. yes, the cool and collected yak, whose shaggy fur and calm demeanor is outward reflections of its many years spent meditating in the great mountains of central asia.. a lesson i shall soon learn in the coming days, or is it days to come?

.. note to self: make a schedule and color-code it you beast with manicured nails and rockford tips.. right-brained is not an excuse for lame-brained ..

.. i hate autocad, digitizing everything is sooo .. "sterile".. yes, too symetrical for my creative taste.. i will bow down and humbly apply my advanced penmanship skills..

the results:




.. ** jumps up and down with the energy and enthusiasm of a toddler whose feet were set ablaze **

.. two nights at Mandalay Bay, three nights at golden nugget, two nights at venetian and three more at mirage .. with two slot tournaments squeezed in there, epic

.. book-em danno *smooths my hair in typical steve mcgarrett style*

night of the flight like 1030pee-emm, hawaii time:

.. what the phuck is that wailing noise i hear, echoing off the parquet concrete and bouncing off the walls of airport congress? here i am, waiting in line to check-in and trying not to feel like my piehole is going to have a pin-sized camera forced into it.. and a 20-something chick has a reincarnation of barrabas in the midst, flopping around on the floor like a marlin with an itch that cannot be satisfied .. i tried to exercise my powers-of-the-mind by shooting mental poison darts at "him", but the abnormal sounds of a baby-gone-horribly-wrong continued uninterrupted..

self-mantra: i command you to be on another plane you artificially incubated drone, and take that tub of dead-waking monosyllables with you and drown someone else ..

- this action continues through the security check-in and gate areas .. it took every ounce of strength to not go chuck norris on "little cain" here .. wtf..

note to self: its okay, his knuckles are not yet bleeding so there is no need to call in the pest control or exterminators .. and best of all, koko has not escaped

nwa to la, short five hour hop, interval, then one hour-something to mccarren lv --> why am i not excited, turlington modeling pics not good enough, your self-majesty?

.. yum (not) burger king or starbucks (mad cherry seeds of your choice).. submit! .. to a whopper jr and fries, i need to feel some heartburn, a prelude to my lv trips in the past and my usual "illustrious kickstart" to a week of debachery and the satisfying of the flesh .. i marinate in style folks..

*does a one-man wave in my mind*

- oh hell yes, nwa has some first class seats available for upgrade, a fairly serious goal of mine .. self says: secure the transaction spock, it is sooo uh "logical" ..

.. boarding time.. move aside you peasants, the king of bling and master of disaster is coming through .. red carpet rolled and we are in bizz-nass .. fools

my seat:



uh huh, those are my shoes indeed, a pair of 8 1/2s from the high-end store aptly named "ross" .. 757 with a nosecone a father would brag to his son about.. breaking wind and all ..

2-2 configuration and i've got the aisle spot, perfection .. left facing forward

.. settling into my space, i had the ipod in hand and a rum-coke on order .. ready for take off and a later good night sleep .. or so i thought..

right before the george foreman grills of the sky fires up:

.. nextly: in a completely unjustifiable and random act of prophetic genius.. the jaws of hell has opened wide and is prepared to swallow this ship whole ..

---> the "wail" has come uninvited to my party .. ?

.. in a head-spinning move only linda blair could high five me for, i spun just in time to see.. "little cain", foaming at the mouth .. with beady eyes that stung the depths of my inner soul, he grinned an evil and telling grin .. the impending torment would be slow and the consistency predicatable .. two and a half hours into the air and my seatmate starts gesticulating wildly.. he has had enough ..

stewardess: hi sir, what can i do for you
seatmate: uhh "points menacingly at little cain" ..
stewardess: *puts hand on hips* .. what do you want me to do?
seatmate: .. no kids in first class!
me: true, i didnt plunk down extra greenbacks only to be subjected to inner city noise!
( i was pissed by now )
stewardess: i am sorry, nothing we can do ..

mother of little cain never looked over, never said sorry, never picked up the precious little bundle to take him for a walk, nothing .. * dam bitch, get a phucking clue*
- there was nothing wrong with little cain, his cries became dry heaves and he could choose when to wail and when not too .. (passive-aggressive so early in life)

---> felt like slapping the tangerine lip gloss smack off her face .. how the other passengers could remain calm was beyond me ..

by then i was pacing and the stewardess - what class - was feeding me as many drinks as i could consume, as eventually i became "happier" .. heh

first stop - the mighty mandalay bay:



check-in was easy, place was not crowded at 8-ish in the morning, just fabuloso.. grabbed a coffee and croissant ..

the room was a suite:

turned on the flat screen and located the dj and nightclub channel for mandalay bay, loved the turntables and sound setup.. look at those.. uh, knobs!



view from my worktable, got my laptop setup and ready for some serious ignoring .. well, when on vacation i posture with the grace of a figure skater..



my bathroom area, with jet tub, shower and dual sinks:



my general plan was to check-in / settle at mandalay bay, head down to golden nugget to check-in, mess the bed and make the place appear "habitated" .. and return to my beautiful second home, the magical mbay..now... ---> to the batmobile

- ended up being the batcave first, to my detriment ..

ooh, look at all the pretty machines in here.. i will test out my luck

head to $1 single line ddbp, my personal fav.. $200 down, nothing bigger than maybe one full house.. test out a bank of dbp, 25 cent level with progressive.. had a bit of fun, hit quads a couple of times but no emmy awards on this occasion.. played some $1 triple cherry slots, triple star slots, five times pay .. tried another bank of vp, ddbp at the $1 level, single line.. 5 more hamiltons later, it hit me.. i am a "real american", giving back to the "community".. to my country, to mother earth..

let the donations begin.. and for this trip, the donations and supporting of every nevada economy, border patrol, animal shelter, foodbank coffer, drug store change cup and so on continued throughout.. at least the feedling of all my hamiltons occurred while i was being baptised in regularly scheduled intervals of well-mixed drinks ..

ok, i finally settled on a multistrike vp machine and set the denom to a heart-stopping five cent level.. pop in a 100 and begin more self-carnage.. next thing i know, two well dressed executives sit to my right and they are playing regular single line vp, having a good time.. after 4 rum-cokes and some staying power, we chat a little, she is part of a bowling league thing at mbay and sits on the board.. real nice encounter.. i tell her i'm in "computer stuff".. show women where the "control" key is *snickers* and so on ..

.. and she says to me ... *fireworks went off after this one*

.. you look like a rock star!

oohhh rrreeeeallyy.. please, please hit on me more.. that never ever happens.. <not that she was.. btw>



.. umm humm .. sure, i am actually a proud member of the local barbershop quartet, cant you tell??

well i am kicking this stupid multistrike machines shiney ass now, up over 5000 credits.. unfortunately, i was also up and over 13 rum-cokes by now too.. we all know what that means.. i couldn't count the fingers on one hand and this is what i cashed out with:



.. i rock and its early on day one, caught the batmobile to golden nugget.. and during the ride.. saw

trumps casino-less gold "finger" splitting the middle of the pavement early on.. shaken, not stirred, we pressed onward ..



golden nugget:

check-in easy, the burden was light .. ohh, look at the gorgeous 70s sears catalog colors and ultra-retro furniture styles, so alive .. and stayin alive .. still



the view:

.. over looks the plaza.. and this pic is the last time i'll peer out this window ..



so i setup mini-camp, messed the bed, left a 4 dollar tip for the maids.. and bagged the joint like a hardup teen working at a countryside supermarket ..

- on tips: i might be ripped by lva members for this, but all maids get 5 dollars if i stay the night, 4 if i am double-booked, all waitresses get $2 unless she forgets me or ignores, then $1 but never ever stiff or mentally abuse with a quarter or something like that.. anyone that does anything for me, taxi line or whatever get $1 ..at least

slot registration is today between 4-7 pm, should be a breeze, just show up.. they look you up, stamp you some numbers and away we go



done suckas.. now to test out the play ---> lost a couple hundred so off to 4queens to meet my father, eat and play some more

we decided on the pizza spot and split a large meat lovers + had a couple of mighty tall ones.. see



after that, headed to the gaming floor.. looking for some action.. dad wanted to hit up the silver strike machine near the cashiers booth and hit for several coins the lucky man he is.. i stuck a hundred into the nearest pinball double-diamond and it costs $3 max pull per.. about five tries later, pinball! .. it was a bit friendly, so i played a bit more and eventually cashed out at $200 even.. we both wandered and played at freemont, binions, california and plaza before departing ways..

i wanted to get some silver strike coins and being the drunk nutcase i am, headed back to 4queens to fulfill my destiny.. a couple hours later..



resulting from a few of these appearances..



now i am getting totally ripped at this point and chain smoking to stay somewhat coherent .. get back over to the golden nugget and play some $1 vp, getting not even a full house.. blew about 300 more, changed machines.. nothing.. ok, forget it.. time to play a higher percentage payback game, like $1 slots .. *snickers to self*

i love the double-double diamond ones where the bars and diamonds may move up or down.. that is fun, plus it moves the game slower.. this kills me more softly, with its song... killing me softly .. nevermind.. it didn't kill me though, only maimed my sorry ass.. but sure was fun with a capital eff..

.. say, let's try this 4times-pay diamond machine, it is calling your name.. at this point, that was not the only thing calling my name.. i heard the grim reaper, big bird from seasame street, the easter bunny, elvis prestley, hitler, the naughty girl next door, knights in white satin, shakespeare, i was that toasted by now.. and time was flying by.. i needed to eventually get back to the mbay.. by doing so, stop losing this much $ early in the trip.. all right, i reasoned with the board members present in the confines of my mind and determined to only try one more $100.. *majority votes win*

a few minutes later..



and then --> due to my refusal to immediately cash in .. while withstanding the continuous mental chastisment of my multiple selves ..

* cash in now you dumb bunny, have you not learned anything today? *

---.. umm, not reeeeally ..

presses max bet



whoo yah, finally a little something.. and i did cash in.. and passed by the nugget's red sushi restaurant, where miss m (i called her) is manager and we greet each other regularly during my visits to lv and the nugget.. i sat down and ordered another beer --> kurin light.. and had a cali roll + a spicy tuna roll too.. now keep in mind ive consumed at least 15 rum-cokes, several beers and half a meat-lovers pizza.. and now this.. ?

.. wtf is wrong with me anyways..

after that.. let me try one more time, vp ddb type at 25 cent level.. well i am playing and starting to feel like krakatoa must have back "in the day" .. not a good sign.. well i am trying to calm myself down, smoked a djarum vanilla and then hit this:



as lovely as that looked, i must have looked equally awful.. i cashed immediately and started negotiating with my body and the board of mind directors whether i could actually .. emm "survive" a 20 or so minute cab back to mbay.. but the situation was getting grave indeed.. good thing i had the nuggy room.. i headed up quickly as the situation escalated rather seriously, alarm bells were ringing, code red was flashing .. *made it* .. (salivating constantly) .. sure enough i did about 5-8 technicolor yaks.. chewed some tums to coat the felix-the-cat scratch marks lining the innerands of my throat, scratched my fangs .. , and felt like more action.. but first, a shower.. haha, rejuvinated!

my throat still felt like felix-the-cat did a serious gouging to it . .. but we are back on track now..

let me say this about my cab ride back to mbay.. the mutha i got stuck with would not shut up, his incessant rantings were grating on me, and he had his meter set on high, looked like a bugs bunny cartoon where the feet running eventually looks like a small hurricane viewed from the skies.. and it was really gnawing at me deeply.. i drop xx amount of cash in stupid machines programmed to strip me of both wealth and dignity .. and i complain about a stupid cab meter running.. but combined with el toro here bullwhipping my ears, i would have filled his dumbass cab with some serious .. well, you get the horror picture here.. in the end at mbay the damage was not horrible as i had imagined, so it was okay.. now i might have had the testicular fortitude of a ram in the french alps, but i still was not "fully recovered" from the yaks.. so that means the only logical conclusion.. get your ass to a machine and order more drinks.. hair on the dog theory.. so i settled on the village people party one.. freakin fun!



couple of drinks and bonus rounds later, time to get some rest for next day.. and on the way (this never happens to anyone but me..).. ohh, lookie, a bank of $1 vp and no one is playing that side of the bank... just once more time.. my self-designed 12 step program only works 12 steps away from the gates of hail..

- never one to miss the shakesperian rowboat to never-never-land, my day peppered my face with groundhog day lyrics reading "full of sound and fury, signifying nothing" .. all dang day, 'xcept one little run at the nuggy.. i felt like captain hazelwood on his ill-fated journey, all the while stroking his pet penguin..

then ..



hell yes.. i needed that one..

note to sefl: now cash out ... off to sleep

.. the sadistical foreplay to be continued ..

..

*end act one*



-p


..

 

Get your drunken chin pointing back this direction & finish the report!!!

 

Nice TR so far. Can't wait for Act II.

 

lol @ all the allegory, nevertheless dr.d approves this experience.

 

Wow, lol.

Those shoes look like they'd be great for kicking field goals!

 

Nice start to the TR!

 

Very very entertaining, more pleez.

 

Prozac, you are projecting onto us your affinity for masochism and self-torture.
THANKS FOR SHARING!

A flippant start, two days into the trip, an abrupt PAUSE, and an indolent NOTHING since???
I doubt I'm alone in my hope you're not passed out drunk in an alley somewhere...

COMPEL THYSELF TO FULFILLING THINE OBLIGATION OF A COMPLETE NARRATIVE!

FANTASTIC read! I've laughed, I've cried, and I will make popcorn to accompany a read of the remaining acts.
KEEP 'EM COMING!

 

WOW, Somewhere Hunter S. Thompson is smiling!

And for the rest of the story...

 

If I drink several rum & cokes will the rest of this report magically appear? I hope you haven't passed out somewhere and forgotten your duty to finish this.

 

Don't keep us hanging......please sir, we want some more!

 

Thanks for the TR.

later, GVJ

 

Very different...but fun! Now where's the REST!!!!

 

Oh My! I was thinking yak as in the animal. Very good start to your whirlwind trip. You and your dad are both very handsom guys. Very happy pic with that yummy pizza of you two. Now on to finish what I started.........Act 2

Thanks for posting